Not Even Death

If History Repeats Itself

Earlier

The room still smells like Hera. Everywhere and everything on this ship reminds me of Hera because she was so closely linked with every gear, and bolt, and scrap of metal that makes the Ghost run. This is her home.

My stomach turns again.

It was.

What kind of word is that? Was. What really separates the past from the present? Is it just the fact that she can no longer walk these corridors? Because I feel her presence every day. Is it because we can't see her or hear her voice? Because I stopped seeing her long ago, but I will always hear her laughter when Chopper gets snippy or Ezra trips over his own feet.

How can someone so entwined with your very being just stop existing?

If I live, doesn't that mean that she can live in me? And Jacen... And Ezra. And Sabine. And Chopper. And Zeb.

"Choppy!" Jacen shouts from his place on the bed beside me where he had been happily playing with his stuffed blurrg, "Konnee." Jacen's vocabulary has gotten a lot better, and the 'ch' sound almost comes out right.

In response, the droid beeps wearily. Before Spector Seven could walk and talk, Chopper the astromech feared no one, but then Jacen decided droid antenna is his favorite chew toy.

"From who?"

Chopper beeps back.

"Can you put the transmission on?"

Now, Chop just sounds offended.

"Hey," I jab a finger in his direction, mostly, "watch your language around my kid please."

Thankfully, Chop turns on the transmission without much more delay, and a familiar voice fills the captain's quarters.

"Kanan," Ahsoka's gentle voice reaches me, "it's so good to see you."

"And it's good to hear your voice," I respond as Jacen clambers across my lap. "Oof, careful Sev."

"Wow, he's grown so much," I can hear the amusement in her tone. "Has he shown use of the force yet?"

I let a brief chuckle escape. "Thankfully, no. He's such a handful with just me and Ezra and Sabine. I can't imagine what mealtime will look like when he learns to levitate his vegetables," and I wince at the thought.

"Oh come on, I'm sure two Jedi and a Mandalorian can handle one small child."

As if on cue, Jacen decides to lurch from my lap towards what I can only assume is Chopper's antennae. I do my best to reel in the child, but he's very insistent. The more I pull back, the more he struggles and shrieks.

"Jacen," I try to keep the calm in my voice, "Chopper is not a chew toy."

"No!" he cries.

"Jacen," I allow a more threatening tone to take over.

This time, the struggling stops, and Jacen falls heavily back into my lap. "I want Konnee," he settles. "I want Konnee!"