YOU PROMISED ME FOREVER -- Sequel to "DIFFERENT"

15 -- DON'T LET GO

Warning  --  Mild violence, Excessive use of tissues

Please play the video at your leisure, it will elicit different reactions if watched before reading this chapter, and after, I guarantee it.  Or you can just torture yourself and watch it at the end.   Watch at your own risk ........ 

Larry slept with Laurent in their bed that night.  They didn't make love, he would respect Lau's wishes on that count, and he wasn't going to push it.  He was just glad that Laurent wanted to be close to him again.  They held each other close, and he let Laurent take the initiative on that, too.  Larry gazed into Laurent's eyes, well, at least he tried to.  Whereas they could look into each other's eyes for forever, it seemed, now all Laurent could manage was a few seconds before his gaze faltered.  It was too intimate, he said, he felt too self conscious.  It took self confidence, self assurance, and self love to be able to hold another person's gaze like that.  Self love was difficult for Laurent to find right now, he was having difficulty loving anything.  So he would look at Larry for a few moments,  then he would bury his face in Larry's neck, hair, or chest, blushing, and embarrassed.  But it was OK, Larry told himself, and Laurent.  Baby steps.  They'd get there.  Laurent was the one who had taught him patience, and now he was glad for it. 

Laurent had good days and bad days.  The good days were a gift.  Usually the weather would lift his spirits, and the whole family would go for a walk, or to the park, or to go see a movie.  The mall was out, too people-ly, too much noise and sudden movement for Lau's liking.  He would keep thinking he saw Cole on the crowd, remembering the day at the mall when he chased him down.  

But at the end of a good day, the family would go home and relax, maybe have a BBQ in the garden, play some music, and have some fun.  No dancing yet, though.  Laurent would talk with the kids.  He wasn't up to playing with them yet, but he would sit and talk, maybe do some puzzles or read, with both Michaela and Kayden.  Kayden was getting his papa back, and he loved it.  He basked in Laurent's attention, his affection and his embrace.  Every so often, Laurent would catch Larry smiling at them, and then he knew he was doing good.  Then HE would smile, and Larry would bask in that, too.  His son was in his arms, and his husband was happy.  Things felt almost normal on those days.  Yeah, he was doing good. 

Then, there were the bad days.  Larry tried not to keep track of Laurent, he was a grown ass man, he could go where he wanted, and do as he pleased.  But if Larry hadn't seen him for a while, and he couldn't find him in any other part of the house, he knew where he would be.  He would be sitting, naked and shivering, under a freezing cold shower.  Where he saw Cole when he first came home.  Where he still did.  Where he punished himself with flashbacks, and his guilt, and his self hatred.  Plus, he was out of Larry's way too.  On his bad days, just looking at Larry made him feel so much guilt, so much anger at himself, but so much love, he couldn't stand it.  And the guilt nearly always won.  Such conflicting emotions in the same second, the same breath.  It was then that he couldn't cope with trying to sort his feelings out, so he retreated to their room, and the freezing shower, his self inflicted punishment, his emotional prison.  This was the only way he knew how to deal with it.  It didn't make him feel better, or help something come to light, or make it so he could see things differently, it just ...... was.  

Larry would do the same thing over and over again, when he found him.  He would help him to his feet, get dried and warm, dress him in some soft, warm bedclothes, and put him to bed.  Just like he would a child, like he had with Michaela and Kayden.  What he wanted to do was another thing entirely.  He wanted to shake him, tell him to stop this ridiculousness, to come back to him, to be his Laurent again.  But he couldn't.  He had tried some tough love a while ago, tried talking to him sternly, tried playing the devil's advocate, to MAKE Laurent feel something except the pain that was eating him alive.  It ended up with Laurent staying in bed for three days, not wanting to see anyone, not even the kids, and especially not Larry.  He was so fragile at times like these, and it was taking it's toll on Larry too.