To Learn to Let Go | ✔

Chapter 23

That afternoon, after sharing our first kiss, Trent invited me back to his house after school. His dad was in surgery and wouldn't be home until late, so we would have some time to ourselves. When he asked me to come over, he was nothing but sweet, gently holding my hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. There was nothing in his voice that told me he expected anything from me, from our time alone that night. That didn't stop me from freaking out about it. Maybe it was the warnings from my parents about Trent, maybe it was the fact that he basically admitted to me at that party that he usually just fucked and dumped people, but I was terrified that now that we kissed he was going to expect that I would go further than that.

When we got into his truck after school my leg was shaking uncontrollably, I was barely talking to him and only mumbling along with the radio. Trent smoked a cigarette and glanced over at me every few seconds. Finally, he got up the nerve to ask what was wrong. I froze, unsure if I should answer honestly, I didn't want to seem scared, or like a loser, or like I don't even know what. But I also knew that if I wasn't honest with him now, and things went too far, I would feel violated by him, it would ruin everything we had built over these last two months.

"I-I'm not ready to h-have sex,' I blurted out. Trent choked on his cigarette smoke and nearly swerved off the road as he coughed.

"Babe, no one said anything about sex. Where is this coming from?" He asked, concern in his voice.

"We k-kissed this morning, and then Brayden's comments, and you s-said how we'd be alone," I listed off all of the reasons I thought he would be expecting sex from me.

"Gray, our kiss this morning, it was the best kiss of my life. It was like electric shocks were running all throughout my body, I felt so alive and connected to you and it just felt amazing."

"It felt the same for me too," I admitted.

"But I did not expect it to go further than that. As for Brayden, I'll fucking kill him for ever giving you the idea that I expected sex from you. The old me would have, the me that had never cared for anyone before. When I said we'd be alone tonight it was because I was excited to talk to you about our kiss. And maybe to kiss some more... but just kiss!"

"R-really?"

"Of course, love. Look, this is all new to me too, an actual relationship, especially one with a guy, it's terrifying if I'm being honest. I've never cared about someone like I do about you, and I don't want to screw this up. I never want to make you uncomfortable or move too fast." I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed in my seat. "Feel better?" Trent asked with a chuckle.

"Much. Thank you," I said quietly.

"There is no need to thank me. I should be thanking you; you've made me a decent person for possibly the first time in my life."

Trent and I were laying together in his bed that night, him holding me tightly in his arms as my head lay on his chest. I didn't feel the same panic I once had being touched by him, instead I felt safety and warmth. Trent and I had spent the afternoon watching Star Trek episodes and eating junk food. After our talk in the truck we kept the rest of the afternoon lighthearted.

"Hey Grayson?" Trent asked suddenly, causing me to jump slightly as I was half asleep.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Can I kiss you again?"

"Of course you can," I smiled, tilting my head up so he could bring his lips to meet mine. Just like before, electricity ran through my body and butterflies were on a frenzy in my stomach. I sat up more and deepened the kiss, cupping Trent's cheek in my hands and using it to pull him closer to me. Trent wrapped a hand around my waist, effortlessly pulling me to sit on his lap. His hands made their way to my hair, fingers tangling themselves in my dirty blonde locks. I reluctantly broke away for just a moment to catch my breath, inhaling deeply before reattaching our lips. Trent licked my bottom lip, and I parted mine slightly, allowing him to slip his tongue inside. I gasped as he explored my mouth, our tongues colliding and fighting for dominance. His tongue retreats, and he bites my bottom gently as he pulls away, causing a soft whimper to escape my lips.

"I'm sorry," Trent gasped through heavy breaths.

"Don't be," I breathed and reconnected our lips, more force and passion behind the kiss than last time. I could feel Trent harden beneath me, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't already there too. I don't know what awoke this confidence within me, but I began kissing along Trent's jawline, back to his ear. I nibbled his earlobe, smirking as he gasped and let out his own whimpers. I began kissing down his neck, stopping when I got near his collarbone and he let out a soft moan. I smirked and bit down in that same spot, causing Trent to buck his hips forward and an even louder moan to escape his lips. I responded to his hips bucking by grinding against him as I reconnected our lips.

"Gray, Gray stop," Trent said, placing his hands on my chest to separate us. "I thought we talked about this."

"But I want to," I whispered huskily, surprising myself with the lust and desperation in my tone. It was like I was a different Grayson, one I didn't know but had been inside of me all along, just waiting for the right person to let him out. A Grayson who longed for a consensual sexual touch, who longed for love. I reconnected our lips greedily only to be pushed away.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured. We can stop, I swear to you we can stop, and I would not think less of you, or be mad at you."

"Do you not want me?" I asked, hurt in my voice now.

"Of course I do, God do I want you, but I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with." I smiled, grateful that he was being so sweet about this, that he was so reassuring, that he wasn't pressuring me. All of that just made me want him more. I still wasn't ready for sex, but there were plenty of things we could do.

"I promise I don't feel pressured, I want this, I want you," I whispered, reconnecting our lips again and this time Trent gave in. 

"How do you feel?" He asked as we cuddled together afterward. We didn't go all the way, I wasn't ready for that. "Was I okay? You didn't freak out, did you?"

"I feel amazing," I sighed. "You are amazing."

"Thank you, for letting me do that."

"I should really be the one thanking you," I laughed.

"I'm serious, thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me. It was truly incredible, you are incredible."

"Thank you for being someone I can trust to share that with." I wanted to say it then, wanted to tell him that I loved him. But I had a feeling he already knew, knew that I wouldn't share that experience with just anyone, that us sharing this moment together meant that I loved him and trusted him. I snuggled closer to Trent, our legs intertwined, our naked bodies mixed up in one another. I fell asleep as he ran his fingers through my hair, kissing my forehead every couple of minutes. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so loved and cared for. I dreamed of Trent, of our future together, I imagined us in a house with a white picket fence and a million dogs. These were the sweetest dreams I had had in years. 

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!  Also I realized that I accidentally skipped over posting a chapter toward the beginning of the story, so what was posted as chapter 8 before was actually chapter 9. So I fixed it now and the real chapter 8 is posted so the story will make a lot more sense now for those of you who read through the whole thing before. I highly suggest going back and reading it if you had already read the whole story.