To Learn to Let Go | ✔

Chapter 21

"How are you this week, Grayson?" Dr. Meyer asked as I sat across from her the following Saturday. Her hair was slicked back in a bun again, though her lipstick was a slightly darker shade of red, it suited her better, made her more approachable. Again, she had her notebook open, fountain pen in hand ready to jot down my every word.

"Okay," was my only response.

"Okay?"

"Y-yeah. As okay as I c-can be."

"What does that look like for you?"

"I'm n-not being laughed at a-anymore."

"Anymore?"

"Ev-everyone at school kn-knows," I stuttered.

"The story on the news last week, that was you?"

"Doesn't take a PhD to figure that one out," I scoffed.

"That must be difficult, to have had your private life on Eyewitness News."

"It's hell. P-people gossiped, and laughed, and th-then it was like they just f-forgot. I don't know why but both hurt just as bad."

"It hurts to be the subject of rumors, but when they stopped talking it was almost as if they didn't care, wasn't it?"

"Y-yeah. Like they all realized how d-dark what had happened was."

"People generally don't like to talk about things that make them uncomfortable," Dr. Meyer said casually.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's easier not to talk about. Speaking from personal experience, it's hard to carry around other people's trauma. Why do you think therapists have therapists?" She laughed. "A lot of people can't handle the reality that life can be shitty and hard, sorry I didn't mean to curse. That was unprofessional of me."

"It's okay, th-thank you for being real with me."

"That's my job."

"C-can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"H-how do I deal with the guilt?"

"Guilt?"

"Trent," was all I could manage to get out.

"What I'm hearing is you feel guilty about how much you're putting on Trent?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"That's normal. And to some extent you're right. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone, dealing with that trauma."

"Gee, thanks," I scoffed.

"I know it's not easy to hear. It's a lot to put on Trent, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to lean on him."

"B-but what if it's too much?"

"What if it's too much?"

"What if he leaves?"

"Is that all you're afraid of?"

"He, he's had problems with drinking... and d-drugs."

"You're afraid you're going to drive him to start using again?"

"Yes."

"How he decides to process his own emotions is his decision alone. It wouldn't be your fault if that's how he chooses to cope."

"B-but if I never tell him in the f-first place-"

"Then he still lives with the guilt of knowing you're suffering but won't talk to him about it. And he may still start using again, again because that is how he chooses to deal with things."