Testing Limits - a Reece Bibby Fanfic

Chapter 28

I have always thought how I was going to die. Dark, deep and depressive I know. After Sophie's brutal death, thoughts of my own demise haunted me continuously. I never want to hurt anyone so I would calculate how much my death would affect people and which would be the best way to go. At first I thought I was to die slowly, give me time to do what I wanted to do, spend time with the ones I loved but the thing about time is you would never know when it would inevitably run out. That's what got my thinking if you knew you were going to die then you and everybody around you would becoming so focused on death that you would find yourself forgetting to live. So that was that idea down the drain. I considered dying heroically, that although my death would be a hard blow to those who cared, the pain would be softened by the fact I did not die in vain. I did it for something meaningful or to save someone. There would still be pain, a lot pain so I moved to my next idea. Cutting myself off from everyone, becoming a recluse, shut off from the world. The perfect idea, there would be no one left behind to grieve, to hurt but there already people I am far to attached to and unable to move on from. Lastly I thought about dying in my sleep. It would be easy just to drift away to where ever the hell we go when we die. Peaceful and beautiful in the sense there would be no pain, for me at least. But then I begin to think about the pain of finding me. Someone, maybe Jake, my mum or a friend, would find me and that would devastate them. That's the problem if you die your going to cause pain so I came to the conclusion that I would just have to live forever. But alas this wicked world had other ideas for me and this was certainly not the way to go I had thought about.

When I walked onto the plane I had realised what was about to happen I don't know what I would have done. Had it been any other day I would have known but not today. Today I lost the boy I was in love with. Today my brother true colours shown through, I am pretty sure I lost him too. The one thing I had going for me was sat next to me, my best friend.

It's a surreal feeling of clarity when you come face to face with death. All the big things in life, they things that seemed monumental at the time were not the important things. The important things were the laughs that your shared with friends, the small looks shared between lovers, the tender embrace and longing touches. What really matters is people. The people that surround you, the people that you love.

In that moment as the coach was hurtling back and forth, towards our impending death thats when I realised that I had fucked up. I had pushed away everybody who had cared. My mum, she spent years just trying and trying to help me till she snapped. I pushed her past her breaking point. Jake who has spent the past six months to repair what we have for me to leave time and time again. Each time it was me who left, it was me that gave up. I left everybody behind that cared. Other than Liam I am alone and I only have myself to blame.

Around me everybody was holding their neighbours close. Where they family, friends or simply strangers? Everybody taking comfort in their last few moments having accepted their fate. I turned to Liam, pressing our foreheads together. Tears running down my face, "I love you Liam." I whisper.

"I love you too, I love you baby girl but don't say it like its the end. Me and you, we've got too much left to do to die now. First of all we have senior year. Me and you are ruling the school just like we always planned. Somehow we will survive the torturous last year and we will graduate. I will watch you go on stage and get that diploma and I am going to screaming and cheering the loudest. And you better be doing the same for me, although grandma may be slightly louder than you, you know what she's like. Then University, Oxford hopefully. We will pack up our bags and move to London. We will have the whole experience. Then when the time comes eventually when you meet a guy and decide thats it, this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. I will be the proud best friend that watches you walk down the isle in a massive puffy white dress and then fights the old ladies for the bokay of flowers. Then, god forbid, you have little mini Lauren's and they grow up to be just as horrific and badly behaved as you were, I will be there to help you along the way. Then when we are old, wrinkly and need diapers I am still going to be right by your side. I know that this is fucking terrifying, I am so scared but I know that we are going to be okay. I love you and we are not going to die, not today." he wiped my tears and repeated, "Not today."

"Not today." I whispered back before the coach crashed and blinding pain and darkness swept over me.