If We Love Again

Chapter 32

 Bad News

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first. Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth.

— Samson, Regina Spektor

• • •

  

        MOM HAS ALREADY forgiven me, even though she didn’t say it explicitly, I just knew that she did. That night, after she cried, she didn’t speak to me. But in spite of that, I was happy and I ended up crying, too. I was overwhelmed with tumultuous emotions.

        Dad also hugged me tightly that night, he told me how proud he was of me; proud that I was able to defend myself, proud that I have grown into a great woman, and proud that I was his daughter.

        The hollow in my heart, the one that Dad or Earl could never infuse, was finally filled.

        I wasn’t sorry with my choices. And I didn’t apologize to Finn and his parents about what happened. I didn’t have any regrets. All of it was meant to happen.

        “You’ve finally made your decision,” Finn said. I could see a trace of hurt in his eyes and my chest throbbed at the sight. “I hope you’ll be happy with your choice.”

        “I’m happy, but…,” I trailed off, “I don’t like the idea of hurting you.”

        “It’s okay to be hurt because I chose to love you and making that decision meant taking all the pain that comes with it,” he took a deep breath and cupped my face with his hands, “I didn’t have any regrets, though. I was actually glad that I finally knew how it’s like to love. If I could, I’d fight for you, but I won’t, because I don’t want to ruin your happiness,” he smiled solemnly, “Remember our supposed-wedding day? A week before that, I had a premonition that it wasn’t meant to be. And I was right. You even pleaded to stop it from happening. For a moment, I didn’t plan on helping you and I wanted to push it further. But in the end, I was the good guy and I let you go.”

        He pressed his forehead against mine and our faces were only an inch closer. I didn’t have any plan on pushing him away. I knew that this would be the last time that he’d hold me like this.

        “Even from the moment I met you, I already knew that you’ll never be mine. Even during those times when I said ‘I love you’. You always hesitate,” his tone was sorrowful as he recalled all the events he narrated, “and even when you said ‘I love you too’ I knew that you didn’t mean it wholly, I only had a part of you.”

        I gulped nervously. I felt like a bad person for not feeling any remorse towards everything. “You will always be special to me, Finn,” I told him, “and I’ll always love you… but not the way you want me to.”

        “I know,” he conceded, “Even though you didn’t choose me, please always remember I’m here for you.” He leaned closer and pressed his lips on mine. It was a quick, profound kiss. I didn’t avoid him, I knew that it was a goodbye kiss; it was a closure that he wanted and I didn’t want to be selfish to take it away from him.

        “This is the second time I’m letting you go,” he muttered, “I won’t wait for you or hope that you’ll be mine again. I’ll move on. I’m well-aware that I’ve already reached the limit of my foolishness,” he whispered, “But despite that, I still care for you. And if ever he’ll hurt you, I won’t hesitate to deck him so hard and dig his grave.” He gently pulled away and smiled genuinely.