my favorite color • reddie

d a l a w a m p u ' t t a l t o

Eddie laid in his bed staring at his closet door.

"Jesus, Eddie, I love you."

Replayed in his head non stop. It was stuck on a constant loop that Eddie wanted to end.

The guilt of not saying it back weighed so heavy on him. Every time those words popped into Eddie's head he wanted to cry, he knew what it was like to tell someone he loves them and have them not say it back. He knew exactly how Richie was feeling and he felt horrible for putting that on him.

Eddie loved him too.

And hurting the one boy on this planet that truly loved him, tormented him.

Had it been someone else, he probably wouldn't have felt so betrayed. Eddie had grown so numb to being hidden and denied that if some other boy had done this, he wouldn't have been so surprised. But this was Richie Toizer.

And Richie Tozier was not just some other boy.

It's been a while since Eddie left his room. He'd go to school and head straight back to his bed. Richie stopped showing up days before and Eddie couldn't help but notice. Sure, he was angry but he still cared about him and wondered if he was okay. He'd had his own regrets about the way he handled the situation and felt that maybe he had said or done something to really hurt Richie.

Before this Eddie thought he knew heartbreak. He thought he knew what it was like to have his heart be mistreated and played with, he truly felt that he was immune to any pain any boy could have inflicted. Until now. 

This was different. This wasn't a boy he just liked, this was a heartbreak provoked by someone he had truly fallen in love with. Eddie put all his trust in Richie. He was so sure that Richie would never intentionally hurt him.

None of his past heartbreaks had ever left him bed ridden. Eddie hated feeling this way, a part of him felt so stupid being this distraught over a boy. All he wanted to do was lay under his covers and cry. Their argument was constantly on a loop in his head and it became tiring. Every time he thought about it he felt worse and worse about the way he reacted, how he made Richie feel.

"Eddie!" Sonia yelled, aggressively turning the handle. "What did I tell you about locking your door?"

He sighed, sniffing and pushing his covers away. He unlocked the door and opened it to see his mother with a laundry basket.

"What's wrong with you, Eddie-Bear?" She asked.

Tears slipped down Eddie's cheeks.

"Are you crying over that Richie boy?" She titled her head.

Eddie nodded, hoping she'd be there for him.

He was wrong.

"That boy doesn't love you." She laughed softly, walking toward Eddie's bed, setting the laundry basket down.

Her smile looked so sweet and comforting, but nothing that came out of it was.

"He does." Eddie sniffed.

"What makes you so sure?" She placed his clothes on his bed.

"He told me."

Sonia shook her head.

"Your's and that boy's heart are deeply mistaken." She sighed.

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows im confusion.

"I can see color, he's my soulmate, Mom. Your shirts blue and-and my bed's green." Eddie turned to look at his comforter, realizing it wasn't green. It was black.

"Eddie-Bear, I've told you, you don't actually feel this way. You don't actually love that boy." Her voice was so gentle, yet it didn't match with what she was saying. That was the tone that should've been accompanied with support and love. But it never was.

"How are you going tell me how I feel? I love him, Mom, I know I do. There's no 'mistake.'" Eddie raised his voice.

"This isn't natural Eddie, it's just not right." Sonia argued. "A man should be with a woman, it's the way things have always been."

"Says who?" Eddie cried. "We're both just people at the end of the day, what's so wrong with me loving another person?"

"It's wrong when that other person is a man. You could have any girl you want but you chose to be with a man. Eddie, it breaks my heart knowing you've made yourself into a sinful whore. Don't you think it hurts me to know my son's going to burn in hell." Sonia snapped.

"Wha-"

"You think I don't know about boys like you? I know you went all around San Francisco kneeling in front of every man that came near you." Sonia spat.

Eddie's anger softened into sadness.

"I-I didn't, I've never-"

"I'm not blind, I know you slept with all those boys back in San Francisco. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? To know my son's a whore."

"Mom, I-I'm not, you know I'm not. I never even leave my room." Sonia's always assumed and believed the worst about Eddie. Half of the time he didn't know how she ended up with all these conclusions. It still hurt to know that she would believe anything she heard about him.

"Just, put your clothes away, I can't have this conversation with you again." Sonia dropped one of Eddie's socks and walked out of his room, slamming the door shut.