Phantom Love

Chapter 13: Forrest

       When I get in the doorway to Raven's room I can't help but find myself captivated by the woman standing in front of me. She's turned to the side with one shoulder propped up against the window, looking out into the city below. The light plays off of her soft features that are shrouded in an emotion I can identify quickly as it's one I am familiar with. Longing shows clear in her ever feature. It lines her slightly pursed lips, resides in the sound of her deep and purposeful inhalations, and it's reflected in her eyes as she takes slow deliberate blinks to match her breathing. 

       I've never experienced perfection. I have spent my whole life trying to reach perfection by not only holding myself accountable, but also holding the people around me and the environment we live in at high standards. Every time I walk into a room I can't help but pick out the imperfections in every thing and situation I see. I've spent my whole life knowing that if I can see imperfections in everything around me then I myself must be imperfect in some way. Maybe it's why my birth parents left me in a human orphanage long ago, I was simply too imperfect in some make or break way. There was a beast inside of me, ready to break free. The only way to tame that part of me, I thought, was to block it out and shove it away. 

        Or at least that's what I thought until Raven literally popped into our lives. She is the first taste of true perfection I've ever had which is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. Exhilarating because for the first time in a long time I'm seeing that imperfection can be absolutely perfect. I consider the men on my team brothers. We all come from similar backgrounds and we all understand each other in ways other's couldn't. The past week though I've seen a different side of my brothers. Usually a day in the life of all of us means we are left to our own devices until dinner where we debrief and get ready for the next day. Once that's done Emerson disappears into his room once again, Drazik goes to the gym to oversee business as well as events, Leandre would always be working, Kieran would be off at a club or bar gathering both information and women, and I'd be either here or at the office. 

        I hadn't realized that we'd grown apart until we came together again. She brought us together in a way we had been lacking for what seems like years. For a while I had lost the forest for the trees in my attempt to gain perfection and I regret it. With this captivating woman living here my brothers are around for every meal if they can be and even Leandre has cut back on some shifts since she came to us. All of the guys still have their regular duties, including me, but now those duties are no longer consuming us like they once did. 

       Yeah you're the only one being consumed now, asshole. The critic that seems to live inside my head pipes up. You pushed her too hard in training and because of you she passed out and had to re-live all those horrible things. 

       I sigh and hang my head slightly. I need to make this right and apologize for my own stupidity. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to teach her what she needs to know to survive that I ignored her own needs and instead projected all of my fear onto her. It was unfair of me to do and Drazik was right to rip me a new one after the fact. 

        I reach up and knock on the door frame and brace myself for the full impact of Raven's gaze. Some deep part of me stirs, calling me towards the beautiful creature in front of me. Like I've done from the first moment I saw her, I fight it, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable than she probably already is with me. She brings her shoulders back and juts out her chin before marching over to me. 

       "I will not break up your team." She says in a matter of fact manner that doesn't quite hide the pain in her eyes, "So if you want nothing to do with me tell me now because I won't come between you and members of your team if you're not willing to join in on our love fest."