Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: Ethereal

Title: Ethereal

Author: MileAgo

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

I think it's quite clever and creative to have the folktale itself scattered within the summary, and then show us how that links to the character. In fact, your summary is quite promising – intrdocing the protagonist and hinting at the lore to come. The lore itself is enchanting and gripping, and is told in a way that feels quite mystical.

However, I wish the second half – the actual part about the story – was fleshed out. It feels a little too staggered and stilted right now. How does she found out she may have accidentally killed a friend's fiancé? How does that tie into the lore? How does she find herself living in that lore itself? It feels very sudden and abrupt with little cohesion. What are the stakes? What is the goal? What will she had to do? Try answering these questions to show a more clear path that the story will take.

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, while your story was easy to read, I definitely think you could work on your grammar a bit. Let's talk about a few examples.

First of all, when you have dialogue spoken by multiple people, you need to ensure each line of dialogue is on a new line when a new character is speaking. For example:

Her grandmother moved forward and took the laptop from her hands. She shut it from the top and placed it at the table in front of her. "Humera." Giving up, Humera shrugged and looked at her with a bored expression. "Yes?" "How will you pay for Bilal's hospital bill. Knowing you're the one who's paying, he used expensive treatment."

It should be:

Her grandmother moved forward and took the laptop from her hands. She shut it from the top and placed it at the table in front of her. "Humera."

Giving up, Humera shrugged and looked at her with a bored expression. "Yes?"

"How will you pay for Bilal's hospital bill? Knowing you're the one who's paying, he used expensive treatment."

Also, I changed a full-stop to a question mark as a question was asked in that last line of dialogue. Speaking of questions, when dialogue ends with a question mark or an exclamation mark, the dialogue tag following it is still treated as part of that sentene – meaning you don't capitalise it. For example:

"Hmm?" She replied, her mouth full of omelette.

It should be:

"Hmm?" she replied, her mouth full of omelette.

Also, watch out for basic errors – like making sure you're capitalising the start of proper nouns. This includes names, such as:

Mahreen begum was setting the table for breakfast when Humera came down.

It should be:

Mahreen Begum was setting the table for breakfast when Humera came down.

Also, watch out for commas. I suggest reading your story aloud to see where pauses are required for fluency and making sure there is adequate punctuation. For example:

It was whispered among the locals that Addylin Russel, Sovereign Magnus Russell VII's sister was dethroned due to her sinister purposes which reckoned serious harm to the region.