KOTLC Oneshots

6. Babe...don't panic but...

HUMAN AU

"Pleeeeeaaaassssseeee????? Edaline made it for BOTH of us!" 

Sophie hissed at her husband. "Never..." rolling into a corner with the mallowmelt, Sophie protected it like a wild animal. So I tried a different tactic.

With a smirk, I crawled over to my wife. And kissed her. She made a little squeak of surprise at first but immediately sank into the kiss.  Sophie loosened her hold on her-OUR-mallowmelt to sink in more. 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, SNATC-

"Ha. You really thought I'd fall for that?" Sophie asked, smirking. Hey! Smirking's my thing!

Sophie pushed me away playfully with her hand on The Hair. I reached over like a toddler wanting candy. Probably because that's my mental maturity. And what I was basically doing.

Sophie giggled and ruffled my hair to annoy me, but then she gasped and stopped. 

"Sophie?" I asked.

Silence.

"Sophie," I repeated, "what's going on with my hair."

I heard her take a deep breath, "Babe...don't panic but..."

"Sophie, please just tell me what happened!" I pleaded.

"IFOUNDAGREYHAIRINYOURHAIR!!!" she cried.

"Excuse me?" I cried, "It's THE Hair-WAIT GREY!?!?!"

I sprinted to the mirror and saw what she was talking about. 

And I did the only reasonable reaction.

Try to yank it out, scream, and cry.

💚👴💚👴💚👴💚👴💚👴💚

"How's he holding up?" Biana asked over our FaceTime call.

Instead of replying, I turned my phone to where Keefe was standing. 

"What is lifeeeeeeee?" I heard him wail, "What's the poinnnnnnnntttt? We're just ants marching in a line waiting to be stepped on! I'm too young to be a grandpaaaaaaaaaa! The HAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRR!!!!!" I heard some buckets clatter to the ground, "WHY IS EVERYTHING COLOURFUL EXCEPT THE HAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRRR!?!??!?!?!?!?"

I turned the camera back to my face. "That's how," I replied grimacing, "How's Tam?" I asked, curious.

Biana giggled. "He's actually in the same boat as Keefe."

She turned her camera to point to Tam. What I saw I almost couldn't comprehend. He was standing by their window in his usual all-black attire, but facing a picture of his black silver-tipped hair. Dead roses and candles surrounded the picture, and he had a ribbon across the frame saying "Rest In Peace, Superior Hair". It almost looked like he was having a funeral for his hair.

Biana turned the camera back to herself. "He found one grey hair amongst his hair."

I giggled in confusion. "Wait-isn't part of his hair already silver/grey?"

Biana nodded with a face like she was trying not to laugh, then she shrugged. Her face lit up like she had an idea. "Sophie! Now our husbands can be old together!"

When she said that, both of our husbands ran to the cameras. "I'm not old!" they yelled simultaneously at Biana and me.

"Though he's old." They both said pointing at each other. They both scowled at each other. 

"Shut up, Funkyhair."

"No one cares, bangs boy!"

"UNO REVERSE CARD!"

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE BANGS!"

"TALK TO THE HAND!"

"I'M SORRY? WHICH ONE'S YOUR HAND? ALL OF YOU LOOKS QUITE LIKE A FAT AS-"

"YOUR MOM'S FAT!"

"JOKES ON YOU! I DON'T LOVE MY MOM!" Keefe took a deep breath. "Also stop saying dead things, idiot!"

Tam hissed at him. Legit hissed. 

Then silence. 

"*ahem* So I'll see you at the annual FeDex smooch-fest barbeque?"

"Yeah sure bro."

"See you then," and they both walked away.

Biana and I were watching this with so much confusion. "Um," she started, but then couldn't finish. We both started bursting out laughing, then went and kept on talking about our weird lives. 

💚👴😱💚👴😱💚👴😱💚👴😱💚

At the barbeque, apparently, it wasn't just Keefe and Tam with hair problems. Dex had been trying to calm Fitz down for a week after he found a bald spot, and Marella was now...bald???

She had little blond hair, and it was really short, due to accidentally setting her own hair on fire last night. The only reason Marella wasn't completely bald was because of Linh being beside her and awake. 

So there were the four of them, all complaining like toddlers to each other. Dex, Biana, Linh, and I were all keeping a safe distance from our crazy spouses. 

Slowly, we saw the four of them get up and go inside. After 2 hours, my sane friends sent me and Dex inside to go find them. 

When I found them, I couldn't really understand what was happening.

Tam was dying the top of his hair black and had a face mask on (that Fitz insisted was necessary for every manly-man like him to own.)

Keefe was bleaching his hair and had a face mask that matched Tam's.

Marella was sitting on the bathroom counter wearing a hot pink, long, wavy wig (that Dex later told us was for Halloween purposes) helping Fitz.

Helping him with what?

Oh, nothing.

Just slathering a mystery black substance on his bald spot.

Dex spoke first. "Babe...what are you doing? What is that?"

Fitz whipped his head around, walked over to Dex, and turned his head back. "Smell it."

Dex, against all common sense, obliged. "Crushed up...Oreos?"

Fitz nodded and pecked him on the cheek. 

Biana, who somehow managed to get drunk in the 10 minutes Dex and I were gone, ran to their front door and smashed into the window.

"ShIP It lIkE FeDeX!" 

I heard Linh sprint in, and Tam peaked his head out toward his wife. Linh froze when she reached us. 

"Marella...I'm just not gonna ask."

Chuckling, I went to help Linh peel Biana off the window.

How am I friends with these people again? 

K this wasn't really a set ship, but nobody asked for any. So I just did my OTP's. This was really my brain spitballing, but I enjoyed writing it. How was it? IDK what this was. I just had 3 free periods in a row (why do I work so fast in school?) so I was bored. Remember to comment what ship you want next!

Ciao Bellas, Bellinos, and all in between-os!