Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 16

'So...here we are. Our last session.' Dr Westone sat down in his comfy chair and smiled at me. There was no notepad on the coffee table between us today. No pen in his hand.
'It's official?' I gasped. 'It's all done?'
'Well, the evaluator was apparently very taken with you this morning. She thinks you're above this place.' Westone let out a small laugh. He had only done that once before, with Emilia. 'So, as of five o'clock this afternoon, you are free to leave this hospital.'
'That's...wow.' I smiled. 'Thank you, Dr Westone.'
'You deserve it, Ruth. You've worked really hard these last few months, and I have no doubt that you can handle anything life has to throw at you. You just need to remember that it's not wrong to get help. I often find that patients leave a psychiatric hospital and start bottling up their emotions again, for fear that they might have to come back. But ultimately that is what causes...'
               Westone's voice faded into the background of my brain as I smiled down at my lap uncontrollably. I was free. In one hour's time, I was going home.

Dr Westone and I talked about Salieri's death for most of that final session. I wanted to tell him about my flashbacks that morning, but I couldn't risk my chances of getting out now. I was so close. I just needed to act 'normal' for another 24 hours; I knew that the second I laid eyes on my Hunter, my brother, my mother, Grandma and my friends, the acting could stop, and the real me could exist again. The me that really was fine. The me that would never ask Blaze to kill me again because I didn't feel good enough to have such loving, lovely loved ones.
               Then, with two minutes left on the clock, Dr Westone asked me about my plans for the future.
'Er, sorry?'
'You shouldn't leave here without a plan, Ruth. What are you going to fill your time with? If you don't keep your mind busy, it will make work for itself - and you know what kind of work it makes.'
'I know.' I said, squirming. 'I've got my book. It needs some work, but, I'll finish it.'
'Good. Do you have any other hobbies?'
'I-I like cooking. And I like music, and films, and going to the beach.'
'Lame.' Hailey mocked, but she was hushed up by three other alters soon enough.
'So you'll move back to Southampton then?' Dr Westone looked at me a little uneasily.
'No, maybe. I haven't really thought about it.' I pulled my legs onto the chair. 'Do you think I should?'
'I think you should live wherever you feel the most at home. Make this transition as easy for yourself as you can.'
'Hunter.' was the first thought in my head.
'Sorry?'
'Oh, er, Hunter. I feel at home when I'm with him. He makes me feel safe and happy and warm.'
'Alright. Then I think you've made a decision.' Westone leaned back in his chair and took off his glasses. His eyes were too small for his face now. He gave them a wipe on his lapel and put them back on the end of his nose.
'What...what decision?' I asked nervously.
'Hunter! You want to live with him, no?'
'Yes. I do. But he's in Leeds, and Mama's in Southampton with Grandma and -'
'Ruth, we need to make this transition as easy for you as possible.' Westone pressed his hands together. 'You need to make these plans sooner rather than later, or you might find yourself panicking and running away from both places. Now, I want you to say your first thought when I say this. Leeds, or Southampton?'
               I tried to have a thought at the ready, but now I drew a blank. For once in my life, my head was totally, utterly, entirely empty.
'I-I don't know. Neither. Both?'
'You can only have one home, Ruth.' Westone said. 'Would you like to live alone?'
'I don't know!' I said, starting to panic. 'Last time I lived alone I nearly drank myself into an early grave. But I love Hunter and Mama. They both take care of me. I want to live with them both. But Mama's house has a lot of memories, of Bertie, of Mike, of my childhood...and I can't live there forever. But I love the beach and Woolston; Susie and Grandma are there, and my support group's there - there's nothing linking me to Leeds except Andy and Hunter. I just want to live in Southampton, in a different house with everyone I care about!'
               I threw my arms up, at a loss.
'Ruth.' was all Dr Westone said. I knew what it meant. It meant I was pulling at straws. I couldn't have everything I wanted. I had to make a choice.
               'Our time's up.' I whispered.
'The next patient can wait. This is important.'
'But I don't know how to make decisions.' I whined. 'Mama's always done it for me - hell Hunter was the one who decided I should come here in the first place! They tell me what to do, they always know best.'
'Better than you?'
'Yeah.'
'Ruth.' Westone said again, the same knowing look on his aged face. 'This is your life. Yours. You make the decisions - you must, or you'll feel voiceless and out of control. If you want to control your life, control it!'
'But -'
'No buts. Make a decision by the end of the day. You can always change it later. You can move house, or live alone, but you need to practise making decisions independently.'
'What if it's the wrong one?'
'If you chose it, and it's safe, it won't be the wrong one. Now go back to your dorm and I'll come down in a little while to hear your decision.'
'But I'm leaving in half an hour.'
'I'll be there in time, don't worry.' Westone patted my shoulder as I stood up to leave. 'Ruth, don't panic. Think it through, okay?'
'Okay.' I grumbled, leaving his office before the stuffy air could smother me any more.