To Learn to Let Go | ✔

Chapter 22

The trial was fast approaching, in just one week I was going to be on the stand testifying against Adam. My therapy sessions with Dr. Meyer were going well, I think over the last couple of weeks I caught her completely up to speed on my life. We didn't do too much dissecting of my life and my trauma yet, but Dr. Meyer said that would come in the following weeks. She told me to keep snapping a rubber band against my wrist if I wanted to cut, that was supposed to be the last resort though. I was supposed to try journaling, going for a walk, or calling a friend first.

I relapsed exactly one week before the trial. That Wednesday night I couldn't sleep. All of the pressure was hitting me. I kept replaying my meeting with our lawyer in my mind over and over again. The last week I had been meeting with her to practice for the trial, get my statement together, practice answering questions from the defense, make sure I could hold it together up there. I couldn't get through one session without cracking.

"Now, Mr. Daniels, how long have you known the defendant?" Katrina, our lawyer, asked pretending to be Adam's lawyer.

"S-Since I was born." I responded.

"And what was your relationship with him like when you were little?"

"I-It was good."

"You two were close?"

"Yes..." A weight grew on my chest, restricting my breathing.

"Would you say that he was kind to you, loving, almost a father figure?"

"Y-yes," I stuttered.

"Yet you're accusing my client of viciously raping you from the time you were ten years old? A man who was like a father to you?" The weight on my chest increased, and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest.

"I," I gasped, "I can't do this!" Katrina sighed and pulled up a chair to sit next to me, but not too close. She realized after our first meeting that she couldn't come near me.

"Grayson, you have to be able to answer these questions. I guarantee you his lawyer is going to ask questions just like this, if not worse."

"Are you s-sure there's no way to g-get me out of testifying?"

"You are the only victim, honey. We looked, we talked to other families who knew him, no one else came forward with anything."

"S-So I'm the only one t-testifying against him?"

"No, of course not, Trent is also testifying." My head shot up to look at Katrina, my brows furrowed. "He didn't tell you?"

"No," I whispered, looking down at my hands in my lap. Why wouldn't he tell me that he was testifying?

"Well, I'm sure he just didn't want you to worry about it," she said nervously. I nodded. I was getting real sick of people not wanting to worry me.

"Are you ready to go again?" She asked, standing up.

"I think I'm done for today." I was still on the verge of hyperventilating and I did not think I would be able to answer any more questions.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow though," Katrina said as she packed up her case materials and left my house. That night I laid in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Why wouldn't Trent talk to me about the trial? How was I going to handle the trial? I was so overwhelmed by everything. I had exhausted every coping technique Dr. Meyer had taught me.

Helplessness completely washed over me that night. I sunk into a dark pit of despair that I couldn't see a way out of. I was completely blinded by the darkness, stumbling around looking for a way out that just wasn't there. In my helplessness all I could think about was how I had been victimized, how I would have to face Adam in a week, recount what happened to me to a room full of people. I was desperate to make the feelings go away, to get some fucking sleep, so I relapsed for the first time, and hopefully only time. It helped, but then I felt overwhelming guilt for what I had done, and I still couldn't get any sleep that night.