Jenlisa Oneshot

Wrong

Her first love was a girl. A girl who had gotten her confused because her heart would race when she saw her and her tummy feeling like it'd explode from the fluttering of a thousand pairs of wings she felt inside it every time they shared a friendly hug. The same girl got her frustrated because she couldn't understand why she was so easily affected by anything the girl did or didn't do. At one point, that girl got her hating herself when she realized she was head over heels for her and that couldn't be normal. Not with how or where she was brought up. No, her family probably would disown her and society would frown upon her abnormality.

That girl served to be the turning point of her life. She started to be more cautious of her actions and attentive to her surroundings; afraid that someone would find out, thinking maybe it was just a crush and it would fade away or maybe it was just a one-time thing, that that girl would be the only one that she was attracted to and that it was just a phase.

The first person to ever make her feel that way just had to be a girl and she had wished so badly as she lied awake on her bed so many nights that it was a boy instead because liking a boy was normal, being that affected by a boy was normal and missing a boy that much was normal. She wished so badly that she was normal instead because she didn't feel right liking another girl. It didn't feel right. She had wished upon countless stars, through her muffled sobs against her blanket and tears damping her pillow, to make her normal again.

Her wishes weren't granted, though, because she found herself physically attracted to other girls as well; catching herself easily staring at their lips when they talk, mesmerized by their eyes when they smile, admiring their hips when they move, taking note of their hair fluttering against the soft breeze when it blows past them and she couldn't help but think about how they smell nice, all the time. When she realized it, she was sitting at her favorite café with her best friend and was suddenly aware of how extremely beautiful her best friend's smile was and almost too casually thinking how lucky her boyfriend was to get to kiss those lips; all while they were talking about a dead bird. It scared the hell out of her and completely threw her off-guard.

A gasp escaped her when she caught her own thoughts as she was sipping her drink. She choked on her caramel frappe and felt her whole body jump as if reality sucker-punched her in broad daylight. She had to make up some lame ass excuse to ease her best friend's worries after her coughing fit as some of her drink managed to force its way out her nose. It hurt but not more than when she realized that she had never felt as attracted to boys as she was to girls. Not even close.

She had unintentionally flinched away from her best friend's touch when the latter had reached out to pat her back and had to cover it up hastily, carelessly, when she saw hurt flicker across her best friend's face. Even though she was sure that the latter hadn't believed her when she said nothing was wrong, she was glad that she wasn't probed further to spill the truth. What was she to say even if she did come clean right there and then? Was she to say that she was gay that openly? That she wasn't normal? She wasn't ready to admit that yet, not even to herself.

What if her best friend didn't find it normal either? What if she thought she was a creep and didn't want to stay friends with her anymore? What if she couldn't understand it either? What if she spilled it out to everyone else? That'll be the end of her. No, she wouldn't let that happen. She couldn't. She wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready for abandonment of everyone that meant so much to her and just the thought of it almost broke her apart. She was terrified and she had never felt so alone, dealing with every single insecurity on her own but she knew she had to. It was something she had to deal with by herself, even if it meant keeping things from everyone that mattered to her. It was something she had to understand herself before trying to explain it to anyone.