meet me in the hallway |h.s|

42 | bestie

nobody knows you, the way that I know you
look in my eyes, I will never desert you

• • •

i think you're gonna hate me for this one, so i apologise in advance

• • •

   Harry was on tour again, and I was wondering if he ever gets a break. It's only been a month and a half now, and the only thing that's been keeping me distracted is writing.

   Whenever I feel down and in need to see him, I write, thinking about him since the book's about him. Well, it's more like the feelings I have towards him. I write them through the main character to try and understand them.

   Since I spoke to Zayn about the L-word, that word has been the only thing that's named in my book now. To be honest, it has always been, I just ignored it and used it as my personal journal for when I felt scared of it.

   Love.

   What is love actually?

   I even searched it up on Google because I was overthinking a lot. It had two descriptions and I don't know how to feel about them.

   Love — an intense feeling of deep affection and great interest and pleasure in something.

   According to Google I never loved someone. I mean, I've never felt that before, that deep affection.

   I thought I was in love before, but it was all based on a lie. And once I discovered the truth, I realized that I never loved them.

   Jacob took my virginity based on a stupid bet. Everyone at high school loved him because he was one of the nice guys but in reality, he was just like the others.

   Yes, I had a few of my happy moments with him, but I only loved the fact that he was actually talking to me. I never thought a guy would approach me, I had my insecurities — I still have them.

   Karl on the other hand... I only loved the feeling of being with him, nothing else. I was loving the fact that after everything with the bet, someone still wanted to talk to me.

   Everything had to do with my insecurities, nothing about the real feeling of love.

   Now, what is love for me?

   I haven't found it out yet but... what if what I have with Harry is love?

   Even Zayn thinks that. I don't know what Karen would say about this though. This is the only thing I'm not certain about her. It feels so weird to not know though.

   Love. Love. Love.

   What the fuck is it? Because now it's just annoying the shit out of me, even though I'm also scared to find out.

   What if it hurts? What if it's not good?

   I might have read books about it, but it's not the same. That love is fictional. It's not real and that's why fictional love is always good. The books I've read always had happy endings... but what if my book doesn't? What if I end up regretting everything I did with Harry?

   We came so far. We're intimate now, and we can always talk about stuff. I know that at one point, I might end up giving in for sure and we're gonna end up having sex — the ultimate step to our intimacy.

   I sigh, letting myself fall backwards on my bed. Fuck, I hate this. I hate not knowing and being scared constantly, and my overthinking is only giving me headaches.