Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: Lies and Other Necessities

Title: Lies and Other Necessities

Author: yo_face_slimmy

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4.5/5

I actually really love your summary! I think it's perfect for the story you have – it introduced the protagonist, the relevant backstory, the current conflict and hints at how that past is probably going to be coming back into the story. It's written in a very cohesive and engaging manner – very straight to the point, but also written in a very hooking way. Well done! I absolutely loved the title reference at the end. I'm itching to read!

I do think that the end was just framed a bit strangely? "Something she is sworn to secrecy over so say nothing but lies and other necessities." Maybe put a comma before 'so say', or perhaps rephrase it somehow? I think it's just a little awkward to read.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your grammar and punctuation was pretty polished! There was never a moment where I had to stop reading due to fluency, and all the mistakes I picked up were very subtle. Nonetheless, let's go through them.

All the errors were regarding dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Uh huh, but if you wanna go skinny dipping, I'm not opposing the idea." Logan says, closing the car doors and handing me a bag.

It should be:

"Uh huh, but if you wanna go skinny dipping, I'm not opposing the idea," Logan says, closing the car doors and handing me a bag.

Similarly, if it's an action beat, instead of:

"I was hoping it wouldn't," I smile at him, feeling my heart swell within my chest.

It should be:

"I was hoping it wouldn't." I smile at him, feeling my heart swell within my chest.

And what about a question? Basically, if it's followed by a dialogue tag, the words following it aren't capitalised. If it's an action beat, they are. So, for example:

"Are you thinking about me meeting your parents tonight?" He asks, nibbling on a spot beneath my ear.

Since 'he asks' is a dialogue tag, it should be:

"Are you thinking about me meeting your parents tonight?" he asks, nibbling on a spot beneath my ear.

Characterisation: 5/5

Evie makes such a great protagonist! She has a strong voice, and it's hard not to instantly sympathise with her. It works very well because the whole story is about the way she grows – we see her call herself things, like a liar, and constantly thinking about the past. However, we also see all the good Logan brings out of her – even though she considers herself a 'liar', when he confronts her about the anti-depressants and asks who Matteo is, she is nothing but honest with him because she cares about him and she's growing as a person. That's just so inspiring to see, so well done!

And speaking of Logan, wow, he is so sweet – kind, caring, charming and handsome. He goes to the pharmacist for her, doesn't push topics he knows she isn't ready to talk about, and is super considerate and listens. They make such a cute couple to follow because of how fun and sweet their banter is – he'll tease her, she'll threaten to kick him where the sun don't shine. It's cute!

Overall, it's very easy to fall in love with these characters, so really well done!

Writing Style: 4/5

I don't have much to say here really, because your writing is honestly great – it's all from the voice of Evie, and it's engaging, human and real. The writing itself is gripping, and you just have some stunning moment of literary devices – even in the subtle repetition throughout the story, or the constant juxtaposition that kickstarts the story as you compare honest Logan with Matteo who is always pulling her into a position where he has to lie.

There were only a few times where I felt the writing got a bit awkward and 'telling', but they were minor and barely noticeable. Here is an example:

"It's just so hard... I'm.. I'm really trying but—it's physically hurting me and I can't," I say in a croaky voice, already beginning to cry.

First of all, we need three periods (...) after the "I'm", and second of all, the 'already beginning to cry' felt a bit too awkward and sudden. It's easy to tell she's upset, but just the crying felt sudden – maybe give us a few more cues in that moment? What does it feel like to cry? Maybe describe it instead. Would she feel a knot in her throat? Tears burning in her eyes? Show it to us instead of telling us.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I have to say, your story is instantly gripping. You don't wait and dance around it, you get straight into the crux and main theme of the story. Nonetheless, you still do tease us a little – you talk all about Matteo, how she lost him, how she felt dazed and broken and forever scarred with a horrible memory, but then avoid telling us exactly what happen straight away. Very clever! It really keeps the reader needing to know more.

Speaking of that past, wow. My heart hurt – with her assisting his death by providing the pills. Just the idea of her wandering alone, calling his name, was haunting and so heartbreaking to read.

Nonetheless, can I just say, I love the column she writes and how it expresses some really significant themes in your story – how important it is to be strong as well as weak, and about how it feels to be in the middle of who you are and who you want to be. I think it's a really important message in general for all readers about how it's okay to be confused and it's okay to cry because that's part of growth. Really inspiring, not just for the character herself, but for the reader!

And okay, so the ending. I loved that they have that service where people come to pay their respects to Matteo, and we see Evie become brave enough to speak about it – it's like the peak of her growth, and it's just uplifting.

But then... what? That end? I had to reread it like, twice, with her seeing Matteo and him turning around and Logan seeing him too. It was definitely a shocking end, if that's what you're going for, and I'm almost itching to know more! It definitely felt very ominous and kind of strange, because we had all this closure and then suddenly he's back again? It was definitely a startling end, and while I can say it feels unfinished, I suspect that was your intention – if so, well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 22/25

Overall, an inspiring short story but with some very baffling moments throughout it! I encourage you to work on your punctuation within dialogue, but otherwise, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!