Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: Elyren

Title: Elyren

Author: vinwintergreen

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: [not scored, will not be included in final score]

I have decided not to score this, simply because it's not really a traditional summary that contains the characters, conflict, stakes and setting. However, I do really enjoy this summary – it's very distinct! It feels very much like a biography written about someone, from the perspective of a friend, and it's written in a very eloquent and intriguing manner.

I'm really excited to read! Well done.

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar is very good! There were only a few small errors that I found throughout your story, and they were very minimal. Let's go through them quickly.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I have heard your magics are the blessings of Lady Threla." Solere asked Savii, and the magician nodded.

It should be:

"I have heard your magics are the blessings of Lady Threla," Solere asked Savii, and the magician nodded.

And one more thing: when you say something like 'my mum' or 'my dad', you don't need to capitalise mum or dad. However, when you're just saying 'mum' or 'dad', then it needs to be capitalised because it is being used as a proper noun. For example:

"What will I do when the whole world is against me, mother?"

It should be:

"What will I do when the whole world is against me, Mother?"

Characterisation: 5/5

The narrator, Varta, is awesome. I really like that he acknowledges that he's not entirely reliable; like when he mentions that there are six stories of the same event (prophet claims and such), and goes with the most 'accepted' version. It makes him feel more real, and makes you like them more. I thinkt he fourth wall breaks are not at all tacky, and we learn about how they're not just some random narrator over time; rather, they're the reason Elyren lives and dies, saving him once but not twice.

Despite all of the story literally being told to us as opposed to shown (stylistically), it's done in a way that characters make sense – we do understand Elyren's sorrow when he mourns for Solere, and we can sympathise with the way he blames himself. Even when he... mourns the cannibals (not for the fact they're cannibals, of course!), we can see he is a unique and eccentric character who is worth a series of biographies.

So, overall, well done!

Writing Style: 4/5

It was actually hard to talk about this? Because naturally, I want to say that there is a lot of telling, but because of the nature of the story and the fact that it is rather old-fashioned stylistically and it is a biography, it just works so well and it just fits perfectly. So great job!

Your world is really cool, too? I love the descriptions of the pilgrimage, I love all the histories with The Lady of the Night, the temples, and just the overall lore in general – and how it's all squeezed into this little set. I can totally see you making an encyclopedia about it, that's how rich it is!

Overall, though, the writing is very good and not at all short of descriptive and unique imagery; I love the way you showed destiny/fate maiming love as if they were the waves angry at the sand, thrusting their countless hands at the chaste sand which prevails. Those sentences are so gripping, and makes the symbolism very heavy and clear throughout the story.

There were some moments when you were recounting events that you stepped into the story more, and I think you should use those opportunities to do more showing instead of telling. For example:

Threla was saddened. She bent her knees, hugging her son as he wept.

How about, instead of telling us that she is 'saddened', show it to us – make us see her face in the moment, see her movement and expressions and understand what she's feeling while you are placed in the midst of taking us back into that moment?

Plot + Originality: 5/5

The prologue was an effective way to introduce the context – it's a historic document, there are lords and ladies and war. There is a bit of context as to who Elyren is – born a noble, doomed child, we learn about his sister, his father, and even get a glimpse of the deities in this world you've built We see magic and how it works in your world, and how it's taken a turn with less magicians surviving.

I also love how philosophical it gets, too! Some people die in their own paths, but some are shaped by fate and destiny; that notion is constantly present in your writings. Then you talk about how people from the stories had died and why, and link it back to destiny and fate, bitter foes of love.

The ending was super engaging too! I loved seeing Varta gradually get more and more involved, not just as a side character telling the story but someone heavily involved with, well, a spear in his chest, literally being told to die, to be resurrected in another place. It kept twisting and turning despite being a biography, and I have no negative remark really; well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 18/20

Overall, very stylistic and different, but a very enjoyable read! Just make sure you brush up on those small grammar things and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps!