I love you Dr Reid {S.R X Reader}✔︎

20. I'm just scared

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of attempted suicide

As the weeks went by you became increasingly more anxious, pregnancy was scary enough without the constant fear that you might get murdered and the fear that you wouldn't be at all prepared for when the baby arrived. You didn't have clothes, or a crib, or toys. You didn't have a nursery or had you been to any classes that taught you about giving birth and baby aftercare. Yes JJ had given you the run down and Spencer was happy to recite you word by word every baby manual he had ever read in his entire life, which was a strange amount of books apparently. What annoyed you more was he seemed to be staying relatively calm about the whole thing! You couldn't stand that, you couldn't stand that he wasn't freaking out too, he should have been! But at the same time if he was freaking out you would be annoyed at him too, so basically you were just annoyed at him for generally existing right now!

Being stuck in a house all day and night wasn't good for anyone's mental health, the only thing keeping you all sane was each others company, but you were beginning to get annoyed at each other, just like a normal family. You were all having fun and laughing together or at each others throats for something completely ridiculous. There was no in between.

The morning you were alone in your bedroom, the door was open and you had your forehead pressed against the wall. You had woken up from a nap, began over thinking everything, sending you into full panic mode. Your heart rate picked up your breathing rate sped up, and now you were trying not to have a full blown panic attack. The stress wasn't good or safe for the baby. You stood there panting when Derek walked past, he slowed down and walked backward to check on you. When he saw you panting he immediately thought you were in labour because he had no idea how pregnancy worked. Quickly he ran into the room, and rested his hand on your back.

"Hey kid you ok? Are you having contractions? Should I get Spencer?" he asked panicked

"No, I'm not- I'm not in labour- I'm trying to stop a panic attack" you panted, Derek calmed down for a second but then realise what you had just said and he immediately became concerned again.

"D-do you need me to get Spencer?"

"No I just- I just need to calm down" you gasped shakily, he gently rested his hands on your shoulder

"Why don't you take a seat on the bed" Derek suggested, you nodded as you began to feel lightheaded. Derek guided you over to the bed and helped you sit down.
"What's up kid?"

"I'm just scared" you replied shakily
"I- I don't know how to do this... Me and Spencer are meant to be going to parenting classes and decorating a nursery for the baby and we aren't doing any of that because we're stuck here and what if I give birth here, I don't want to do that and-" tears flooded your eyes.

"Kid, slow down. Listen to me you are going to be fine... I know the current situation is unconventional and I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant but I'm sure it's terrifying but you are one of the strongest people I've ever met and you're gonna get through this"

"I'm not strong" you mumbled

"Yes you are... I watched you fight Tom Holloway when you felt like giving up and you continued to fight after that and-"

"You're wrong" you snapped
"Do you know what I did when I got home from the hospital after that?" you asked Derek, he shook his head, and tilted it to the side.
"I tried to kill myself" tears streamed down your cheek and your bottom lip trembled. Derek sat there in shock staring at you
"The only reason I'm here is because Spencer found me just before I could do it. But... I was ready to go... I wanted to... That's not strong, that's giving up" Derek continued to stare he was trying to wrap his head around what you had just told him.
"For fuck sake Derek say something!" you snapped

"Sorry... I just... I didn't know... Kid-" Derek was lost for words
"You are strong... Giving up doesn't make you weak... but also you didn't- I mean you tried but you were stopped and you're still here. I think that makes you one of the strongest people I've ever met. You continue to save lives and make people smile even though you've been through hell." Tears pricked Dereks eyes "Have you ever thought about doing it again?"

"Not in the same way... I mean the first few months after, it popped into my head frequently but since then not really... But when I was kidnapped by Dwight Holloway there was a point near the end where I thought 'please just kill me, get it over and done with'... But I promised Spencer I wouldn't give up like that again" you replied, your voice was shaky

"Who else knows?" Derek asked

"Just you and Spencer"

"Why'd you tell me?"

"I don't know... Maybe I wanted you to know... No one else knows, I don't know how to tell people" You explained quietly

"You're telling me" Derek pointed out

"I'm just sick of people telling me I'm strong when they don't know everything. It pisses me off" you replied wiping tears from your eyes

"Well now that I know, I can still say with certainty that you're strong... and b-being scared is part of being human. My dad used to tell me this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, and he used to make sure I knew it off by heart. The quote is 'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.'"

"Geez Spencer Reid who? You dead ass just told me that whole ass quote" You asked jokily, then sniffing.

"My point is kid, is that it's ok to be scared but just know is that you're not alone... I know maybe before when you tried to... tried to kill yourself you probably felt alone but you weren't then and you aren't now. This team is a family and I promise you we will help you and Spencer through this." Derek pulled you in for a hug, and kissed the top of your head. Feeling your emotions get the best of you, you began to sob onto him, he held you tightly, letting you sob on him, he didn't let go or complain, he just held you, not saying anything. Once you finally pulled away, he looked up at you and wiped the tears from your cheeks.
"I'm here for you kid, always and forever... Also maybe you should try to open up about it to the team, as you should know none of them would judge but I think you would feel a little better telling them" Derek winked and left the room.

You laid back on the bed thinking with your hands resting on your stomach. Derek was right of course, you weren't alone you had the whole team. Hotch and JJ were parents so they knew a lot about it. Spencer had read a lot of books about babies and giving birth so he was full of knowledge. As for telling the team about the past you did want to, it was a secret that both you and Spencer had kept and even though you had promised him you would never do it again, you could tell part of him would always be scared perhaps instead of carrying that burden alone it would be easier to share it.

AUTHORS NOTE: You may say this chapter was a little pointless but I put it there to show that Y/N was still close with the team, even through I spend most of the time writing about her and Spencer. Also like it's sad but it's lowkey cute, like Derek being there for his friend and also I feel like this secret needed to come out, at this point it has been years since the event but it's always going to be a dark time for both Y/N and Spencer, it's also going to help with the plot anyway TWO MORE CHAPTERS TO GO!