Taming the Street Racer ✔️

31 | the sun will rise

TW: discussion of bipolar disorder

♔ ♕ ♔

The wind whips against our faces, and it feels like there are miles between us on this cliff. Gray's face is filled of raw emotion, his eyes rimmed red with sadness. Our eyes are locked but I can't see anything beyond his steely gaze. I feel frozen in place.

He blames himself for his dad's abuse.

He blames himself for his mother's pain.

His mom killed herself right in front of him.

Gray steps toward me but makes no move to touch me. His voice is ice. "So now you know everything, River. You showed me your darkness. So here's mine. Now you know how fucked up my father was. How bipolar he was."

He pauses, and I know what's coming.

"Now you know exactly how I'm going to turn out. Just like him. Unable to control my emotions, destroying anyone and anything around me," he bites out. "You've seen it happen, Riv, I know you have. It's in my blood to act this way, and one day, I'll be just like that son of a bitch and I'm so fucking afraid that you'll turn out just like my mom. Broken. Because of me."

He holds his arms out, as if offering himself up to me. I think back to our first encounter at the soccer field, the way he reacted when I showed up at his race, the nasty things he's said to me in the heat of the moment. I think of the way his emotions turn so quickly, of the way the real Grayson struggles to get through to me.

He thinks he's just like his dad.

I don't entertain the possibility that maybe he is. He is not.

More tears stream down my face, but I try to keep my face still. Yet I know that he sees right through me.

"It's not true," I say, pleading for him to believe me. "You're nothing like him. I know you, believe me when I say that. You yell because you've been hurt by him. Not because you're like him. You aren't him, and you never will be. None of that defines you, Grayson. He doesn't define you."

He doesn't meet my eyes.

"You were hurt by him, Gray, that much is true. But I've seen your lows, your raw emotion, and I know that you aren't him," I repeat, with a stronger voice this time.

"That's not all. I wasn't strong enough, River. Not strong enough to protect her, not strong enough to keep her alive. She's dead because of me," he says, sounding as if he's choking. "I'm the reason Gracie doesn't have either of her parents. Gracie never gets to know her mom or her dad because of me."

"You did the best you could. You're still doing everything you can to protect Gracie." I'm almost yelling now, trying to get through to him. "If anything, know that you're doing everything in your power to give Gracie the best life possible. None of this is on you, Gray."

"Raising Gracie can't make up for what I've taken from her. It never will," he insists, tugging on his hair roughly. "I fucked everything up. Especially Gracie's life. Don't let me fuck up yours, River."

I try a different approach, growing more desperate by the second. He's falling under, and I'm afraid he's in too deep. "You know the darkness, Gray, you told me. You know it's not real. What I'm telling you - that's real. Grayson, listen to me."

"River, nothing you say ca--"

"Gray, just stop!" Even I'm surprised by my outburst, but this needs to be said. He needs to remember what he told me in the car when I was at my lowest. "You're more than this. You're more than this darkness. You're more than your dad ever was. You're more than these...these thoughts telling you that it's all your fault."