Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 19

'Don't dissociate, don't dissociate, don't don't don't.'

The room was silent. I had to lower my head and wonder if Jodie had really said what I heard. When I looked back up, fortunately, I saw that everyone else was also gaping and gawping at the young lady. Jodie, on the other hand, was standing with her chest puffed out and chin tilted towards the sky.
               'Oh, did I not tell you which prison I work in?' she asked Andy. Silence followed.
               'Hi, I'm Sofia, Andy's mother -'
'Mama, not now.' I hissed as she stuck out her hand to Jodie. I didn't trust or like this girl one bit, and I couldn't relax near her even with Hunter's arm around me. I slid out of his grasp and stood up. 'So, you know Mike?'
'Called it!' Hailey sang.
'Ssh!'
'I-I,' Jodie put her hands up, 'I work at the prison. I'm his psychologist. Sorry, I didn't mean to shock you.' She looked at Andy for reassurance as she spoke, but he offered her none. His jaw was shut tight and his eyes dark.
               'I need some air.' and I fled the room. I was half expecting to see a nurse from the psychiatric hospital waiting for me outside the door, but there was no one. No one was tracking me anymore. No one cared.

I got all the way to the car park before I heard my name being called. Unsure of where to go next, I shivered away from a lamppost and into the dark evening.
               'Ruth!' It got louder. 'RUTH.'
'What, Hunter?' I growled, glancing behind me for a second.
'That's not Hunter.'
'How could it be?'
'Oh. Mama. What do you want?'
'Look, stop walking away from me! I'm too old to be chasing you down the street in the cold, Ruth.'
'So go back inside.' was what I wanted to say, but I figured it was a bit too early on to start picking fights with the people who cared about me. I obeyed my mother and stood still.
'Thank you.' Mama sighed. 'Now, talk to me. I know what Jodie just said is shocking, but why did you run away?'
'I needed some air.' I said.
'No, you needed to escape. That's different. Ruth, you've just spent four months of your life learning how to deal with situations like this - don't put all that to waste! Come back inside, and show us what you're made of.'
               Mama turned to go inside.
'Mama.'
'Mm?'
'What if I'm not ready?' I asked. She turned back.
'Sorry?'
'What if I'm not ready to be out of the hospital yet? It seems like fate wants to keep me inside one! Why can't I just be normal, and reliable, a-and calm? What if I mess up again, or try to hurt myself?'
               Mama paused for a long time. What could she say? I don't think 'normal' people can possibly understand how much toil and turmoil it takes for me to walk back into such a sticky situation. People like me are always expecting to be dumped at any moment, or replaced or rejected. Jodie posed such a threat to me already, so to find out that she also knew the ins and outs of Mike's brain, and no doubt believed all of his sob stories, was all the more petrifying. This was supposed to be a feel-good night for me. Everything was supposed to be wonderful. Now there was this one, huge problem staring me in the face and everything felt like it had shattered to pieces all over again. In that moment, despite my mother's presence, I felt like a hopeless, helpless, wounded little child again, crying out for help but receiving none.
               'Mama,' I continued to croak, 'what if Hunter leaves me for someone better, like Jodie? What if -'
'Don't even think like that, Ruth.' Mama stepped closer and dried a tear from my cheek. 'You mean the world to Hunter. And you are ready to be out of the hospital, because you love yourself now. You are STRONG! You will figure this out.'
               I looked up at my mother and caught her contagious smile.
'Thanks, Mama.' I could eventually force out. 'Thanks. I-I really thought I was going to mess up there. I, I still think I might.'
'Bambina, you couldn't mess up if you tried.' she replied. 'Every reaction you have is natural. And I know you are doing your best all day, every day, to not let things bother you when they do. I can't even imagine how much of a constant battle that must be! But just remember that everyone in that room up there loves you, and I for one am so thrilled that you are home and healthy. We know you've got a lot going on, and we want to help. So come back inside, bambina, it's freezing out here!'
               Mama wrapped her shawl around both of our quivering shoulders, dried the emotional tears from my eyes and together, we crept back into the warm hospital.

'Ruth!' Hunter called when I re-entered the room. Andy and Jodie weren't there. 'Are you alright?'
'I'm fine.' I said, sliding back into his open arms and letting him warm me up. 'Sorry, for, you know, running off.'
'It's okay, amore mio. I'm just glad you're alright. Andy and Jodie will be back soon. They just went to have a talk.'
               I squeezed my eyes shut.
'It's starting.' I whispered.
'What is?'
'This. The drama, the fighting, all of it. It's all starting again, because of me.'
               Hunter looked at me disapprovingly. I couldn't stand to look back at him: being the drama-stirring worm that I was.
'Hey, Grandma? Mrs Harris? Can I have a minute alone with Ruth please?' Mama nodded at us knowingly and helped Grandma out of the room.
               'Why did you do that?' I asked.
'Because I need to talk some sense into you.' Hunter said, with surprising force. 'You blame yourself for everything, Ruth. And I'm sorry to say it, but everything is just a little too much for you to bear on your own. Would you please, please, please, just stop it? Whatever's going on with Jodie and Andy right now is not your fault - he should have told us before that Jodie works in the prison, and she shouldn't have blurted it out the second she met you. Okay? You have every right to freak out - hell I'm freaking out!'
'You...you didn't know?' I glanced at him then back at my shoes.
'That Andy's girlfriend happens to work in the prison with your abusive ex-boyfriend? No, they chose to keep that little detail from me. In fact, I'm not even sure Andy knew until tonight. So please, Ruth, understand this: none of this is your fault. You didn't pick what prison Mike went to, or where a woman you've only just met works!'
'Well, when you put it like that...'
'Ruth, I-I don't know how many more of these talks we can have.' Hunter sighed to his lap.
'What?' I asked, panicked.
'I don't know how many more times I can tell you the same thing over and over and over. It seems like every time I see you I have to tell you that life happens, and it's not your fault.'
'Are - are you giving up on me?'
'What!? No!' Hunter lifted my chin to face him. 'Ruth, I would never do that. I love you. But it's just, it's so frustrating that no matter how many times I tell you the same thing, the next day you're right back to doubting yourself and everyone around you again.'
'Because I've been hurt, Hunter.' I whined. All I wanted to do was shrink to the size of a pea and roll onto the floor, where nobody could talk to me or criticise me or even speak another word. I wanted to bottle up everything I needed to say. Yet, somehow the words started flowing out of me like Niagara Falls.
               '....and I know Westone kept telling me not to do this over-doubting thing, but you have no idea how it feels. You have no idea how it feels to be terrified every waking minute of your life that everyone you love is just waiting for a chance to ditch you, or that you look mad and people can hear the voices in your head, or that everyone else can see something about you that you don't want to see in yourself! Don't you ever think that maybe you're not the first person to tell me you love me, Hunter? Don't you know that I've had plenty of other people make promises they couldn't keep, and tell me things that weren't true, just to have sex with me or abuse me and dump me the next day? I'm not used to a genuine person like you yet. And, i-it's not that I compare you to Mike - I try not to. Really. But it's hard not to see similarities sometimes, and I hate that I do. I hate that sometimes I think you're going to do the same things he did, and, and when someone like Jodie comes along and reminds me that Mike's still out there...'
               I trailed off when I saw the darkness in Hunter's eyes. He looked away from me. His hand slid off my shoulder. 'I-I'm just scared, Hunter.'
'I'm not like Mike.' was all he said, almost silently, a few minutes later.
'I know.'
'No, you don't. And I'm scared, because I'm starting to think you never will.'