Technically Me

Something called 'insecurity'

      Never  judge a book by
             it's cover

'Nkechi is dead', Zozy  repeated and i could see tears flow from her eyes.
 
That can't be true, I saw Nkechi three days ago, I said incredulously.

  I collected the laptop that was with zozy and i saw it   boldly written on the school's platform.

'Nkechi, an exceptional student of ours committed suicide'. She left a suicide note and i clicked on it to view it clearly.

"I am sorry to those who love me or care, I'm sorry to those who'll hurt when am gone. But i don't love me, i'm useless, i'm ugly and i can't stand the shame of me anymore. I'm just a burden to the world, I can't fit in, I'm sorry to mum and dad for not being the kind of daughter they deserve....."

I couldn't read it anymore, guilt overshadowed me i dropped the laptop and laid on my bed and cried.

The first day i met her, my guts told me to tell her 'she was beautiful', i didn't.
The next time we met in school something said to tell her my story, i declined thinking it wasn't necessary.

When she was awarded the best student in chemistry department  and her head was down and something told me she had low self esteem, why did i tell myself she was only embarrassed because people were staring at her.

When she stopped attending fellowship and we went to visit her why did i let myself believe that beneath the smile everything was perfect and she was just too busy to come to fellowship.

Why didn't i persist, why did i look only at her physical features and judge. Pain stung at me, tears rolled down my cheeks, I could have helped if only I had listened to the holy Spirit.

She was insecure, I didn't realise anybody could be insecure.

   I taught only those who could be body shamed, shy or with any physical disability could feel bad about themselves.

How wrong i was, the fact that she looked perfect didn't mean she didn't have her own insecurities.

I cried till my heart hurt, i felt guilt tug at me like sharp knives, the fact that I could have done something to prevent this death, haunted me.

   'Nene i need to go get some things outside' zozy said heading to the bathroom to wash her tear stained face, breaking the silence that ensued while we were both crying.
'And enough of the tears', zozy said coming out of the bathroom and with a sad smile she said 'I'll be right back' before heading out.

Okay, i said choking on my sobs. I envied how zozy could control herself when she wanted to, i knew she wouldn't cry again. She'd just say 'crying won't bring her back'.

I wished i could control myself like that, but no i can't.
I hugged my pillow and straightened on the bed, it's at times like this, i really do miss kelvin.

*         *        *         *         *         *    

Nene are you okay at all !, zozy said glaring at me.

I only said I don't have appetite for food, I'll take tea later, better still get snacks later, I'm just not in the eating mood now, i said pleadingly .

Can you hear yourself at all, yesterday 'I don't have appetite', the day before yesterday 'I don't have appetite'  and now you're saying the same thing, Zozy said angrily.

I'm sorry, it's just..., I started to say when Zozy interrupted me.

It's just what Nene, zozy said with a bewildered look as she sat down beside me and held my hands. 'For crying out loud Nene, you two weren't so close, I'm even closer to her than you so if I got over it, why haven't you'. Nkechi is dead and there is nothing your tears can do about it, if God let it happen then it was meant to happen, stop putting the burden of her death on your small shoulders.

  I know, i just can't......, I was saying when there was a knock on the door and Zozy  went to open the door and lo and behold Kelvin sauntered in.

And why is my damsel in distress, Kelvin said with a huge smile.

Perfect timing, Kelvin, i just gave up on this dumb head, Zozy said referring to me.

'Kelvin', I said still astonished, and my heart beat increased at an insane rate just staring at his handsome self, Kelvin was supposed to be in lagos for his NYSC, and lagos is quite a long distance from here. I didn't want to get him worried and that is one major reason i didn't tell him anything about how I felt, yesterday when we had spoken on phone. One look at Zozy's sly smile I knew who was the tell tale.

Not even a 'hi', I guess am not wanted, Kelvin said feigning disappointment.

I've missed you, I said as I flung myself on him in a tight hug my heart exploding with joy.

Have missed you too babe, but can you please release your grip a bit, Kelvin said making us all laugh.

Seriously gal, i can't believe i spent two days trying to convince you to eat or even smile, you  didn't.

Now kelvin hasn't been here up to an hour and you're already eating and laughing, are you sure it's Nkechi's  death that was affecting you or 'missing kelvin syndrome', Zozy said giving me the 'really' look as she stood up to go out.

Oh please, i said smiling, anyways that's the reason why I'm not going to break your head for calling my boyfriend behind my back, I said after Zozy.

Ungrateful human being, Zozy said closing the door behind her.

Kelvin just laughed before turning his attention back to me.

Hello readers, how was your day?
Hope you're doing great, thanks for reading. I still want to know what you think about this chapter so please comment. Much love -💜💜💜
                                           Zavi.