Just Me, Him, and Ten Others - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 23

15 minutes.

That was all. Just 15 more Godforsaken minutes until Salieri's funeral would start. Salieri Hannigan's funeral. The burial of my friend.

'I can't do this. Guys, you know I can't.' I whined, walking beside Hunter's wheelchair as Andy pushed it up the path to the funeral home. I froze in my boots just shy of the entrance.
               'Crap, crap crap crap. I'm panicking. Guys!'
'It's alright. Come here.' Andy said. While he hugged my cold, quivering frame, Hunter added,
'Amore mio, a friend of yours died. That's big. And like I told you this morning, there is nothing wrong with needing to deal with that, okay?' I nodded in response. 'I'm sorry this happened to Salieri, it sucks, but this feeling won't go away until you say goodbye to her, properly.'
'And if you don't do it now, well... You won't get another chance.' Andy added.
               I looked between them both, and then down at my shoes. Why the hell had I worn winter boots to a funeral?
'Because they are the only black shoes you had handy. Same reason you're wearing one of Hunter's work shirts under your coat, with a skirt that barely fits around your waist anymore.'
'Relax, Ruth. You look fine. Salieri would just be glad you made it.'
'She'd be even gladder if you wreaked a little havoc. What better way to send her off!?'
'Don't, Hailey. Just don't.'
               'Are you ready, Ruth?' Hunter asked, looking up at me with gentle eyes. I swallowed.
'What if I mess up? What if I ruin her funeral - no.' I told myself just as forcefully. 'You guys are right. Salieri loved being unique. She loved shocking people and stirring them up; so if that's what happens, I think she'd be honoured that someone was missing her enough to go crazy.'
'There is no one way to deal with emotion. There is no one way to express yourself. Pain is a part of life that everyone deals with differently...' Westone reminded me subconsciously.
'Right.' both men said. Hunter smiled up at me from his wheelchair and suddenly my heart ached for more reason than one.
               I took a few deep breaths, balled and unballed my fists, and then took that step over the threshold of the funeral home. Hunter and Andy followed. As I neared the second and final door - the one leading into a great big room with terrible lighting and far less chairs than I had expected - Salieri's face appeared in my mind, as clear as day. I can't remember what day the memory was from, but I remember that her pretty smile was laughing at an anecdote I had just confessed. It was so vivid, as if her laugh really was resonating from beside me. For a split second I almost tried to will myself back to the mental hospital, if only my friend would still be there to greet me!
               'Where do you want to sit?' Andy asked quietly, as I scanned the dim room for any familiar faces. There couldn't have been more than fifteen people in there already, including the priest. He was talking to a father-aged man, who in turn was standing beside another father-aged man. In fact, I counted five men in that room who could have been Salieri's dad, none of them bearing any more of a resemblance to her than the next. One seemed significantly more bereaved than the others, but I couldn't be sure it was him without catching a proper look. He was sitting alone with his head in his hands.
               'Anywhere's fine.' I absent-mindedly replied to Andy. He nodded and pushed Hunter to the third row from the front, second from the back, and parked his chair on the left side. Eventually I followed and took a seat between my two chaperones.
               'I look ridiculous with these casts.' Hunter moaned in a low voice. The room was so quiet. He started tugging at his sleeves.
'Sit still. Of course you don't look ridiculous.' I whispered back.
'Actually, you look like a piece of sh-'
'Thank you, Andy.' I hissed at my facetious brother. Hunter stretched across me to slap Andy's arm. 'Honestly, it's like I'm sitting between two children! Andy stop being mean, and Hunter you look fine.'
               'It's cold in here, right?' Hunter then said. 'I hate these casts. I can't wear any decent clothes.'
'True.' Andy said. I slapped his arm this time.
'Hey! Hunter, there's nothing we can do about it. Your blazer didn't fit so you had to go without. At least you still have a nice shirt and tie to wear, and your trousers -'
'Look stupid?'
'Look fine. Everything looks fine. I'm the one who looks like I got dressed in the dark.'
'I offered to buy you something -'
'But you shouldn't have to clothe me, Hunter.' I hissed back. People were looking at us.
               Hunter looked down at his lap, and after a silent moment looked back at me and said,
'By the way, you don't look bad at all. You look lovely.'
'Gross.' Andy muttered under his breath. Now Hunter and I both hit him. 'Ow!'
'Shh!'
               'Is this thing ever going to start?' Andy asked a few minutes later, growing impatient. My eyes finally peeled away from Salieri's photo on the order of service: she can't have been older than 16 in it, and was looking at the camera with hard, unhappy eyes. That wasn't the bouncy, passionate Salieri I knew and loved.
'Guys.' I said, wiping my eyes. Hunter and Andy both looked at me. 'I-I'm such a mess. I'm so scared I'll dissociate. I don't want to miss this.' I looked at Andy. 'This is my only chance to say goodbye, right? So I'm trying to hold back my alters and ignore their voices because I want to process this, but it's so hard.' Now I was crying.
               Hunter took his hand off my knee and slid it around mine. Andy reached out and held my other hand, offering a small smile. It was the kind of smile people wear at funerals when they didn't know the corpse personally, but came along anyway to support somebody who did - that timid, quick, pitiful smile that says 'I'm really glad I'm not in your position, because you look like crap.'
               No more words were said. I stopped glancing at the men for support because all I saw when I did was pity. Neither of them knew how else to comfort me, so we all just sat there, hand in hand, wallowing.
               Then the service started.