Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Lina: Bright Eyes

Title: Bright Eyes

Author: _lazarein

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

Overall I think the summary works really well. You're introducing the characters in stereotypes, but it's intentional, so I think it gets the point across. The hint of the supernatural/mythological/whatever is going on is nicely done to intrigue the reader but not give too much away.

The one thing I would say is that the opening could use some work. "The world they once knew is no longer what they know now." That's fairly clunky. You could lose the "now" at the end, but that still feels a bit clunky. Something li,e "The world they once knew is gone," might pack a bigger punch. Something to consider.

Then the first line is a bit odd, mostly because this boarding school is probably the only one in Oregon, let alone a small town. Small towns in America rarely have boarding schools. Some of the bigger cities do, but overall boarding schools in America are fairly rare. A better opening might be, "Welcome to Ravenwood Academy, the only boarding school in Oregon, located in the small town of Waltervere."

Grammar: 4.5/5

Overall, you remained in past tense well, but there were just a few slips here and there, a few per chapter. Nothing major but something you might want to keep an eye on, particularly when using the word "can" instead of "could." It would be something an editor could spot for you really easily as well once your story is ready for that! Some examples from chapter one: "As he said, and he still believed, he can handle this." It should be, "... he *could* handle this." "There were just some girls he can't stand, some girls he can't commit to. And when he decides to move on and break things off, they go berserk." It should be, "There were just some girls he *couldn't* stand, some girls he *couldn't* commit to. And when he *decided* to move on and break things off, they *went* berserk."

Other than that there were little mistakes, and the writing was easy to read!

Character Building: 3.5/5

There are a lot of characters to track here. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but there are definitely some characters that are popping more than others, and that has a lot to do with the amount of time you're spending with each and what you're doing with that time.

Lyn is the most well fleshed-out character. She has a secret, which most of them seem to, but hers seems the most prevalent. She has pain and a lot of issues in her life, but she also clearly wants to connect with others, and that's relatable. The time you spend in her POV, you're really getting into her head, and that works really well.

Sanders is working well also. He's mostly defined by the fact that he's a victim of bullying. So I would just suggest trying to give him a little bit more to define him. What does he like (besides Talya)? What are his interests? Was he always bullied or is this a new thing? How does he really feel about having new friends? You're hinting at these things and mentioning here and there, but it's pretty distanced and, to be frank, a bit cliched with him. You've shown with Lyn that you have the ability to dive deeper. And I think you can easily do that with Sanders.

Jack and Max seem similar in mood. One is a jock and the other a musician, but in terms of how they read on the page, their attitudes and personalities, they're blending together. Again, more specificity and more time within their heads when we're in their POVs would go a long way. We are not getting nearly as internal with these two as we are with Lyn and Sanders.