DOLDRUMS [H.S]

3

I tossed and turned but just couldn't find the right position. A lingering haze of sleep sat somewhere at the back of my mind but was too far away to reach, floating in the pool of my memories. Icy discomfort blossomed in my chest and made it difficult for me to breathe. Trying to make myself fall into slumber, I took as deep breaths as I could, but many just caught in my throat, like an icy wind had blown down there and managed to freeze the air solid. At that moment, I knew this was going to be a long night.

I just couldn't stop thinking about the things Diana told me.

All I could think about was the face of my mom.

I feel this blackness come over me. Like a blanket, but not a blanket of warmth but a blanket of coldness making me shiver. But somehow it's making my eyes feel heavier and heavier. I finally close my eyes finally sending me into a dreamless sleep.

                                                                 *****

 I wake suddenly, every thought in high definition. My eyes take in every ray of light and without a doubt I know I've slept too long. I checked my phone to see the time it was 12:45 in the noon nearly an afternoon I must say.

After brushing my teeth, I strip down and step slowly into the tub, turning the water on high and letting it beat over my head in steamy rivulets. Closing my eyes to the water as the heat soaks into my skin, I lean against the cool tiles as my weak legs threaten to buckle. I slide down into the water, letting it block out the sounds around me. I wish the tub would expand so I could go swimming, like I used to on hot summer Sundays in the woods with my father and mother. Those days were a special treat. 

"Your mom died because of you"

My mind kept repeating those words. 

The water rushes in like it owns me, suddenly it becomes so difficult for me to breathe. I quickly stood up from the tub gasping for air.

This is going to be bad. I said to myself.

I walked out of the bathroom and wrapped the towel around my naked body. I quickly got changed into my normal clothes, i.e oversized sweatshirt and a black leggings.

I wasn't really hungry. And since I have my biology exam on monday I decided it better for me to study. 

I sat on the chair placed beside my study table and kept turning the pages until I found the one specific chapter huh.

I started reading the first line but-

"Your mom died because of you"

It was so hard for me to concentrate on any other things but this. Why does this hurts me so much?

Was it really my mistake? Did I killed my own mom.?

Thousand of thoughts ran inside my mind. I closed my eyes trying to find comfort.

"Mom, don't leave please" I see my old self learning to ride a bicycle.

"I won't sweetie, you're gonna be fine"

"No, I won't" I said while paddling.

"You'll be fine trust me, just don't turn back"

"What" I said turning back and I fell of the bicycle.

"I told you not to leave" I said sitting on the grass and pouting.

"I'm sorry honey, but have to learn by your self, I'm only here to help you. I can't be with you everytime. You have to learn for your self"

"Why won't you be with me forever."

"Because, you'll grow up and you won't need me" She said cupping my cheeks.

"No, I'll always need you" I said hugging her.

"You won't darling"

I miss you mom so much. A pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes.

I know its my fault and I don't deserve to live.

'Of course you don't'

I heard a voice inside my head. It was my mom's.

'What should I do mom?'

'Easy kill yourself Grace'

'H-how?'

'Jump off from a building, slit your throat, cut your wrist, hang yourself. Do whatever to die I don't care.'

'Why would you say that mom'

'Because of you I'm not alive'

'I know I'm sorry'

'Kill yourself Grace'

'You really want me to do that?'

'Yes, that's the least you can do'

'Fine, I'll do it.'

I opened my eyes and I knew what I had to do. I will do what she just said.

Its my fault that she is not alive anymore.

I walked towards my bathroom and found it.

A sharp-shiny object.

It was a new blade I bought for shaving my legs. Luckily I haven't put it yet.

I pulled my sleeves up. I placed the blade on the surface of my wrist. and scratched it again and again and again. Blood started dripping out from each cut I made. 

I started feeling dizzy, I tried to walk towards my bed but my legs started to feel weak. And then it hit me. Its going to be over soon.

The guilt that I feel everything is going to be over, very soon.

My eyes felt so heavier and heavier and I closed my eyes. 

                                                                     *************

Never ever do that, I repeat N-E-V-E-R   E-V-E-R!!
If you have any types of problems please take some help or if you want someone to talk, you can always talk to me.

Please but don't hurt yourself! Please don't.

Btw do you remember when fan told Harry that- "You saved my life" He then saw the scars on her hands-
and he replied with "And you save mine" 
Awwwwwww

Anyways It means our lives are somehow Harry lives so don't you dare to hurt yourself because you'll hurt a part of Harry. And nobody wants that.

ILY SSSSSM!!!💛💞

ps:- after one or two chapter maybe HARRYYY will come into the story so stay tuned *wink*