Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: Are You Crazy?

Title: Are You Crazy?

Author: JokeWasOnMe

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

Overall, a really intriguing summary! I think you've done a good job introducing the protagonist, instantly launching the reader into what the conflict is. I've decided not to really score the summary because it's not really a traditional summary, with the stakes and context involved. Rather, it feels like as short and snappy hook. Either way, it is pretty engaging, so well done!

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, pretty good and easy to follow. I caught a few errors here and there, that I'll briefly go through. I know I've written a few reviews for you so sorry if some of these sound repetitive or familiar!

First of all, when you've got a character speaking over multiple paragraphs, there's a specific way to format the quotation marks – at the end of the first paragraph, you do not include the quotation marks however, you still include them at the beginning of the new paragraph. For example, here is an incorrect excerpt from your story:

"I was with my brother at college."

"Everyone was panicking and going crazy but he kept me close and the first thing we did was race back to Texas."

It should be:

"I was with my brother at college.

"Everyone was panicking and going crazy but he kept me close and the first thing we did was race back to Texas."

Speaking of dialogue, when it is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Then yes" I replied.

It should be:

"Then yes," I replied.

And in these examples, if the dialogue tag is followed by a word that is not a proper noun, you don't capitalise it. For example:

"I'm sorry," The brunette said.

It should be:

"I'm sorry," the brunette said.

Next, semicolons! They're basically used to adjoin two independent clauses – that is, two clauses that could make sentences on their own. Here's an example from your work:

The sheer force of the bullets alone pushed the creature off of Eli; giving him just enough room for escape.

That's incorrect. Why? Because the 'giving him just enough room for escape' is not a sentence on its own. A comma there would suffice.

Also watch out for general errors, such as:

I didn't move and inch before quickly shutting my eyes once more as the gunshots briefly subsided and I was left in still silence again.

I think you meant 'an inch' instead.

Characterisation: 5/5

Wow, I don't have much to say here other than I just loved your characterisation and the way everyone interacts. Sage is instantly a compelling protagonist – hearing about the way Christian was attacked and the way she almost had to kill him, but just turned around and drove off because she couldn't really makes the heart reach out for her. In fact, the whole story felt like we were watching her grow hope in a time of despair – she lost her reason before the story even started, but she finds a reason to survive.

And we see that in subtle moments; throughout the story, there are some funny, melancholic moments of humanity and nostalgia, like even though she's been through a blast, she goes on a slight tangent about how she once wrote an essay about revenge, and, by the way, that teacher was bitch. Those moments catch the reader off-guard but they're so engaging!

The interactions are just wonderful to follow – like when there was that blast and her right ear was injured, it's so sweet seeing the way Eli really worries and acts like a sort of doctor and shows that care that eventually makes her develop too. Really well done here!

Writing Style: 4/5

I loved the writing in this! Nothing felt forced or clunky or awkward. The writing had lots of feeling, lots of showing instead of telling, and was engaging throughout. Even in that moment where they find the motel and just her instinct tells her something is wrong – instead of it being sudden and stilted, you showed it to us by talking about the cold feeling in her stomach. I loved moments like those.

The only thing I'd suggest watching out for is repetitive sentence structures. Sometimes, because all the sentences start the same in a row, it becomes a bit robotic and clunky to read. For example, here are the beginnings of sentences from your story, all in a row:

I quickly found...

I worked without making a...

I matched each gun...

I made several trips...

It becomes really awkward sounding when all the sentences in a row start the same – I [verb] [the rest]. I recommend making sure you switch it up so you don't have a repetitive and noticeable structure in a certain paragraph.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

The start of your story is like nothing I've seen before and I adore it – with Sage nearly killing herself, showing backstory of the world, and then being interrupted by the gunshots. I do wish we learnt more about the protagonist in that chapter alone, however, as it was hard to know what to picture – female/male? Age?

Then the story becomes about hope! We have that therapy session once she meets two human companions, Eli and Charles, and even though she wants to take her life, even though she just met these people, she does think about them before she tries to pull that trigger in one of the attempts (before being interrupted again), which immediately shows more progress.

There were some nice moments of foreshadowing and tension – like when they went to the inner-city and see the peculiar, translucent egg sacks, followed by Eli seeing Kalien tied up and basically being tortured. Those moments were so powerful - it added intrigue, a sense of, 'uh oh, things are going to get worse', but also show a lot of compassion within the characters. Even when they're using violence – literally burning down the Triads settlement – they do it in a way with a purpose that makes you support them. They make an impact.

And wow at the attack near the motel, with those humanoid creatures (the white ones with the lipless mouths and shark teeth) giving us a scare by making us think Eli is infected and really making our hearts break. Luckily, he's not! And the ending really reinforces the development we see throughout the story – she goes from being a lone wolf with no purpose to someone who is ready to show hope and kindness, offering a ride to strangers in a truck. What a beautiful way to wrap up the story, and the year for me.

OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

Overall, a really great read that's even inspiring as much as it is thrilling. Well done! Make sure you fix up your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!