Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 14

'Her pen ran out.' I whispered, using a smile to hold back my tears. 'She's really gone.'
               Dr Westone sighed, and was about to take the note back from me when another knock sounded at the door.
'Who's that?'
'Ah. That is someone you'll want to see.' Dr Westone said. He stood up to let them in. As soon as the doorknob turned, Andy was in the room, windswept and crazy-eyed.
'You're Dr Westone?'
'Yes sir, nice to meet you.' They shook hands. Westone then stood aside to reveal the man's little sister, bouncing frantically on her toes.
'What are you doing here, Andy? Is Hunter okay?' I asked.
'What? Oh, yeah he's fine. I'm here for you, Ruth.'
               Andy gave me a big hug, then held my head in his hands. 'Are you alright?' he asked me. He was never sincere like this. He glanced over my face, then quickly down at my wrists. I gulped, a little insulted.
'I will be.' I sniffed. 'I-It's Salieri -'
'I know, I know. Nurse what's-her-face told me on the phone. Are you alright, though? Seriously?'
'I'm shaken up, Andy, but I'm fine.' He gave me another hug.
'Oh Ruth, I'm so glad you're okay. When they called I thought something had happened to you -'
'I just dissociated. Nothing bad happened.'
'Who was it?'
'Emilia.'
'Ah, good.' Andy glanced at Dr Westone, who was folding Salieri's suicide note up and putting it on his desk.
               'Did you tell Hunter about this?' I asked my brother.
'No. I thought we could go and see him together.'
'What?'
               I looked between the two men, speechless. 'What!? I can leave?'
'Ruth,' Westone said, straightening up and looking me dead in the eye, 'in light of everything that's happened, I don't think it's good for you to stay here. Three more days would do you more damage than good. You should be with your family, and I believe you are healthy enough to cope out in the world again.'
'Yes, yes yes!' I screeched happily. 'Thank you Dr Westone, you will not regret this!' Andy was smiling broadly too. I gave my therapist a big hug, not caring that he was very uncomfortable with the gesture (and probably relieved to have a witness).
'Although, Ruth, you know how this works. You need an evaluation from an external psychiatrist first, and if all goes well, it will still be tomorrow before we can release you.'
'That's okay, one day is way better than three! Thank you, Westone, so much.'

Walking back to my room, I felt guilty for rejoicing so easily after Salieri's death. It was indecent, and heartless of me, but even as I realised I couldn't help but smile. I was leaving. I was getting free. Salieri wanted that for me.

Andy stayed to help me pack up my things, and took some back to Hunter's flat that afternoon. Then, tomorrow, when all the papers were signed and filed, I would walk out those reception doors and be free.
               'Is this yours?' Andy held up a t-shirt with 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made' printed on the front.
'Charity's technically, but yes.' I said. He tossed it to me and I put it in my suitcase. I was sitting on Salieri's bed, partly because it was closer to the wardrobe and partly because it made me feel close to her, one last time.
               But then I began to think. Perhaps leaving this place wasn't really such a good idea - you see, I didn't want to forget the little details of Salieri's life that I only knew from sharing a room with her: such as the way she made her bed perfectly every morning, and the alphabetical order in which she stacked her books on the floor, the way she left her pyjamas folded up under her pillow to 'preserve their heat until bedtime', and the way she hung up all of her clothes according to size and not function. All of these little things, which made Salieri who she was, would be lost the second her father came into this room and packed it all up.
               'This?' Andy held up a bra at arm's length with two fingers.
'No. Salieri's.' I wanted to laugh at his troubled face, but saying her name was too painful to mix with cheer.
'Ah. Good.'
               'Going somewhere?' came a sudden voice from my doorway. Andy and I looked up to see Ava, the sociopathic gang leader who gave me a black eye last month, leaning against my door with far too much skin on display.
'What do you want, Ava.' I sighed. Andy tried to stay camouflaged, but he definitely noticed her. I don't know why: she was ugly. I understand the whole 'every woman is beautiful in her own way' thing, but I feel like that phrase should end with 'unless her personality is so rotten that there is no beauty to be seen in her'. Just my humble opinion.
               Without responding, Ava strutted into the room and over to the single wardrobe.
'Hi.' Andy tried as she pushed past him and pulled out a box. 'Can I help you?'
'Back off.' she spat. Andy's smirk faded as he joined me on the safe side of the room.
               Ava rummaged around in the wardrobe for a little while longer, before moving onto Salieri's bedside table.
'Hey, Ava. Stop it.' I said. 'That's Salieri's stuff.'
'Piss off.'
'No! Get off her stuff, she's not even cold yet -'
'Salieri was dead the second she came into this room.' Ava stood up and blew some hair out of her face. I had stepped toward her in anger before: now I was retreating to my brother like a frightened cat. 'You've killed two roommates so far, Ruth. I'd better not stay in here too long!'
'Get out then.' I said. At first I let the murder accusation fall right off my shoulders, but when I heard her vicious words properly, my heart burned within my chest. 'Wait, what? I didn't kill anyone.'
'Right.' Ava laughed. 'Two women died in this room within a month of living with you. But I'm sure it's all coincidence.'
'Shut up.' I warned. Andy put a hand on my shoulder.
'Ruth, just ignore her.'
               'So where is it?' Ava asked impatiently. She crossed her arms and tapped her muddy shoe against Salieri's white rug.
'Where's what.'
'Salieri's diary, duh?'
'Why do you want that?' I stepped forward again, my cheeks heating up. 'It belongs to Salieri. It's private.'
'Oh get real! Every time someone kills themself we have a...ceremony, of sorts.' Ava smiled smugly, her eyes still glaring at me. 'So where is it?'
'I won't let you read her diary.' I said.
'You want to break the tradition?'
'What tradition are you even talking about?'
'I read her diary to everyone. It's the least amount of shame she deserves for killing herself.'
               My jaw dropped, gobsmacked. Andy was too.
'You're kidding, right?' he asked. 'You can't expose her like that! It's cruel. She's dead, have some respect.'
'I'd show some respect if she didn't take the coward's way out. Now give it to me, bitch.'
'No.' I balled my fists, not budging this time when Ava stepped closer and sized me up. She was taller than me, and wiry, but I was used to a more powerful form of intimidation. She had nothing on the six foot, 200 pound, 40 year old Bertie I had once cowered beneath. She had nothing on a dirty fighter like Hailey or Blaze.
               Ava stood over me for a long time. Andy could see our moods clashing - I was bereaved, whereas she was plain contentious - so he stepped in.
'Ladies, let's not behave like savages here. Ava, is it? Just back off.'
'When I get the diary.' Ava replied, finally turning back to Salieri's side of the room. She lifted her mattress but it wasn't there either. Salieri's best quality was originality: she wouldn't leave something so personal in the typical hiding places. She always wanted to be different to everyone else. Now that she's with the stars, maybe she is.
               Ava searched for a minute more before giving up. 'I'll be back.' she warned, collecting a few now unowned possessions of Salieri's in her arms and sashaying out. I think she winked at Andy.
               'Blimey. Is that what it's like here?' Andy exhaled once the door was closed behind her.
'Not always. I tend to stay away from people like her.'
'Salieri did too. What was it she quoted to you once? Y'know, about women? They're intimidating or somming?'
'Ladies in bunches always filled me with vague apprehension and a firm desire to be elsewhere.' - To Kill a Mockingbird. Not bad, eh?'
'Lame.'
'But, Hailey, you asked!'
'Still lame.'
               'Ruth, you still there?' Andy peered down at me to regain my attention. I nodded. 'Is that the girl that hit you?'
'Yeah.' I said, gently touching the eye which had once been swollen and black. It was pretty much healed now. I'd thought it horrendously painful, until I saw Hunter lying in that hospital bed last week and realised that one bruised eye wasn't much to whinge about.
'Ruth,' Andy said, 'I'm so sorry. You don't deserve -'
'I do. I deserve much worse. I should have been there for Salieri. I could have stopped her, at least talked some sense into her -'
'Do you really believe you could have done any more for her?' Andy stopped my hands from packing by taking them in his. 'Ruth, look at me. There's nothing else you could have done.'
'I, I, I -'
'There's nothing! You always do this - you look for reasons to hate yourself! Stop it. Salieri obviously had some very serious mental issues, so she found a way out. It wasn't smart, it wasn't fair on you, but it's done. Stop letting morons like Ava get in your head.'

So, I did.

Simple as that. My alters and I stopped catering to my nagging anxieties and just moved on with life. Life is like a bus ride: you can choose when to get on and off. If you miss it, you miss it - but you'll be one of those bitter 80 year olds sitting in a care home with no family, no fulfilment and nothing to reminisce on. So don't miss it. I spent 22 years of my life getting on and off the bus at every single stop, but now I'm all in for the ride. I'm on this bus to the edge of the world, regardless of who sits beside me, the price I have to pay for my ticket, or how many times the engine breaks down. And to be able to say that, feels amazing.

'Do you want me to tell Hunter about all this?' Andy asked later on, before he left. 'I'm gonna stop by the hospital on my way home -'
'No, don't tell him.' I quickly said. Andy was carrying my suitcase down the stairs for me, as he insisted, although I didn't have many possessions here so it hardly weighed much. 'Don't tell him anything. I want to surprise him when I get out tomorrow.'
'What about Mama? And everyone else? They're not exactly nearby -'
'I-I, I don't know. This is all so sudden.' I sighed. 'I want to surprise them, but...it's hard. I can't ask you to drive me down there -'
'Ruth, I'd love to. You know I like the drive. If you want I'll pick you up tomorrow, take you to Hunter and then we can all go down to Southampton, together.'
'That sounds wonderful, Andy! But - can Hunter leave the hospital yet?'
'Not sure. I'll figure something out.'
               Andy smiled and gave me a big hug when we reached the doors before reception that I couldn't pass through.
               'I love you, sis.'
'I love you too. Thanks for coming when I needed you.'
'Always.' Andy gave my hand one last squeeze and left the hospital. Then, just before the doors shut he turned back and called, 'Tomorrow!'
'Tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow.'