I'm Not Broken - TH

•8•

Every night, the nightmares come. They've gotten significantly worse since I left, I don't know why. Maybe a part of me feels guilty for leaving, or I got so use to the abuse that being out of it is sending me into a panic. Either way I am getting worse at night, and it's practically impossible to sleep like this.
I get out of the bed, throwing on a jacket and some shoes. It's definitely not a cute look with my blue pajamas but it's not like anyone's going to see me. I just need some fresh air.
Now I know, randomly getting out of bed to go outside at two in the morning may be an indicator of something going on, but I'd rather just ignore that and pretend I'm okay. It's what I've always done.
Stepping out the door, I start to walk around the outside of the house which is dimly lit by outdoor lights. I really didn't realize just how big this place truly is. The part that Tom and I are in is only about half of the building.
It's a little weird that he just turned 18 and is already starting to take ownership of whatever this business is. How does he manage to work on this and finish high school at the same time? I could barely keep up on my school work.
As I walk around, I see large double doors on the front of the building, and they start to open. I feel a little bit of panic set in, remembering what happened earlier when I ran into one of the employees. The last thing I want is a repeat of that.
A sigh of relief escapes my lips when the door opens, and I see Haz walking out.
"Chloe?" He says, walking down the steps, closer to me. "Why are you up? And outside?"
"Couldn't sleep." I shrug. "How'd you know I was out here?"
"Our security system said someone opened the door, just wanted to make sure it was one of you." He explains and I nod.
"Is everything okay?" He asks.
Haz and I never got as close as Tom and I, we just didn't mesh like that. Although Haz is still a sweetie pie, and now that he knows everything, maybe we can bond a little more.
"Not really." I shrug.
"Can I walk with you?" He asks.
"Yeah." I answer.
He steps inside for a second, grabbing a coat before walking back out and slipping it on. He looks me up and down, a small laugh escaping his lips.
"Nice pajamas." He teases.
"Hey! You're wearing pajamas too." I scoff.
"Correction. I'm wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt." He states and I roll my eyes.
"Same thing."
We walk down a pathway, and I'm now seeing parts of the house I didn't even know were here. Like an amazing garden that is definitely professionally done and taken care of. I look around, appreciating its beauty.
"So how did I not know about... all of this?" I ask.
"Because the last time we told people.. it backfired. Bad." He says and I lift my brow.
"How so?"
Haz smiles, stopping in his place to look at me.
"You're asking too many questions."
"And you're hiding too many answers." I mutter.
I look around at the giant house, shaking my head at the extravagant land they live on.
"There's a bigger story behind all of this." I say, gesturing to the area around me.
"Well there's a bigger story behind you too." He states. "Guess we both kept things from each other."
We sit down on a stone bench that looks out over a grassy hill. It's beautiful out here..
"I'll tell you a secret if you tell me one of yours." I suggest.
"Alright. You go first." He says.
"I had a brother, his name was David. He died when I was 13." I share my secret.
Haz looks to me, his eyes laced with concern and empathy. The only person I've told about David was Tom. We went to a different school in a different town, so no one even knows that David existed.
"Why don't you tell people this stuff?" He asks.
"Well, I honestly just like to pretend it's not real." I shrug. "If I don't think or talk about it, then I won't miss him as much."
"I'm sorry that happened to you.."
This is why I don't tell people, because I don't want the pity. It makes me feel weak. And at this point, I'm so fucking done with feeling weak.
"Alright. Your turn to share a secret." I push.
"I eat four spoons of sugar in my cereal." He says and I glare at him.
"That's not a secret!" I scold.
"Yes it is! No one knows that about me!" He laughs.
"Come on Haz! I gave you a good one." I frown.
"Fine, okay, let me think."
He sits back, looking up at the stars as he tries to think of a secret. I don't talk like this with Haz much, but I think I'm going to do it more often. I enjoy his company.
"I have one but you're going to make fun of me." He says shyly.
"I won't! I promise!" I encourage him, and he lets out an awkward laugh, avoiding eye contact.
"When we first met, you know at that school Halloween party?" He refreshes my memory.
"Yes with the awful caramel corn, go on." I giggle.
"Well.. I thought you were really cute, and I was going to try to ask you out, but when I worked up the courage to finally talk to you, you were already on the dance floor with Tom. Then I got too nervous." He says with a small laugh.
"What? I had no clue- you should have asked! I would have said yes!" I say and his eyes widen.
"Really?" He asks.
"Of course." I say.
"I was pretty dorky looking back then." He laughs and I smile.
"Which is just my type." I say.
I notice the change in our attitudes, maybe I shouldn't have said that.. that was a little weird.. now he's going to think I'm into him.
"I should get back to bed." I say.
"Goodnight Chloe." He smiles.
"Night Haz."
I walk back to the west wing of the house, stepping through the door into the warmth. I didn't realize how cold I was out there.
"Chloe?! Chloe!" I hear Tom yelling from the other room.
I quickly jog down the hallway, seeing Tom frantically looking in each room.
"Tom! I'm right here-"
"Oh my god." He breaths out, running over and pulling me into his arms tightly.
"What's going on? It's the middle of the night." I ask.
"Exactly! Why weren't you in bed?! You scared me to death I thought something happened!" He scolds.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep so I walked around the garden with Haz." I explain. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"Oh.. well you know you could have woke me up. I could have gone with you."
"It's okay, I just ran into him. We actually had fun." I admit, knowing how badly Tom always wanted Haz and I to get along. It's not that we didn't, we just never all three hung out very often outside of school.
"Well are you okay? What's going on?" He asks with concern.
"I'm alright Tom."
Even after trying to convince Tom I'm okay, he still insists on walking me to my room, and staying with me until I fall asleep. That's what I love about him. He knows exactly what I need without even being asked. He genuinely cares about my well being. He cares about my comfort and happiness.
I truly love Tom. With my whole heart. I never want to loose this boy.