I love you Dr Reid {S.R X Reader}✔︎

9. The light at the end of the tunnel

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide and other mental health problems.

You could barely hear anything but muffled voices, your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest, and no matter how many deep breaths you took, it never felt like enough.  As you laid there staring, the ringing began to get quieter and the voices became clearer. 

Suddenly Spencer appeared in your line of vision "Hey I got you, you're going to be ok, the ambulance is on its way, you just need to hang in there" he said softly, resting hand on your cheek but his reassurance, didn't comfort you at all.

"Let me go... Spence please let me go.... I don't want to be here anymore... Please let me go" you begged weakly. 

A tear ran down his face "What?! No I won't... Listen I know you don't want to but you need to keep fighting, please keep fighting I... I need you.  We need you" he cried. You stared up at him then looked around you.  Most of the team were sitting around you, Penelope had her face buried in Dereks shoulder, Rossi was holding JJ who was shaking, the entire team seemed to be crying "please don't leave me Y/n".  You took a deep breath then nodded. You weren't sure why, you were desperate for your life to be over, but you couldn't stand seeing Spencer cry. 

Despite being so very weak, you managed to move your hand to Spencers.  He looked down at it and grabbed it tightly.  His eyes averted to the cuts and burns scars that ran up your arms. You smiled softly, as warm salty tears rolled down your cheeks.  You tried to stayed awake but it was no use, your eyes slowly closed and everything went dark. 

"No, no, no Y/n wake up! P-please wake up" Spencer sobbed. You were still breathing but your breathing was laboured, and faint. He stayed with you as you were rushed into hospital, and he stayed by your bed after surgery. In fact he stayed with you the whole time.

You woke up four days later in the hospital. Spencer was by your side holding your hand. When he saw your eyes flutter open, he gave a loud sigh of relief "Thank god. I was so scared you would never wake up". he said softly giving your hand a light squeeze. 

You however had no idea what was going on, the beeping behind you irritated you, the bright lights hurt your head, his talking added to the stress. Suddenly the past few months felt like a blur. You weren't sure what was real and what was a dream. You felt anxious and scared, your brain wasn't piecing everything together. 

Suddenly you felt your breathing pick up, as you heart began to beat faster and faster, so did the beeping from behind you.  You looked around the room frantically trying to find an escape, but when you tried to climb out of bed you felt Spencer hands hold you down. 

"G-Get o-off m-me" you stuttered, Spencer tried to calm you down but none of the word made sense in your head. You couldn't breathe, to make things worse was when the doctors and nurses rushed into your room, so much was happening around you making it even harder for you to calm down.  You looked at Spencer who had been pulled back by a nurse. Meanwhile, another nurse put an oxygen mask over your head, and a voice telling you to breathe, but if you could breathe you would! 

You reached your hand out to Spencer, you needed him, you wanted him.  He stepped forwards, and out of the nurses grasp, then grabbed your hand.

"Y/n can you hear me? I need you to focus on my voice. Can you do that for me?".  he asked, you nodded, but your attention was quickly diverted to the rushing doctors and nurses around you.
"No don't look at them, look at me, focus on me and my voice" Spencer gently rested his hand on your chin and moved your head back round to look at him. Then he began talking, you had no idea what he was talking about but you were mainly focusing on the tone. Slowly but surely your breathing began to slow down.