Do You Blame Yourself?

[Chapter 8] - Actually Believing

CW!!

Kwazii sat on his bed, his hair still soaking wet.

"Hey, Kwazii? I've got something," Peso said, popping his head through the door. Kwazii looked up at Peso.
"Come in," he said, motioning inwards. Peso walked in, holding the plate of steaming spaghetti.
"I just reheated your food if you wanted it. You didn't eat much earlier," he said, holding out the plate. Kwazii just stared at it.

Should he eat?

He wasn't that hungry, but Peso would get kind of concerned about him...

Kwazii reached forward and grabbed the plate.
"Thanks matey," he said. Peso smiled.
"You wanna talk about what happened?" Peso asked, sitting on the bed next to Kwazii.
"Eh, it wasn't that big of a deal."
"You looked hurt when Shellington brought up how you won't eat as much anymore. That's kind of concerning," Peso stated, "or, it is to me. Maybe I'm thinking too deep into this," he rambled on.
"Woah, hold on. It's no big deal. It just hurt for a second. I know he didn't mean that," Kwazii said, holding a hand up.
"Are you sure?" Peso questioned.
"I'm positive," Kwazii added.

Peso nodded slowly. The question that had been running through Kwazii's head finally came out, but it didn't come out of his mouth.

"Do you blame yourself?"

Kwazii looked up. "What?" Peso stared at him.
"It's quite common for a person in your position to feel guilty."
"About what?" Kwazii asked, tilting his head to the side.
"The accident? The argument? Your injury? Do you not remember?" Peso asked, motioning to Kwazii's arm. Kwazii's smile faded away.
"I guess so."
Peso's stare softened. "Why?" he questioned. Kwazii stabbed at his spaghetti.
"I don't know, maybe I could've kept my mouth shut. Maybe I could've been aware of my surroundings," he spat. "That give you the answer you wanted?" Silence rang in Kwazii's ears, but not Peso's. Kwazii hated the silence. He hated it so much, but he didn't hate it as much as he hated the stupid bandages that were wrapped around his arm. "I want to tear away at these stupid bandages," Kwazii muttered, trying to find where the bandage itself ended.
"Kwazii, don't do that," Peso recommended. "It'll only slow down your recovery." That made him stop. He didn't want this stupid thing on his arm, but if he took it off now, that would only make things worse. Which means he'd have to wear the bandages longer.
"All right," he muttered.
Peso sighed. "I'm only doing these things to help you, not to make things worse," he stated. Kwazii whipped his head to look at the medic.
"Then why are you asking me those things? Why do you need to know the answers to those questions?" he spat. Peso moved back just the slightest bit, but it was extremely noticeable. Kwazii went quiet. "Matey, I'm sorry. That was really uncalled for," he said, swallowing hard. Peso exhaled quietly, and then inhaled sharply.
"It's fine. Yell for me if you need anything," he said, getting up and leaving Kwazii's pod.

Sure, Kwazii was left in his pod with a plate of steaming hot spaghetti, but his body felt freezing. His hands wouldn't stop shaking. Kwazii felt his eyes fill with tears, but he didn't care. He buried his face in his hands, and just let the tears fall. His hair was stuck to his forehead, and he was hunched over his legs. Kwazii couldn't stop hyperventilating. His entire body was shaking, now. Nothing felt real, nor did it feel fake. Everything was a blur to him.

Literally.

His eyes were still teary when he tried to take another bite of his food, but once he had, he couldn't chew it. As soon as he attempted to swallow his spaghetti, he felt like puking again. And that is sadly what he did. "I can't take another day of this. I can't seem to do simple, stupid things everyone can do." he said, throwing his upper body against the headboard of his bed.

Hours had passed by now. It might have been around 9 PM. Kwazii sat in the same spot he had been when he threw up last. He had no energy to move, but yet he got up slowly and left his pod. The reason for leaving? He had to ask Barnacles a question.

Kwazii approached the door to the captain's pod. He brought up a fist to knock on the door, but he paused once again. What was it with him and knocking on doors? Why couldn't he do it? Kwazii shook his head. He brought up the courage to do this, and he wasn't backing down. He knocked on the door and immediately stepped away. Barnacles then opened the door and looked out.
"Oh, hello Kwazii! How are you doing?" he asked. Kwazii managed to fake a smile.
"I'm doing okay. I just got a question," he stated. Barnacles raised an eyebrow.
"What is it?" Kwazii inhaled sharply, and asked the one thing that he had been dying to know.
"Have you ever loved something so much, that no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't let it go?" he asked, tilting his head once again. He did that a lot.

Barnacles stared back at him. "That's the weirdest thing I think I've ever heard come out of your mouth," he said with a laugh. Kwazii laughed, but his smile faded away.
"But I'm not joking," Kwazii stated. Barnacles raised an eyebrow.
"You're not?" Kwazii shook his head. Barnacles softened up once more, and said something weird. "It wasn't exactly something, but someone." Kwazii's shoulders went slack.
"So I'm not the only one who's been through this? Not being able to let go of something that easily?" Barnacles put a hand on his shoulder.
"Absolutely not," he said, Kwazii smiled softly and tilted his head to the side.
"That's good to know."
"And when I say thats the weirdest thing I've heard come out of your mouth, that's saying a lot," Barnacles replied. Kwazii managed to laugh.
"You've got a point, matey," he added. Kwazii wasn't even going to question who the person was that Barnacles had mentioned he couldn't let go of. He already knew who it was.

As Kwazii walked back to his pod, he thought about what Barnacles had said. He knew exactly who he was talking about, who he couldn't let go of: his sister. The crew heard about her and her children every so often. Kwazii knew how much he cared about them. But as Kwazii made his way back to his room to actually get some sleep, he thought, Do I truly love this person the way I think I do? Or am I just lying to myself? Kwazii rarely talked about that kind of stuff, but now he couldn't stop thinking about it. Kwazii rolled onto his bad side, just to take a quick look at the ocean. It was quiet and calm, everything he now was. He hated that, but that was the truth. As soon as he could get the bandages off, he'd be back to the adventurous guy he was.

But for now, he actually believed he would be able to get over that. Not his feelings, but his injury. That would go away, but his feelings that he had pushed down were now coming back to resurface, and he wasn't ready.

Words: 1236 Words
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me, running on gogurts and Twix bars, wondering where you guys came from: okay
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