DOLDRUMS [H.S]

9

I got up from the couch after finishing my coffee. I decided not to change the clothes because they weren't that bad for just a casual hang out.

"Where are you going" Louis asked.

"Just going to hang out" I said hiding my amusement. Why am I amused?

"With....?" Louis asked again.

"Umm..... harry" I said.

"Okay" He said smirking.

"Why the eff are you smirking" I said annoyed.

"I'm not" He replied grin playing on his face. Does he think I'm blind?

"Whatever" I shake my head.

My phone vibrated again. I checked it and it had a text message from Harry.

*I'm outside* 

*I'm coming, hold on* I texted back.

"I'm going" I said to Louis.

"Okay" He said with smirk still playing in his lips. I hate that smirk.

"Stop with the smirk or else I'll kick your ass" I said irritated.

He chuckled and raise his hands in a dramatic way. I walk out from my house and saw Harry with his motorcycle. I have to sit with him in that, 'again' my subconscious added. Great.

"Hi" He greeted.

"Hi" I replied.

"Shall we" He asked.

I nodded and hop onto the back of his motorcycle maintaining distance between us. He started driving.

"How are you, I mean are you okay?" He asked.

I mentally crossed my finger praying for him not to bring any questions about my breakdown. 

"Yes, I'm fine" I replied. 

The whole ride was silent. An awkward silence.I prefer cars more than motorcycles to be honest.
After and hour of a ride Harry pulled in near a house. It had cherry trees on the sides of it which made it look beautiful.

We walked towards the house, it was all made of wood. Harry opened the door my eyes widened at the view. It had posters of Queens all around the walls. 

"This is..." I lack words to describe what I was feeling. I looked around adoring every single poster of Queens. I heard 'don't stop me now' playing. I looked towards the sound and saw Harry playing it on speakers.

"This is amazing" I said.

"Well, I've collected these posters over the years." He replied. 

I smiled at the response he gave.

I was just adoring every single thing of the house. There was something in queens which I always found fascinating, maybe their style, the way they sing, I don't know.

"You like it?" Harry asked.

"Of course, I love it" I replied.

"So I can kill you now" He teased.

"Shut up" I rolled my eyes at him. He chuckled.

I checked the time it said its 4 pm, time really goes by so fast. 

"So now what?" I asked looking towards him.

"Now..I will drop you to your home back" He said.

I nod.

"Let's go then" I said

"Okay" He smiled.

We walk out of the house. Harry started his motorcycle and again I hop onto the back of it.

"Was that your house though?" I asked

"Umm yeah you can say that" He replied.

"What do you mean by that" I asked.

"Its like my second house, whenever I feel low I go there" He said.

"Oh" I managed to say.

Its pretty cool isn't it? 

I was now enjoying the view I had. I looked up and In that welcome amber glow the time of slower thoughts has arrived, those moments when with open eyes my brain becomes as a perfect empty horizon, seeing, yet content to sit. I feel the soothing breeze, become absorbed in the music of crickets, letting the gentle energy of nature wash in.

Harry pulled in just outside my house. I step down from the seat.

"Thank you" I said.

"No, thank you" He chirped.

I just smiled and wave at him. My heartbeat was now risen, as I walked towards my main door.

I pulled my phone and message Louis.

*Are you at my house?* I asked

*No, sorry. I had to take Lottie for shopping* He replied.

I crossed my fingers hoping that Diana wouldn't see me.

I slowly opened the door, and walked towards my room's staircase. 

"Where were you" I heard Diana asking.

Shit. I mentally cursed. I turned around to face her.

"I...I" I felt a lump growing in my throat.

"Why didn't you tell me where were you going?" She asked walking towards me.

NO no no please don't come near me. Please. My heartbeat went double.

"Don't you think you should tell me about everything, Grace" She said in a slow voice running her fingers through my hair. A shiver went down my spine.

"Answer me" I jumped when she yelled at me.

I nodded in response. 

"Words, use words Grace!!" She was now screaming at me.

"Yes" I stuttered.

"Good" She said. 

I was frozen at my spot, tears filled my eyes. At that moment I knew I was afraid of what she might do to harm me.

She pulled my sleeves up where she had dig her nails yesterday. There was now formed a bruise telling how violent she is.

She gently run her fingers along the bruise and pressed it. I hissed it pain. Tears rolling down my face. I closed my eyes the pain was overwhelming. The longer she gripped my hand the more pain she was causing me. She suddenly stopped after a few minutes.

"You can go now" She said giving be the most fake smile ever.

I ran upstairs and locked the room. I sat on the floor bringing my knees to my chest and putting my head between them. My eyes were dripping with tears. The walls that usually hold me that makes me strong....they collapsed. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching the shirt.

I missed my mom so much. If she would be here she....

That's the point isn't it? She is not here. Because of me. 

I wanted to scream so loud but I couldn't because I didn't wanted anyone to hear my breakdown. I stood up from the place and walked towards the table. I knew what I had to do.

I took the blade out from my bag and adored every single thing of it. I placed it on the skin of my hand and scratched the surface harshly. The pain that blade was causing me was nothing in front of the pain of losing my mom because my own mistake.

I scratched the skin again and again and again...

Blood oozing out of the scratches. I didn't even care to wipe the blood that was oozing out of my skin. I walked toward my bed and tuck myself on it. I pulled the blankets up to my head and closed my eyes. 

                                                            ***********************

This chapter might be triggering for some people and I'm  really sorry for that. Self harm is dangerous and please never do that to your self. You deserve the world❤✨