Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Epilogue

'Well if you can't get on with her, don't bother coming back any time soon. Ruth has been nothing but good and kind and patient with you two, and all she gets back is a crap load of insults and dirty looks! How can you treat her like that? You've known her her whole life!'

I stroked Olivia's dark hair draping over my lap with frustratingly unsteady hands. Her little head lay on my thigh, eyes burning into the doll in her hand in an attempt to ignore the commotion developing around her. I was smoothing her curls behind her ear like Mama used to do for me, but her shoulders remained stiff. If only there was something I could say - or do - to reach out to her. How is it possible that I give speeches and lead seminars and write whole books full of words for a living, and yet, I manage to draw a blank beside my own daughter? Hunter would have known exactly what to say: he was a much better parent than me: but just then he was preoccupied by yelling at his own parents over the phone.
               'Mummy?' Olivia asked timidly after a moment, in that sweet, husky voice I will always swoon over. Hunter stormed upstairs and shut our bedroom door behind him, presumably so he could use words that no five year old should hear their father use.
'Yes, bambina?' I said.
'Why is Daddy so angry? Daddy never gets angry.'
'I-it's hard to explain.' I exhaled gently and pulled her upright to face me. 'Daddy's not angry, Olivia, he's upset. You see, Nanny and Grandad don't really like Mummy. They think I'm...odd.'
'What does odd mean?'
'Odd means...strange. A, a bit funny.' and I pulled a face. Olivia giggled, reaching out to touch it. Then she tried to copy my expression, which melted my heart into a million pieces and splattered a big smile onto my face.
'Why do Nanny and Grandad think you're 'odd', Mummy?'
               The smile faded a bit.
'Er, because, well, I am!' Olivia raised her left eyebrow, just like Hunter does when I don't make sense. 'I am a bit odd, bambina. I'm different - and there's nothing wrong with that. But, Nanny and Grandad don't like that I'm different to other people, which is why they don't visit very often.'
'That's naughty of them.' Olivia grumbled, glancing up at me to check she had the right end of the stick. I laughed.
'No, bambina, they're not naughty. They just aren't used to me yet! Sometimes people take a bit longer to like other people, that's all.'
'But Daddy said you two were friends as kids. He said Nanny and Grandad have known you your whole life! How much longer do they need to like you?'
               I had to stare at my child for a second, just to double-check she really was only five years old.
'Um, er,' I stammered, 'well, I-I wasn't - Mummy wasn't odd, as a child. I was...normal.'

I hate that word.

Olivia kept her questioning, narrowed eyes on me for a little while longer, and then, thankfully, averted them back to her doll.
               'Do Nanny and Grandad think I'm odd?' she asked, biting her lip. 'Am I different too?'
'Oh, Olivia. Everyone's different! If everyone was the same, the world would be a very boring place. Imagine if everyone in your class all had the same hair, the same face, the same toys, the same bag, the same talents, the same everything! Wouldn't that be boring?'
               Olivia tilted her head in thought for a moment, then nodded. I continued, 'But no, Nanny and Grandad don't think you're odd, or strange. They love you very much. They know you are perfect.'
'Then why do they think you're odd, Mummy? Daddy says I'm just like you! He saided yesterday that I look like you and laugh like you.'
'Oh, er, er...'
               I pursed my lips to calm the stuttering for a second, before attempting to plan my next sentence. My daughter was so full of curiosity, so full of questions, but surely she wasn't old enough to hear the answers yet? Surely she was still too young to understand that her mother has a complex and amaranthine mental disorder? Or that sometimes the mother she looks up to and depends on isn't even her mother at all, but someone else: be that a Yankee Christian, a German doctor or someone who doesn't even know that Olivia Salieri Brookes exists! How the hell can you explain all that to a child who barely knows the difference between their nose and my thumb? And yet, I so badly wanted to tell her everything...
               But no, I couldn't. Not yet. She was just a kid. A sweet, naïve, innocent young child, with an optimism I couldn't take away. The world is a dark place, but five year olds shouldn't know that. I was her mother. It was my responsibility to hold back the darkness until Olivia had the life tools to push it away herself. I know I'm not perfect, or 'normal', or even particularly easy to interact with, and every now and then I am bound to let a second of the world's darkness slip past me and scare my daughter, but I also know that if I am meant for one thing in my life, it is to raise a child so compassionate, so considerate, so caring, that someone with eleven personalities can't make her raise that eyebrow. I wanted to raise my own Hunter, to save a life someday like my husband saved mine.
               'Mummy? Mummy! You're not listening! Why do Nanny and Grandad think you're odd I said!'
'I'm sorry, bambina.' I said, returning to the situation. I smiled down at my child. 'Er, they just - they think - they just don't like me, okay? And when Nanny and Grandad aren't very nice to Mummy, Daddy gets a bit upset.'
'Because it's not fair?'
'Y-yeah.' I pulled Olivia into my chest for a cuddle. 'Exactly, Olivia. It's not fair. So Daddy is trying to tell Nanny and Grandad that they should be nicer.'
'That's good.'
               Olivia focused back on her doll, with her head still resting on my chest, and after a content few moments said, 'I don't think you're odd, Mummy. I love you.'
'Oh!' My eyes started to sting. 'Th-thank you, bambina. I love you too.' and I kissed her temple.
'And we love Daddy!' she added more loudly when Hunter re-entered the living room. He looked stressed and slightly pale, but as handsome and young as ever, with his neatly styled hair and shimmering green eyes. We both smiled over at him, and watched as the exasperation of dealing with bigoted family members faded from his face.
'Why thank you, Liv. I love you both too!'
               Hunter slumped down on the sofa beside me and put his arm around my shoulder. I looked at him uneasily, as if to say, 'I guess your parents aren't coming for Christmas this year then?' His expression replied, 'Hell no. They aren't welcome as long as they have a four foot stick up their arseholes.' I blinked slowly back at him, meaning, 'We can discuss this fun topic later, once Olivia's in bed.' and my husband sighed an apologetic smile. (Seven years of marriage and having a child together will give two people a serious talent for reading each other's facial expressions.) Neither of us ever imagined that Hunter's parents - people who have known me from birth - would cut us off because of my condition. I may blame myself most of the time, and apologise constantly to Hunter for dividing him from his parents, but deep down I know it's their fault and not mine.
               Olivia giggled at something her doll had said and suddenly both of our faces changed. Hunter smiled, I smiled, and everything felt warm and safe and perfect again.

'So.' Hunter said as we climbed into bed that night. The sheets were cold on our skin so we cuddled up close to each other, already falling asleep. I yawned. 'Should we talk about earlier, now?'
'Nope.' I said decidedly.
'No?'
'No.' I moved to look up at him, and smiled. 'There's always something stressful we need to talk about, whether it's your parents, or the bills, or work, but I don't want to talk about any of that stuff tonight. I'm happy, Hunter - you know that, right? I'm really, really, really happy. I'm happy with you, my lovely gorgeous husband, I'm happy with our lovely gorgeous daughter, I'm happy with our house and our jobs and everything we have: but even if we had nothing, and it was just the three of us, I'd still be content. I love you.'
'Where's all this coming from?' Hunter asked, smiling too.
'I just want you to know how happy you've made me! You should know I appreciate you, and everything you've done for me and Liv.'
'Okay. Thank you. And, amore mio, I'm really really really happy too.' He put his hand on the back of my head and kissed me. 'I'm the luckiest, happiest, most in-love man alive.'