Dear Diggory

chapter 45

I dried the last of the paint with my wand and leaned back in satisfaction, admiring my work in the journal.

The paintings were beautiful, even by my standard. I'd spent extra time perfecting them and used all my best paints, it had definitely paid off.

The maps looked great too and helped add some character to the book, tying it properly into what we had discussed in class.

We had finished the fourth exploration on Thursday and I'd spent all of yesterday adding the final touches to the journal. It was now Friday lunchtime and it was entirely completed.

All it needed now was for the others to write the descriptions and measurements into the corresponding empty pages and we could submit it before the deadline.

I closed the journal and pulled my shoes on hurriedly, not bothering to check my appearance in the mirror, though I was sure I had paint smudged on my neck.

I wanted to show Cedric my efforts, he'd told me he was excited to see how it came out. It was his turn to have the journal next anyway, he'd volunteered to write the descriptions in for us.

I was practically bouncing with joy as I left the dorm and made my way downstairs. It was quiet and I knew all the students were still at lunch. I'd skipped it in favour of my work, too absorbed to detach myself even for a food break.

I went in the direction of the great hall and began to walk along the bench to where the Hufflepuff guys normally sat. When I arrived I surveyed the table, but Cedric wasn't present.

"Hey Lila, what's up?" Max grinned at me as he took a bite of his sandwich. He had noticeable hickeys scattered across his neck and I pretended not to see them, Evelyn had already recounted the dirty details without any encouragement. I wasn't in the mood for a round two.

"Hey, I'm looking for Cedric actually. Do you know where he is?"

"I think he's in the courtyard, he wanted fresh air or something." Rory offered.

I thanked him and turned around, exiting the hall quickly. I walked over to the large entrance doors and was about to step into the courtyard, but I came to an abrupt stop under the archway.

Rory had been right, Cedric was sitting on one of the concrete benches in the symmetrical space, but he wasn't alone.

Two very pretty Hufflepuff girls were sat with him, I recognised one of them. It was the Penelope girl who'd told me to back off Cedric. My face morphed into a scowl at the sight of her.

They all seemed to be laughing at something Cedric had said, as if he was the funniest person in the world. I watched as Penelope laid her hand on his arm flirtatiously, stroking it with her long nails.

He didn't make a move to remove her, just smiling instead.

Oblivious prick.

It didn't seem to me that he was out here for fresh air after all.

I turned quickly, before he could spot me standing there like freak and ran right into someone's chest. I stumbled back slightly from the impact but their arm reached out to stop me from falling on my ass.

"Oh sorry Jamie, I didn't see you." I muttered, recognising his ginger curls.

"It's okay," he smiled, "did you find Cedric?"

"Yeah... he's out there... but he looks busy. Actually do you mind giving this to him?" I held the journal out between us.

Confusion flickered across his face, but he took it without any further questions.

"Err sure thing."

"I'll see you later." I turned and fled back to the dorm room, not wanting to stand there for another moment.

When I got back in our room I laid on the bed and hugged my pillow against me, digging my nails into its plush feathers.

I didn't know why I was so bothered about seeing Cedric with those girls, particularly Penelope.

Why would it matter to me after all? I was his friend, it wasn't my business who he flirted with.

I laid there for a few minutes, letting the image of what I'd just witnessed wash over me.

The recollection of Penelope's perfectly pretty hand touching Cedric made me feel sick. I secretly wished that I could go back downstairs and slap it away.

And that's when the realisation hit me like a truck.

Oh crap.

I'd been such an idiot about the situation, because the truth was so blatantly obvious to me now.

I liked Cedric, I liked him a lot actually.
And not in the friend way, not how I liked Max or Carlisle.

All the moments of the last few months morphed into one and flashed through my mind at super-speed.

Every time he'd taken my hand, every time I'd thought him handsome and wonderful, every time my heart had done a summersault from his words, every time I got butterflies from him looking at me.

It all suddenly made sense.
Each moment suddenly held more weight, more significance. Because each memory now meant something.

A second wave of realisation hit me as I remembered potions class and the scents I'd smelt but couldn't identify.

Cinnamon and orange.

Iconically, overtly, cataclysmically Cedric.

I wondered how I'd missed everything.

How had I not seen my own feelings?
It was so glaring now. The girls had been completely right about what they'd said, always insisting we were more than friends.

I groaned in frustration as I realised this meant I cared.

I cared about who Cedric flirted with because I wanted it to be me so desperately. It felt embarrassing to realise I craved his attention just like all the other girls who'd had a crush on him.

Then my mind finally caught up to the full and painful truth.

Yes I liked Cedric, but I would never be able to tell him. From what I'd seen in the courtyard it was obvious he didn't like me, and I certainly wasn't going to embarrass myself further by confessing to him.

I would never be with Cedric Diggory.

Even as I acknowledged the truth in my head, my stomach knotted up in disappointment. I forced the sensation away, trying to make peace with the reality of our friendship.

I remembered we had our last apparition class this afternoon and groaned again into my pillow.

I couldn't face Cedric so soon after my realisations, I was afraid it might slip out on its own, spouting like water from an exploded fire hydrant.

I decided resolutely to skip the class.
I'd do the exam another time, on my own with a Cedric-free brain.