Chaos [BWWM]

Chapter Sixteen

It was the weekend and somehow, Zachary hot the hint to leave her alone. She pretended she didn't care that huge wasn't trying to contact her. She pretended that she didn't sweat whenever she got a new notification from her phone and when she checked, it ended up being her boss, Toni reminding her of what she had to do come the following week. It was disappointing but she wouldn't admit that.

Trying to take her mind off Zachary, because she didn't understand how within a short while he was causing so much chaos in her mind. Why was his name, his person filling up her entire mind this way? She wondered.

She still remembered his smell, like man, so earthy and grounded with the hint of musk. She visualized his eyes, they were so kind towards her and belied the cold image that would normally be associated to a man like him. He was so sweet to her, she couldn't help but melt each time he spoke to her or even looked at her.

Imani was never one to actually like someone this way, and yes, she guessed she sort of liked him. She didn't really know what that was. If you don't count the occasional crushes on passerby in her life, for example she could admire someone's body, voice or personality — but not all three on the same person, they were always lacking. She also had crushes on characters in movies and dramas she saw but she knew it was their character she liked and not the actual person.

Plus she also knew she was insecure. Yes, she was. Society hadn't made her feel safe in herself. Even if the mainstream media was beginning to appreciate women like her because she was thick, had a big ass or fatty like they were wont to say and had double d's — that they crudely appreciated, nobody liked that her stomach wasn't flat and she had these stretch marks. They said it wasn't attractive, therefore stretch creams were selling fast and diet plans were the new go-to's for  flatter stomachs.

It wasn't like she didn't try. She actually did try to get rid of stretch marks but on second thought, she decided not to and just covered it properly, making sure not to expose those areas. She tried with dietary plans but she did really like food so that one was also cancelled. Apart from the seven minute exercise she made sure to do everyday, that was it. But she was trying her best, really trying hard to live her body but it isn't easy.

Didn't help that she hadn't had a love interest and she knew she shouldn't be saying it, because people will say "you have to love yourself first before someone else will come loving you for who you are," but she didn't believe that, it didn't apply to her. And sometimes, most times, these days her mind wasn't letting her rest and somehow there was this voice rearing it's ugly head and saying she couldn't be loved because she wasn't enough. People didn't look twice at her direction, sure they stared when they saw her behind but nobody really looked at her. But there was that way Zachary stared at her and — she wasn't going to think about it.

Not being enough, not actually existing to be noticed, hurt. Sometimes we all just want to be loved, even when we are feeling low. That was what she wanted. She tried really hard to make herself be useful to people so maybe that would actually really need her like she wanted. She worked her high school and university being nice to anyone within her vicinity. Basically, she allowed herself to be used but consoles herself by saying that it was because she was important.

It wasn't. That was why she had no friends now. People only wanted her for what she could offer and not because they cared about her. It was only now she was beginning to speak out with any injustices thrown her way and she first started with Toni; her boss.

He had been trying to lord over her because she had refused his advances when she first started working at the company. Then he began to insult her weight and the way she worked. She always got the job done at the appropriate time when he wanted but that didn't stop him from wounding her with his words.