To Learn to Let Go | ✔

Chapter 19

Recovering from a concussion is actual hell on earth. It took until the end of the week for me to even feel normal again, and even then, I was still a little disoriented and super drowsy. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week, even though I was supposed to. There goes my perfect attendance record. I barely left my bed all week, I barely said a word to my parents. Of course, they talked to me plenty, they wouldn't leave me alone. They apologized more times than I could count. Every time they walked into my room all I could see was him.

I hadn't cut since the night before the assault. Everyone's been keeping a close eye on me since then, asking to see my arms, Trent even asked to see my legs too, so I couldn't even cut there. My anxiety was getting out of control, I couldn't get the memories out of my head, it's like a movie was constantly playing my worst memories over again in my head. No matter how many deep breathing exercises I did, I couldn't turn it off. All I wanted was to forget, but I had no tools to help me do so. The only time I didn't think about Adam was when Trent was here. He would lay with me every day, a few inches apart, and hold my hand or run his finger through my hair. He would tell me about his day at school or we would watch more Star Trek together. He made me forget, mostly because he just didn't talk about Adam. I don't know if it was because he could tell that's what I wanted, or if he just didn't want to bring it up. Either way, I was grateful we weren't talking about it.

Saturday morning came before I knew it and I was trying and failing to come up with any excuse to get out of going to therapy. I tried saying I had a headache, I felt dizzy, I was going to have a panic attack if I left the house, nothing worked. All of my attempts at getting out of it just convinced my parents that I needed more therapy. So, I begrudgingly got into the car and Mom drove me across town to see Dr. Meyer. The car ride was silent. I put on the alternative station that Trent always had on, "Sugar We're Going Down" was playing. I sang along quietly, remembering the time it came on in Trent's truck. I had just found out Adam was coming, and I could barely say a word. I don't think I ever could have imagined where I would be right now.

Dr. Meyer's office was quaint and overly comforting. There were fake flowers and plants everywhere, except for one real bouquet on a coffee table by the couch. There was artwork on the wall, the typical art you would expect in a doctor's office, still life's and portraits, or calming scenes of a park or meadow. Bookshelves filled to the brim with psychology textbooks lined the walls as well, and I noticed that behind Dr. Meyer's desk was a whole row of every DSM ever published. Dr. Meyer was a younger woman, so I doubted that she had been practicing that long, it would be kind of impossible for her to have been practicing in the 1950s. In the center of the room was a brown leather couch, a matching loveseat was adjacent to it, and in the middle a dark wooden coffee table with the fresh flowers, a pitcher of water and some cups, and some stress balls, fidget toys, crayons and paper, and other items that she could potentially use when working with kids. Dr. Meyer herself was wearing a grey suit, her dark brown hair was tied up in a neat bun, a pearl necklace hung from her neck and her bright red lipstick was the only pop of color to her otherwise monochromatic look.

We spent the first give minutes of the session sitting in awkward silence, well it was awkward for me anyway. Dr. Meyer just watched as I fidgeted, snapping a rubber band on my wrist and shaking my leg nervously. "You seem nervous," Dr. Meyer stated.

"N-no shit," I retorted.

"Do you stutter a lot, Grayson?" I nodded.

"How come?"

"I d-don't really like t-talking to people. I don't t-trust people."

"Where do you think that comes from?" She asked.

"You don't kn-know?" I was surprised that the hospital or my parents hadn't informed her of everything.

"Your parents just called to set up the appointment, I also know you recently got out of the hospital. I wanted to wait until after we met to speak with them. I don't like to let outside influences cloud my judgment on new clients," she explained. That was refreshing, most people judged you immediately.