If I Go

Chapter 10

It's been a few hours after Chloe and Gaven left. I glanced at the nightstand clock: 10:00pm. I tried to sleep, tried to let the deep slumber swallow me. But I kept thinking about the GHB that's been roaming around in my body for a few days now. Would the GHB get so bad that I could have a heart attack and die? Would GHB flood and distribute throughout my entire body and kill me? 

I was so afraid to sleep that night since I was so worried about the GHB and how it was affecting me right then and there. I just laid in my bed until I saw dawn arrive outside my big window; the sun arose in the purple-pink sky. Good. I survived another day, I thought. It's crazy to think that I could die at any second. It's scary, since I don't know what's in store for me or if there's an afterlife. 

It's scary that I might leave the world forever. No do-overs, and no second chances at life. Once I die, that's it. It's over. Thats the freaky part about all of this. I might never see my parents again. Or Chloe and Gaven. Interupting my thoughts, my room door opened a crack. I instantly saw a nurse's hat on top of her head and then I knew who it was.

Loretta bursted in with her notepad in one hand and pen in the other. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her hair looked uncombed and dirty. It was like a rats nest that she hid under her hat all the time. She still managed to beam a sad smile my way. "How are you feeling today, Natalie?" She asked, her voice coated with concern.

"I'm okay. How about you? You seem pretty tired," I replied.

"I'm good thanks. Just waiting for the caffiene to kick in!" Loretta smiled again, her eyes filled to the brim with sadness. She then looked down at her notepad and jotted something down. Then she looked up and at me. "Here, let's get you cleaned up. You could take a nice, warm shower and your parents even brought in fresh new clothes."  

She gestured with her hand to the chair that had white socks, dark-wash jeans, a salt and pepper loose turtleneck, and undergarments. After examining the clothes, I turned back to her and shook my head. "I think I'm fine." 

She frowned. "No, I think you really need it. You haven't showered in weeks Natalie." 

"Okay then. I guess I'll take a shower," I replied. I swung my legs over one side of the bed and stood on my feet. But as soon as my feet hit the tile floor, my legs became rubbery and I almost collapsed. Two other nurses suddenly apeared at my sides and grabbed my arms before my knees hit the ground. 

"Careful," Loretta said. "Remember, you are a little weak since the GHB is in your system. Sure, it's not a lot but you did swallow a decent amount of it." 

I nodded at Loretta, suddenly at a loss for words. The two nurses walked me out of my room and into the hallway. The florescent white lights blinded me. Once my eyes adjusted to the brightness, we kept walking to where the shower room was. When we got there, Loretta stood there as if she was waiting for me. 

"The towel is on the hook of the door as you can see and your clothes are perched on this little sidewall shelf," She gestured with her hand to it then continued. "When you are done and changed into your new clothes, ring that red buzzer on the door and I will come get you." 

"Okay," I replied. Once I was in, I cranked the shower on and took delicate time washing my hair and body. It never felt so good to get in the shower and cleanse myself. The water from the shower rained down on me like a waterfall streaming down a mountain. The steam from the warm water made the walls of the space all dewy and moist to the touch. 

I turned the shower off and started to dry myself. Once dried, I put on my clean clothes and brushed my hair. Since there was a little mirror in the shower space that I was in, I put my hair into a side braid. When I was satisfied with how I looked, I pressed the red buzzer. 

While I waited, I hung up my drenched towel and leaned against the wall. A few minutes passed and Loretta didn't show. I waited some more and she didn't come. I waited, and waited and waited. I glanced at the wall clock. It's been an hour of waiting for Loretta and the two other nurses to appear. I groaned. 

Anger coursed through me. What's taking Loretta so long? Didn't she hear the buzzer? Why was Loretta not here by now? I was supposed to be her first priority since I was technically her patient. I couldn't take another hour of waiting for Loretta so I slowly opened my shower stall a crack. I heard a nurse scuffling about and I instantly closed my stall. Then I heard the door slam and assumed she went out.

Once assured the coast was clear, I slowly opened the stall door and started walking toward the door. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I wobbled unsteadily towards my exit; towards my escape. I felt like I was being treated like a little kid and I was tired of it. I was tired being here and tired of having to work so hard just to do the simplest things such as walking.

My heart beated at a fast, brisk pace as I made my way towards the door. It felt like a mile away at the pace I was walking at. My legs wobbled with every step I took, my body physically exausted from the effort. 

I was about to turn the knob of the door when my head suddenly felt heavy and everything around me started to spin and my eyelids started to droop; my legs gave out. I fell to the floor, my vision going dark.