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The Lady In The Weeping Mansion - BrutalRice

Please keep in mind that I have put my time an effort into this review, and what I've said are my opinions. This review may seem harsh, but I have good intentions and am only trying to help you improve your writing. Please take your time to read through this carefully BrutalRice

Title: I quite like the title, it suits the story, but I feel like from what I read the lady in the mansion could be mentioned a lot more to make the title more relevant. Otherwise I love the title, it suits the story, it's original overall 9/10

Cover: before reading I thought your cover is really cool! I love it, it's spooky, conveys the title. The only thing I could nitpick and is one of my pethates is the "Thriller. Mystery. Suspence." Part at the top which I hate. If you have a good cover and blurb, the audience should be able to figure that out themselves. Otherwise great, final score was an 8/10

Blurb: before even starting the story, your blurb doesn't make much grammatical sense. You really need to watch your tenses, to make sure that it makes sense, and flows well. Readers dont want to read a blurb that isn't grammatically correct, or doesn't flow well, it puts them off reading the rest of the book. The most important parts of a book is the blurb, cover and first chapter (and last if there are more books coming). You need to get those things right, because I personally wouldn't be able to read a book with constant grammar mistakes that are obvious. If you can fix that your blurb could be improved so much, overall score would be 3/10

Plot: okay it's sort of a weird setting out, tbh I don't really like it but that's just my opinion as other people will. In saying this i think this is because in the first chapter you say something along the lines of "now as the narrator…" I don't really like how it's a perspective change, I feel like it's sorta random and doesn't really go with the 'vibe' of your story. I feel like it could progress a little bit faster for a wattpad book, but that's just my personal opinion because to stay invested in a wattpad story something new and interesting and potentially plot changing needs to happen every chapter. Otherwise I'd say a 4/10

Characters: I was sorta confused a lot of the time with characters, I feel like at the start, to many were introduced in a too short time, I didn't know which characters to focus on, I feel like if you reduced the amount of characters introduced at the start, and delved deeper into their personalities your story could be improved so much. Readers want to know the characters, they want to know their personality, so I think if you focus a lot more on certain characters during the beginning it'll make readers want to keep reading. With Faye and Fei that wasn't my fave, it sorta confused me and they sound the same I think? I never really think that's a great idea in a book, as it just makes it feel busier. Overall I'd say 3/10
 
Setting: usually I could tell where you were so it's really good that you always made that known, but I feel like you could go into more detail about the place. Like in chapter 2, tell us more about the carriage Saito was in, was it fancy or rundown? If it was fancy what were the seats like? So instead of saying; "Saito entered the horse carriage without another word… let alone share a seat with him" instead you could say (assuming the carriage is really fancy) "Saito climbed into the horse-drawn carriage, sitting down on the red velvet covered seats and cushions, sighing as nobody sat down next to him, although already knowing it was false hope anyway." By doing that you can show how the other kids didn't like him and give more description into what the carriage looks like. So if you just add more description and while doing that showing other things that happened or characters perceptions to things your book could really improve, I'd say a 5/10

Grammar: a problem that really bugged me was your dialouge. to use dialogue correctly you should be doing this: 

Harry looked at Ron and Hermione,

“Run” he bellowed.

Ron and Hermione sprinted away from the dementors.

Not like this (which is what you are doing)
Harry looked at Ron and Hermione “Run” he bellowed. Ron and Hermione sprinted away from the dementors. 

Otherwise Grammar was pretty decent, I found a few errors along the way which could be found if you got a friend to edit the story for you. Otherwise a 6/10

Your overall score was: 37/70

General feedback: overall, just focus on fixing up the blurb, possibly removing characters so you can delve deeper into other characters' personalities and stories.  And remembering to use more description to describe the surroundings, otherwise amazing job, there's so much potential in your story and just keep writing, scores are just a number, the thing you need to focus on is the feedback and how you can improve your story. Great job :)

If you have any problems with this review please do not hesitate to contact me but I will not tolerate rudeness about it. Thanks, Raven.