Not Even Death

We Were Lucky

Bitter brown sludge. That's what you might call the stuff that my caf machine sputters out.

"No!" I cry and bang my fist over the top. "Why can't you just work?"

This is the third day this month alone that my morning starts off with a terrible cup of caf. I just need my juice. Is that so wrong?

"I thought you weren't supposed to have caf—"

"It's half-caf!" I cut Ezra off, very not in the mood.

Sabine shoves the last bite of breakfast into her mouth before jumping to Ezra's rescue.

"Come on Ez," she says hurriedly and grabs his arm. "We have to help Zeb move his stuff into Rex's apartment."

"But I—" Ezra starts futilely as his girlfriend drags him away.

I grumble as I sip my lukewarm caf and nearly gag. Snippets from yesterday's arguments replay on a loop in my head. I rub my swollen belly in hopes of easing some tension.

"I know what I said to your papa," I admit to the baby, "but I didn't mean all of it."

Of course, the baby doesn't respond, but I take the silence as an excuse to talk on, "I don't want to leave you or Kanan. I just know how lucky we are. We get to be a family, and there are a lot of families that don't."

After my second attempt at the sludge, I give up and dump the contents of my cup into the food disposal.

"I love your papa," I whisper as my fingers rest against my stomach.

"And I love you."

My lips turn up briefly as I glance up to see Kanan standing in the doorway with a toolbox.

"I heard you beating the caf machine again," he offers. "I wasn't trying to eavesdrop."

My heart flutters, and my pulse quickens as Kanan awkwardly rubs the back of his neck with a free hand. His hair sticks up in random places from sleep and his bare chest reveals the leftover scars from surgeries and burns, but in this moment, I'm struck by how perfect he really is. Even when we fight, Kanan is still there for me.

"Anytime. Anywhere. Anything." He's there.

"I'm glad you did," I say as I take the box from him.

It's beautiful how easily we fall back into sync. I open the side panel of the machine, and Kanan hands me wrenches, clamps, and calibrators before I even ask. We're a team, and we're a family.

And we're never going to agree on everything.

But that doesn't mean we shouldn't see things from other's side. That I shouldn't see things from his perspective.

"That should do it," I think out loud as I replace the side panel.

Kanan places a fresh mug under the spout and starts up the machine. "Sounds promising," he says with a grin. "How does she look?"

I sigh with relief as the rich aroma of caf fills the air and my cup fills with something far more liquidy than before. "Oh, sweet karabast, it's perfect."

Kanan's arms wrap around my shoulders before he plants a light kiss on my forehead. "Permission to say that you're perfect?"

He wins a giggle as I take my caf to the table dragging the Jedi along with me. "Oh no, you can do way better than that."

We sit across from one another as the dining hall fills with the smell of caf. Kanan thrums four fingers against the tabletop, and I can only assume that means he's trying to think. But he could also be constipated. Sabine said she and Ezra both had a rough weekend with the refresher.

"Then how about this: You were right."

Taking a deep sip I reply, "I'm right about everything. You'll have to be specific."

I earn a smile from Kanan, but it doesn't reach the crinkles in his eyes.

"I was afraid," he speaks softly. "I was afraid to lose you."

The steam from my caf cup swirls into the morning air. I watch it as Kanan continues.

"But even if I keep you here, and we stay hidden in the Ghost... I could still lose you. The Empire could slam Lothal with everything they have, and then what?" He pauses. "You were right when you said that we're lucky, and we shouldn't waste that."

"You were right, too," I add after a beat.

Kanan's face changes to something like mock shock, and I almost regret my word choice.

But I keep going, "Yes, drink it up. You were right... this one time," I warn with a light laugh. "We've always been a family, but it was different. We were part of the Phoenix Squadron on top of everything. You and I didn't have to clear every strategic move with the other because it was war; we had to fight."

I pause to take another long drink, and I really wish this wasn't half-caf. "Now, we're family first, and that means we need to make decisions like a family."

Kanan reaches out a hand and manages to grab my wrist, but our fingers find their way eventually. There's an instant transfer of heat from Kanan's warm hand to mine, and I smile.

"You should go when you think the time is right," Kanan's voice is soft and strong.

"I'm not going until it's absolutely necessary," I decide.

Warm fingers tighten around mine. "I trust you."

:) Kanan and Hera make me very happy. I'm rewatching Rebels, and I am just blown away by how perfect they are. Like they don't need PDA or verbal confirmations from one another. They're such a healthy pair!

Also, who else was confused by the fact that they weren't OFFICIAL until season four? Like after reading A New Dawn, I somewhat get the idea that Kanan was always more forthright with his feels (and he does initiate most of the flirt-ish stuff), but like Hera calls him "love," and she does not do that with the kids!

*I'm also fairly dyslexic so social cues are hard. Spelling is hard, too.*