Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Faye: Collide

Title: Collide

Author: Selveyet

Reviewer: Fayesther

Blurb (4/5)

I like the amount of information that you put into the blurb. You managed to communicate the themes and mood of your story well and I liked that you included an excerpt of your writing.

I'm not sure about the line that is written in two different ways at the start- it makes you look unsure as a writer. I think choosing one would be a better choice. "A story in which two fractured stars collide" is the better line in my opinion. It packs a punch and ties in perfectly with your title.

Writing Style (3/5)

You have a very immersive style of writing. I felt as if I was watching everything I read in my mind like a film. You managed to bring this well-known wizarding world to life. I especially liked how you integrated the magic within the story's lore. You made the use of spells almost mundane in a way, which living everyday amongst such things would make it be just a simple part of life. This was cleverly and naturally put across within every chapter.

This story being told in first person works really well. Reading about Hogwarts from a new character's perspective was eye opening and fun. It was also the best way to introduce your reader to your main character, as you show her inner monologue and thought processes fluidly throughout.

I found the use of italics inconsistent within your writing. Using italics to express inflection is fine, but make sure not to use it too much as it becomes distracting. Some sentences here and there were clumsily written and their meaning was not clear.

Also, when writing prose, it's better to steer clear from using abbreviations and colloquialisms. Using slang within speech works fine, but when it's part of the narration it just comes across as spelling mistakes.

I loved the structure of your story. Especially moments such as when Faith wakes up in her new dorm; breaking up the action and Faith's thoughts with the ticking of the clock was incredibly effective. There was a number of well thought out structures like this throughout, which were a joy to read.

I would also like to quickly add, your use of swear words within this story were used tactfully and fit the characters that said them well. I never found the use of this language out of place.

Characterisation (5/5)

Your characterisation was spot on. You brought great moments of character exposition throughout your story. The way you delved into Faith's backstory and thought processes made me instantly connect with her. I felt I knew her really well throughout the story. She was consistently portrayed, this showed that you had a clear and organised concept of who she is. It's always important for a writer to know their characters inside out.

Faith is innocent, and so likable. I understood immediately why Sirius was drawn to her. She also had flaws, which you expressed really well – she has incredibly low self-esteem and is guilty of self-deprecation. At times I found myself getting annoyed by her, but that's not a bad thing within your writing. You inspired deep emotions within me towards your creation and I only want the gest for her and for her to finally understand her worth. I also liked how you integrated some mystery within her character too, like her magical abilities, this worked really well to keep me hooked.

The chemistry between Faith and Sirius was second to none! It was not at all forced or unnatural. It moved authentically, with ups and downs, insecurities were exposed as well as fun and true friendship.

Giving your characters various quirks was a cool idea. Like Faith keeping her wand behind her ear and the Marauders having personal gestures that match their animal

You brought a really good variety of personalities. Consistently portrayed with no overlaps. I always knew who was who throughout reading. Every character had strengths and weaknesses according to Faith's perspective, the "Trio" were really well portrayed. I hated them. They did not deserve Faith's loyalty, I hope she learns to completely let them go eventually.

I appreciated that the friendships were not as black and white as the Harry Potter books can be. Faith had enemies in Gryffindor (her house) and a friend in Slytherin.

I also loved that Sirius gives everybody that he likes nicknames – teachers as well as students. Finding out Faith's given nickname was a lovely moment! It was certainly a name that fit her, it also showed how affectionate Sirius is towards her!

Plot (4/5)

The plot of your story was really engaging. Bringing relatable troubles into a fantastical setting was a really good idea. This story explores the themes of bullying and friendship in an authentic way.

Faith dealing with her past was really interesting. The set up to her social situation was very well planned out and communicated clearly. Coming out of a toxic clique, after being subjugated to both emotional and physical abuse, to becoming friends with the Marauders was an interesting storyline to go down. This story was full of scenes that were heart rendering. The fact that coming out of that clique caused her to, in effect, to feel like she became the "new kid" was a very clever trope to put across. This effectively gave the reader the chance to get to know her surroundings well – without starting your story at year 1 with 11 year olds.

I really liked Faith's first encounter with the Marauders. It was simple but effective. You caught the boys' characters well and Faith fit amongst them like a glove.

The story moved in a good pace. You kept the excitement going from the very start. I liked how the various cliques within the student body interacted and the energy that you displayed through their antics.

The paper aeroplane exchange was a nice moment. I liked that Faith was not simpering, she called him out instead, this was much more satisfying to read. I also liked the fact that Faith was open to make friends from Slytherin.

Faith singing "I'm still standing" by Elton John doesn't work in my opinion, for that song was released in 1983 and Harry was born in 1980. Therefore this story should be set in the 70s. There were a few moments within the book where the era that this story should be set was overlooked.

The pace of your story was perfect and your set ups for cliff-hangers at the end of the chapters were well thought out and engaging.

I loved the chapters written from Sirius' perspective. They captured who I (a Harry Potter fan) know Sirius to be really well.

Overall:

An incredibly engaging story that explores its themes effectively. Your characterisation was brilliant and the chemistry between the characters was written so authentically. I think you would benefit from revising your writing here and there to iron out any confusing sentences, however the majority of your writing is clear. Aspects within your chosen fan-fiction setting were well researched and expressed well. Only the time era that the story should be set was overlooked. I loved the connection between Faith and those who care about her, which are many in reality. I hope that later in the story she'll see that herself and thrive.

I don't usually read fan-fictions, this story was a breath of fresh air and certainly showed me the positive side to this genre.

Thank you so much for asking me to review your incredibly deep story! I hope you found my feedback helpful.