Dark heart

Chapter 10

Sobbing hysterically, I sat on my bed. I still couldn't believe what Tony had just implied. Loki was not Liam and he would never be able to replace him. As if on cue, Loki's voice rang out from the door, "Alex?" I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater and forced myself to smile. " What's up?," I asked as cheerfully as I could. He stepped up to my bedside and sat down next to me with some distance between us. " You really think I didn't see you crying? Don't fool me little one," he said so gently and compassionately that it brought tears to my eyes again. " I'm fine. You don't need to stay here," I forced myself to say anyway. I couldn't let him get to me, not after what Tony had said. His words had burned into my brain and held me captive. Loki just sighed and stood back up. "I can imagine what you've been told about me and that you don't trust me. But after yesterday I thought you weren't like the others, you'd understand", he whispered, and I actually thought I could see sadness in his look. But before I could say anything back, he went away and closed the door behind him.

I tussled my hair in despair. How could I be so utterly destructive? Maybe it wasn't the guys I got involved with, as Tony suspected, but me. Maybe it wasn't them destroying everything around them, but me. New tears flowed down my cheeks and I could breathe less and less. Sobbing I tried to control the trembling of my body but my muscles did not want to obey me anymore. I clenched my hands into fists until I felt the pulsing pain in my palms as my fingernails dug into the skin. I wanted to remind myself to stop, not to fall off the wagon and end up reaching for the knife again, but the bittersweet pain felt too good. After a while I managed to get my frantic breathing under control and the panic attack slowly subsided. When I unclenched my fists again there were crescent-shaped indentations in my palms.

I waited a while longer until I had calmed down and made sure I didn't look devastated before I opened the door and plodded down the cold wooden stairs barefoot. It was late but I still didn't want to look like I had just been crying for an hour in case I ran into someone. I just wanted to punch something and since it wasn't going to be my brother, I had decided to go train some more. As I was just outside the door of the training room I could already hear the sound of fists on a punching bag and rapid breathing. Cursing, I considered going back upstairs after all. Actually, I thought I'd be undisturbed at this hour. In the end, my desire to train outweighed being alone and I entered the big hall. I froze in mid-motion when I saw that the person down here was Loki. I wanted to go out again backwards but he had already noticed me.

"You don't have to go again, there's room for both of us in here", he shouted to me without turning to me. The coldness in his voice made me shudder. Damn it, I hurt him with my action before. Without saying a word, I walked across the room to the dumbbells. The red wounds in my hand were still clearly visible and painful as I picked up one of the weights. But pain was good, so I thought less. After some exercises, I put it away and rubbed my thumb over the painful area. From the corner of my eye, I saw Loki taking off the bandages and running over to his water bottle, which was standing beside me for all abundance. Reflexively, I turned my hand away so that there were no wounds to be seen, but apparently that wasn't fast enough. Like a vice, his long fingers were around my wrist and twisted my hand so that he could see the inner surface.

"What is this?," he wanted to know and when I looked at him there was a hardness in his features that frightened me. I tried to think of an excuse but I just couldn't come up with one, so I just whispered, "Nothing. " He shook his head vigorously and stood directly in front of me. He was so close that I could feel the warmth radiating from his body. " Don't lie to me. That kind of thing doesn't lead to anything good, Alex. Stop it before you get yourself into something you can't get out of," he spoke urgently to me and guiltily I lowered my eyes. If he only knew that it was already too late. " You already have, haven't you?," he whispered much softer now and put his free hand under my chin. Gently he lifted my head so I had no choice but to look at him. " I was clean again," I whispered and he just pulled me to him sighing.

This closeness was so unexpected that I probably would have fallen over in shock if he hadn't hugged me so tightly. A scent of leather and lime emanated from him, and he was so tall compared to me that he could just rest his chin on the top of my head. I closed my eyes and buried my face against his chest. Neither of us said a word, and we didn't need to. He just held me and gave me the grip I needed. " Next time you feel like you need to do something like that, you come to me first, okay?," he whispered without taking the slightest step away from me. I just nodded and he put a hand on the back of my head and stroked my hair lightly. Damn, this guy could be affectionate. Focus Alex, don't let him get to you. But my body simply ignored my head and remained in exactly that position. I would love to never break away from Loki again.