Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 7

'Thanks for being here.' I whispered to Hunter, who was sitting on the chair behind me, angled toward the fireplace. He was watching the flames with unblinking eyes.
'Sure.' he murmured back. He wasn't angry with me anymore, or even upset. He was just, distant. It felt like he'd taken a page out of my book, and was now pushing me away in an attempt to prevent his heart from breaking again. Suicide doesn't just effect the person trying to die, you know.
               I let a few more, silent seconds go by before I turned around in my chair again and said,
'Hunter, I'm sorry -'
'Am I interrupting anything?' Sarah interrupted as she walked into Mama's living room. I tried not to roll my eyes.
'Sarah is nice. Sarah is nice. Sarah is on my side. Like her, Ruth.'
'No.' I said. 'Thanks for coming.'
'No problem at all! I should be thanking you for seeing me. I know you never really liked our one-to-one sessions.'
'True.'
'Hence why we begged Hunter to stay with her this morning.'
'Very true.'
'They coulda helped you. Maybe if you'd went once in a while, you wouldn't of stuck glass in ya leg.'
               Sarah sat down on the chair opposite me, and rested a notebook and pen on one knee. She ignored the tension in the air along with Hunter's indifference to her arrival.
'So how come you wanted to see me, Ruth?' she asked. Hunter continued watching the fire when I looked to him for encouragement. 'What's changed?'
'Is she trying to provoke me?'
'I tried to kill myself, Sarah. What do you think?'
               Hunter cleared his throat, meaning 'stop being so rude.' I closed my mouth.
'Well, then,' Sarah replied, 'I think now is as good a time as any to start our 1:1s back up. But I don't need any commitment from you right now, Ruth. Why don't we just see how today goes, and then you can let me know if you want this to become a weekly thing, okay?'
'Meaning you don't want to make me feel trapped, in case I dissociate into someone even crazier than myself? Or do something stupid, like stabbing glass into my leg?'
'I-I, I never said -'
'Stop it, Ruth.' Hunter said, finally looking over at me. 'We're just trying to help you, you know that.'
'Why? Why do you want to help me, Hunter? Sarah gets paid to do it, what's in it for you?' I suddenly shouted, surprising us all. Emotions are so strange - I barely knew which one I was feeling in that moment!
'What's in it for me!? How about knowing you're alive? How about knowing you aren't going to jam another piece of glass into your leg for us all to watch you bleed out all over the place?'
               As he shouted, Hunter involuntarily glanced down at Mama's carpet where there still lay a sickening stain of blood, thinning out into splatters of crimson as it neared the front door. There were some people coming tomorrow to replace it.
               Hunter sighed, rubbed his eyes, and continued, 'How can you ask me what my motives are, Ruth, when all I ever do is chase after you and take care of you? How can you - you know what, no. I'm not going over this again. Thank you Sarah for coming, because I can't stay in this house any longer. It's Ruth's turn to take some responsibility for what happened without having me around to blame.'
               With that, Hunter followed the blood trail out of the room, and slammed the front door behind him. Trembling, I watched him walk down the avenue, away from Mama's house and me, while Blaze smirked wickedly inside my head.

'How often do you and Hunter argue like that?' Sarah asked about three minutes later, once the room felt calm enough to poke me, the bear, again.
'It's not normally like that, when we argue.' I admitted. My heart was still beating hard. 'Normally it's me doing all the yelling, while Hunter just sits and wallows in it. Then he tells me he loves me and makes it all okay again. Even though it's never his fault.'
'So what do you want to happen now?'
               I looked out the window, biting my nails.
'I could find him, tell him I love him. He's probably gone to Grandma's house. I could go there and apologise. But it's not that easy anymore. Everything's changed between us now. I tried to kill myself, Sarah. - Well, I asked Blaze to kill me, because I was a coward. And he did it, just like I asked. That's not the kind of thing normal people get over very quickly, is it?'
               Sarah sighed, her sad eyes looking into mine.
'I guess it depends on the person.'
'Well, Hunter's hurt. I can't blame him. I can't fix it. I can't take back what I did.'
'Can't you?'
'Don't suggest a mental hospital to me again, Sarah. Just don't.' I warned. All I had heard for the last week was 'Readmit yourself, Ruth. It's what's best for everyone.' And I'd had enough of it. I would never go back to a mental hospital. Never.
               'You know where we all stand on whether or not you should admit yourself to a psychiatric hospital, Ruth. That's not what I want us to talk about today.'
'What do you want to talk about then?'
'You.'
'Huh?'
'You! Just, you, that's it.' she said. 'No strings attached, no extra information needed, no nagging from me or Jonathan, or anyone else. I just want you to talk until you can't talk anymore. Get everything off your chest.'
'Why?'
'Because, I may not know much,' Sarah said, 'I may not be a qualified therapist or even a good listener at times, but I know that you have a lot going on in your head that you have never shared with anybody.'
'And why should I share it with you?' I asked, trying not to sound rude. 'If I haven't even told Hunter, or Mama or Andy -'
'You don't have to tell me, as such. I just want you to get it all out. If you'd rather write it all down instead and burn the pages afterwards, by all means, do that! Just get it out, Ruth Harris, before you drive yourself up the wall.'
'Or try to kill myself again?'
'Exactly.' Sarah answered, giving no attention to my sarcasm.
               I sighed, and glanced up at my support leader's face. She was being earnest. Genuine. She was offering her help, and right then my family wouldn't stand for me it turning away. In their eyes I had two options: listen to my support group leaders, or go to a psychiatric hospital. In my eyes I had a million different options, but if I was left to choose I would waste the rest of my life deciding.
               'Alright.' I muttered. 'What do you want to know?'
'You want to tell me? Are you sure -'
'Let's just get this over with, eh?' I said impatiently. Sarah nodded and took out her notepad and pen. She then looked back at me, waiting for the words to start spilling out.
               But the words wouldn't come.