Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: Lost Eden

Title: Lost Eden

Author: Bluelovesleep

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary has intrigued me! I think you've introduced your concept really well, and I think that the breakdown of the world you have and the context is handled really well – it's not too long, but it's still easy to understand and cohesive the whole way throughout. I'm really intrigued by these Hunters, by these creatures, and I'm instantly picturing a setting.

I did, however, think that final paragraph where you narrow in on your characters felt a bit odd to read. I think you've introduced them and their backstory well, but then it becomes vague – they make their way to many places? Which places? How? And wouldn't you want to use more powerful verbs, such as 'escape'? And this Isis person just seems so random – how is she the key? What is this lost paradise which you haven't mentioned before at all? Is that the society of individuals? And how could she be the reason of destruction?

I like how dramatic you are with that final line, but it falls a little flat because it feels very sudden.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar was pretty good! However, there were a few errors I caught that could use polishing, and some of these errors were consistently present in your chapters. Let's go through them, shall we?

First of all, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"It's like he became one of them"

That needs the be followed by a full-stop, so it should look like:

"It's like he became one of them."

Another example:

"You need to stop thinking about it." Krista said.

That should be:

"You need to stop thinking about it," Krista said.

Next, let's talk about tenses – you tend to flicker back and forth between past and present tense. For example:

The borders had been closed for almost twelve years. Only Hunters are allowed to leave the country for work purposes.

If we break it down:

The borders had been closed for almost twelve years. [had been = past tense]

Only Hunters are allowed to leave the country for work purposes. [are = present tense]

If you want to be in past tenses, it needs to be 'Only Hunters were allowed', or if you want to be in present tense, it needs to be, 'the borders have been closed for'.

Next, watch out for plural vs singular forms. For example:

On that same day, an organised groups of people...

You've said 'an', indicating that it is one, but then you say 'groups'. It should be either "on that same day, organised groups of people..." or "on that same day, an organised group of people..."