Mask of Celibacy

Chapter 40

When I arrived home after the last Monday of high school, Mom handed me a pile of thick letters, each with a different college on the return address label. 

My heart thudded against my ribs. It was time to make a choice.

"Are those--?" I asked, speechless.

"I think so," Mom said, her eyes twinkling.

Mom and Grandad watched as I snatched and ripped open the thick envelope from Holy Cross. Scanning the document, my eyes landed on the word I wanted to see. My heart raced with excitement along with tingles in my fingertips. 

"Oh, Gosh! They accepted me!" I squealed. "I don't have to pay a penny to go! Ahhhhhh!"

"Wonderful, congratulations, kid!" Grandad exclaimed.

"I knew you'd make it, dear!"

I scanned the document until I came to the important part. My shoulders sank. "Oh, no!"

"What is it?" Mom asked, her brow furrowed.

"Only three-quarters grants and scholarships," I said, pursing my lips. "Shit!" 

I slammed the acceptance letter on the desk in frustration. Mom gave me a look of concern and pursed her lips. She didn't even bother to correct my language.

Hell, she was probably thinking the same thing.

"What does that mean?" Mom gave me a confused look. "I thought you didn't have to pay a penny?"

"I have to fund the rest of it with loans."

Even with an aid package that generous, I'd acquire well over ten thousand dollars of debt per year. Though I wouldn't have to pay it until after graduation, the monthly rate would turn ridiculous in no time at all. And those loans never went away. Not with bankruptcy. Nothing. 

I'd graduate with a fifty grand tether before my life even started.

Could I accept a burden like that? Sure, graduating from Holy Cross meant access to a wide range of graduate scholarships to Europe, but was it worth it? 

"What about ROTC?" Grandad asked me. "Can't you go for free if you join that program?"

"My granddaughter is not going to join the navy," Mom said.

It was so rare to hear her raise her voice that we both balked at her.

"If Jess studies languages and graduates in good standing, she would serve as a lieutenant," Grandad argued. "She'd be a non-combatant. Anyway, we've lived in relative peace for decades."

"She is NOT going to join Navy ROTC! And that's final," Mom shouted. "I won't see my baby carted off to war."

"This is 1999 not 1940, Carm."

"Think of Iraq," she insisted. "What if that blows up?"

"That region has been a disaster for a decade," Grandad said with a sigh. "We won the Gulf War. It's over. She wouldn't have to fight."

"Jess would have to serve for four years after graduation. Until 2007!"

"You're missing the point," I said. "First, Navy ROTC involves studying things I hate. Second, it only covers tuition, books, and fees. Not room and board."

"You could stay here, kid."

"With all due respect, I'm not going to put myself through hell if I can't enjoy the whole college experience," I said in a firm tone. "But thank you for your offer, Grandad. It's very generous."