Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Joanna: Dandelion

Title: Dandelion

Author: bored_mama

Reviewer: joanna388

Cover/Blurb: (6/10)

I really like your cover! It's eye-catching and gives me this sort of mysterious vibe that makes me want to click on your book and start reading!

I think it might be better if you add a bit more information in your blurb though. You can write a little more about her or the situation she will find herself in. Just be careful not to spoil anything to your readers!

Also, you seem to have trouble discerning between past and present tense, I recommend you edit that and check a little more on the grammar as well.

Intro: (4/5)

Prologue aside, you start with a bang! And I like it!

It's refreshing, reading a book that doesn't start passively, or with the whole 'alarm blares, gets up; mirror, mirror on the wall, there goes the description about how she/he looks'. Don't get me wrong, I think that can play out well, too, but an active start like yours can captivate a reader a lot faster. You want them to commit, so you need to sell it from the get-go.

Still, you might want to edit it a little. Both tense and grammar wise. That's what kept me from a full 5/5 to be honest. I'll elaborate a little more in grammar.

Plot/ Originality: (9/10)

I've read a lot of books about vampires; went through the whole phase and dug through wattpad for the next best thing, and most of them seem to work on the same baseline, like following a guideline. I was really happy to discover that your book wasn't quite like the rest. You've painted a new picture in my mind about our beloved vampires, and I must say I like your way of thinking.

It was really original in that sense, and was also what pulled me into your story the most.

Grammar/Punctuation: (8/20)

To start with, there's no need for speech marks when she's thinking.

'What a dream...' she thinks.

It can just be: What a dream... she thinks.

I've noticed that you tend to use way too many commas when you don't really need to, while also not using them when needed. It might help if you read it out loud after you're done writing a chapter and see where you pause and where not, it actually really helps!

Ex.

They first met at the bakery, that Anne works as a part-timer and both of them quickly struck a conversation.

The comma here makes your readers pause without having to. Ultimately, it just messes with the fluency of your book. There's also an 'at' missing after 'works'.

Ex.

Anne loves reading especially supernatural fiction.

There should be a pause here; therefore a comma is missing after 'reading'.

You also seem to have trouble discerning between past and present tense. You keep switching between the two, which messes with the overall flow of the book. I suggest you pick which one suits you best and stick to that.

Ex.

"Yes."

Saying Elisa turns around and leaves.