Taming the Street Racer ✔️

09 | under the starlit sky

We spread the large pink blanket across the overgrown grass, smoothing it down before sitting down on it awkwardly. We choose to sit a few conservative feet apart, almost afraid to make the other uncomfortable. Neither of us are looking at the stars but we're both pretending that we are.

I can feel the tension in his body. I wonder if he can feel the same coming from me.

I turn to him, closing a few inches between us. "You know, I didn't need you to protect me. I had that asshole on his knees back there."

"Yeah, I know. Judging from those moves you put on him, soccer balls aren't the only balls you know how to deal with," he laughs, before trailing off, suddenly serious. "I watched you the whole time and was about to kill him when he put his hands on you. And after you were done, I couldn't hold myself back. The only thing I could think about was beating the life out of him for laying a hand on you. I just lost control."

Silence.

"Until you stopped me," he adds on.

I think over his words, trying to make sense of what he's telling me. "So what? You care about me now? You're willing to kill a guy for me when a second before that, you were telling me that you didn't give two shits about me? You're killing me, Grayson."

"I can't make excuses for what I said. I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am for what I said. I didn't mean any of it and I know I sound stupid as fuck but I mean that." He groans in frustration with himself. "There's something about being around you, River. I've felt it everyday that I've talked to you on the soccer field and I felt it tonight. That feeling fucking terrifies me."

No matter how emotional his admission is, I won't let myself crack that easily. "You told me I was pathetic, that I was throwing myself at you. Where did that even come from? The other day, I thought..." I trial off, not sure of where I was going with that sentence. I look at him, genuinely curious as to what's going on behind that mysterious appearance of his. "What happened?"

He goes on, not able to look directly at me. "I couldn't think straight, looking at you in that crowd of people, in my dangerous world. Nothing could have prepared me for you being there. Nothing could have prepared me for you looking as--" He struggles to find his words, thinking over the moment he saw me. "--different as you did."

My chest feels heavy, pondering his words. He pauses for a second, finally turning to look at me. "Seeing you there, so full of life, then remembering the danger you were in...I just lost it. Honestly, River, I can't justify anything I did. My mind wasn't working right."

It takes everything in me to suppress the way my body reacts to his words. "Then you pushed me away," I add.

His face holds pain that I'd never seen, hatred toward himself. "Yeah, I did. I needed you to leave and I only knew one way to do it. I wanted you there, but just you and me. You don't know the type of people that go to those things, the things they'll do for money. I couldn't stand..."

He pauses at the end and he tilts his head up, pressing his lips together. I move closer and put my hand over his, gently winding my fingers around his. He looks down at our hands and back up at me, moving closer until we're face to face.

"I know you don't need protecting. But around you, I swear my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do. What to feel. And I'll beat myself up for the rest of my life for the way I treated you. Nothing you can say will make me feel any worse than I do right now."

I say nothing for a second, feeling a coolness spreading across my skin. "Why do you do it? Why do you push people away?"

What I really want to ask him is why he treated me that way after he claims to feel strongly about me. As dizzy as his words make me feel, I can't ignore the simple fact pulsing in my mind, making me question everything I thought I knew: he felt things for me from the beginning. I'm not the only one.