Legendary // H.S

27.

'And I'll fall like thunder to your feet

I've got a pistol, baby, under the passenger seat'

*

When I was a child, my favourite film was The Terminator 2. It follows Sarah Connor as she and her son find themselves at the centre of a renewed war between man and machine. As the final scene rolls in, Connor speaks of the unknown future and how she goes towards it with hope, not fear, because if a machine can value human life, perhaps we can too. I've always loved that part. The idea that even man made objects can see how beautiful being alive is. How much of a gift it is. It reassured me that there must be people out in the world that feel the same, that stand against violence and hatred. At such a young age, it's not that I understood the dangers of the world, but I knew they existed. I just assumed that only a select few partook in it. As you get older, you realise that's not the case. We all have the capacity to be bad. There's the potential to be evil inside of us, it's just whether you choose to act on it or not.

Hugo Charles had reminded me of that. It's not that I ever forgot it, but somehow the reality of having someone try to kill you is enough to awaken the fears you've managed to subside. Funny how that stuff works.

Another thing about Sarah Connor that I loved, was just how badass she became. In the second film she's a gun-wielding fighter for the resistance, protecting her son and her own life at all costs. Considering where I am now, there's definitely some parallels between the two of us. Except I'm dealing with a real psychopath and am only just learning how to use firearms.

After I saw Zayn yesterday, he stuck to his word and spoke with Harry about teaching me a few ways to defend myself. The subject was hardly up for conversation. If Harry refused I knew Zayn would accept. It didn't surprise me that Harry was against it at first, repeatedly yelling down the phone that I should never find myself near a gun, and that he's got it under control. Whatever he's put in place, I know it would be stupid to only allow me to rely on the protection of others. There's no way that they can completely eliminate the possibility of being approached again. This is the only solution.

The first time I saw a gun in person was when Harry pulled one out on my attacker. The image has been ingrained in my mind since. My heart stopped beating the moment he pulled it out. Premonitions of all the harm a weapon like that can do flooded in. There's a reason why guns aren't legal in the UK. They were outlawed after a school shooting in Scotland in the 90s. It's very rare that you hear of someone owning one, unless they're used for game shooting. Even then, only a small proportion of society falls into that category.

I never imagined that I'd ever be the person behind the trigger after that moment, but here I am, stood with a gun in my hands while I stare at the target a few metres ahead of me. I've been putting off actually shooting it for a while now, getting into position before falling back to try a different gun. The problem is, I've never considered myself capable of harming someone like this, even if it's self-defence.

What if I get so used to it that I can't stop? I don't want to become a danger to others in the pursuit of my own safety.

On the second floor of the warehouse is a shooting ring, along with a weapons room that can only be entered with a specific key that Harry and Zayn have. The armoury in itself knocked me back. The walls lined with multiple guns, knives, swords, chains – things I'd never seen before. I'd never realised how much destruction people had access to. There are no windows in this room, only long hanging lights that are so bright it gave me a headache. It swung a bit when Harry pulled the string to turn it on, squeaking in the background as I took in my surroundings. Goose bumps erupted over my whole body. My mouth went dry. My palms were sweaty. This was the last thing I imagined to be in this room.