Mask of Celibacy

Chapter 37

When Yaya and Care took me home, I fell asleep in the backseat. The roller coaster of emotion had drained me of all my energy even though I was relieved that Grandad would probably make a full recovery. 

Still we had to wait the twenty-four to forty-eight hours because a crapload could happen between May 8 and May 10. Until the doctors told us otherwise, we had to stay positive.

Care logged onto the Internet as soon as we got home to the unmistakable chime of "You've Got Mail". After deleting about four hundred spam emails, she found one email from her study group and another one from none other than Eric.

"Holy shit!" she murmured under her breath, turning to me with a look of apprehension. "I don't know, Jess. You've been through a lot today. Do you want to read it?"

"Go ahead." 

I gave Care a nonchalant shrug while she gave me a wary look. The truth of the matter was that nothing could top Grandad having a heart attack. Even if Eric told me to cut off my own head so that I could never speak to him again, I wouldn't cry. Not after what had already happened. 

Some days decided simply to keep on sucking. 

"Are you sure?" asked Care in a wary tone. "We can wait till tomorrow."

"If I don't know what he said, I won't be able to focus on my finals," I said in a solemn tone. "I need some damn closure with this. After today, nothing he says could make me lose my shit."

"All right..."

To her credit, Care didn't even take a peek at the contents. Or even open up the email for me. She got up from her desk and booted up Tetris while I sat in her comfy roller chair, my heart thudding against my ribs. 

Should I read this now? Am I ready?

Girl, you were born ready, said my conscience in Jack the Jock's voice. 

Jesus, I must really be out of it. My inner voice sounds like Jack now?

Shut up, he retorted. I rock. Now read this shit. Where's your fucking warrior princess?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

______________________________

From: "Eric Stevens" <estevens@holycross.edu>

To: "Carolyn Stavros" <little_linguist@aol.com>

Date:  Saturday, May 8, 1999 6:35 PM

Subject: Please give this to Jess.

Dear Jess,

I'm writing to apologize for my behavior a couple of weeks ago. Care was absolutely right, and I'm sorry, my dear friend. I should have never asked you to be my carrier pigeon. 

Please forgive me. It wasn't fair to you.

I do need to man up and tell you how I really feel, Jess. I know you haven't checked your mail while you've stayed at Care's, so I'm sending you this email through her address. 

Hope that's okay.

Although it's no excuse for my complete radio silence, I've focused on trying to finish more labs, projects, and essays than I could possibly manage these past two weeks. Somehow I've done it, but now I have finals. I've had almost zero sleep. No movie nights. No pizza to relax. No dancing at clubs. 

To be honest, I haven't felt like celebrating anyway. Not until the work is finished.

It's imperative that I keep my grades up, or I'll lose my scholarship. Though my family can afford my tuition fees (so it's not do or die) it would make them extremely disappointed in me.