Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: The Fall of a King

Title: The Fall of a King

Author: DeBigLila

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I love your summary! It's written very professionally very dramatically, and I absolutely love the way you've introduced the two characters separately, and then move on to show how their lives intertwine. I think you've also done a very good job at showing the reader the conflict, the setting, and the stakes are hammered in very hard. The ending also is a great tease about what is to come, and I'm very excited to read.

I would only work on your fluency – there is some awkward phrasing in there. For example:

Kwami, his fated one was a young she-wolf...

Consider:

Kwami, his fated one, was a young she-wolf...

And:

...as tribute to a destiny, she had no idea she had and the former...

Consider:

...as tribute to a destiny she had no idea she had, and the former...

There are a few of those throughout your summary, so consider revising it to make sure it is clear.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty good! In the few short chapters uploaded, I did catch a few things however. Here are some I found:

He turned his heard and called for the...

I think you meant 'head' as opposed to heard.

She heard her little sisters voice in the background...

I realised you were talking about multiple sisters. In that case, it'll be multiple sisters, and multiple voices. It should be:

She heard her little sisters' voices in the background...

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Sure, Kathami." He said in a monotone.

It should be:

"Sure, Kathami," he said in a monotone.

Speaking of dialogue, what about if you've got one person speaking over multiple paragraphs? This is what you have:

"You will no longer roam this world as you are but shall shy away from the sun that will burn you and you shall thirst for the blood of your kind so no one will get close to you"

"Your body shall change into that of an unrecognisable beast with two pointy teeth that will elongate when stimulated, your nails shall become claws and your eyes shall change colour when the beast I have placed inside you is unleashed."

That is incorrect. First of all, you still need punctuation at the end of the first paragraph. Second of all, you do not need the closing inverted commas at the end of the first paragraph to indicate that the person is not done speaking. It should be:

"You will no longer roam this world as you are but shall shy away from the sun that will burn you and you shall thirst for the blood of your kind so no one will get close to you.

"Your body shall change into that of an unrecognisable beast with two pointy teeth that will elongate when stimulated, your nails shall become claws and your eyes shall change colour when the beast I have placed inside you is unleashed."

And watch out for your tenses. For example:

If Kaleb run fast, then she just...

'Run' is not used correctly – if you're writing in present tense, it should be 'runs', and if you're writing in past tense, it should be 'ran'.

Characterisation: 4/5

With only a few short chapters uploaded, it's hard to really get a grasp of where the characters are going to grow, but I do like that you make Kwami instantly easy to like simply because she stands out – no one accepts Kaleb except her, and she doesn't humiliate him even if he's a thorn in her heel when it comes to her success. She claims to be the worst werewolf warrior, which leaves so much room to grow her confidence and skills, and I love that despite that, she has these amazing sly abilities to cheat her way through.

In fact, the interactions feel very real and raw – especially the ones with herself and her mother. Well done! If there is something I would work on, it would be making sure you're showing more often than telling in a way that makes the characterisation leak through the writing. For example:

Kwami's body froze, unaware of how to react in such an unfamiliar situation.

The second part of that sentence is told to us, making it very awkward. Show it to us – perhaps she asks herself questions, perhaps she panics and her brain starts thinking of multiple things to do, or perhaps you can just say that her body froze and the reader will instantly be able to understand that she's unsure of what to do.

Writing Style: 4/5

The writing is very good! I especially love the fights, the way you show us the stench of death, the fangs clashing against the claws, the blood mixing with the sweat. You know how to make the reader cling on by using figurative language and engaging sentence structures, so really well done!

The only thing I'd watch out for is redundancy. For example:

The defeated king caught this and smiled, spitting blood out of his bloodied mouth he spoke, "good luck."

Aside from the 'good' needing to start with a capital letter, the repetition of the 'blood' makes the sentence a bit awkward – if he's spitting blood from his mouth, it's already inferred that it's bloody. Or if he's mouth is bloodied and he spits, we can infer that the spit is going to be bloody as it is.

Plot + Originality: [no score – not added to final score]

Overall, not much has happened yet! You've done a good job at setting up the story's worldbuilding, however, in a way that is still engaging and shows plot and action. Well done! The tale with the 'man' and the sun god was really intriguing, and the concept of the wolves and vampire war – while nothing completely unfamiliar – seems to be done in a very fresh way.

Best of luck with the rest of your story!

OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

Overall, a promising beginning! I would work on polishing your punctuation and tenses, but otherwise, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!