Do You Blame Yourself?

[Chapter 45] - Lights Are On

A familiar heat engulfed Peso as he shifted slowly in his bed, his concept of time fading with every forced out blink, his eyes dangerously close to shutting for the night.

He felt hands make their way up to his shoulders, but it wasn't like he knew who was there, weighing down the mattress, and he didn't really care.

Actually, he did have a small idea as to who he thought it was.

"Kwazii."
"Yeah?"

To be fair, it was the only person that would ever do that to him.

"If you were the one who got sick, how do you think I'd react? Or, if anyone other than me got sick like this, how would I react?" he asked.

He thought about that for a second.

Think about it, though. When he first thought that he was sick, he immediately pushed people away so they wouldn't get sick, too.

"You'd probably lose your mind," Kwazii answered, patting him on the back like a supportive dad.

"Hey!" Peso exclaimed, sitting up faster than he should've.
"Don't 'hey!' me! You know I'm not wrong."

He paused, staring the man in front of him down. "Well shoot me for being nervous over your health," he scoffed, sitting straighter now.

"Peso, the second day you had it, you threw your hands around like a madman and spilt the tea I was trying to bring you because you were scared you were still contagious," Kwazii stated, his face stern.
"Well, shoot me again!"

Kwazii laughed at the medic. "You're ridiculous," he said, pulling his legs onto the bed.
"I am not ridiculous, I'm simply just making sure that no one gets sick like I did!"
"Sweetheart, you aren't contagious anymore."

...

Peso slumped back down on his bed, hands folded over his stomach as his stared up at the ceiling. He didn't say another word, and he didn't have a reaction when Kwazii did the same thing, laying down next to him.
"Do you remember when I got ligma?" he asked, turning to the medic.
"No? What's that?"
"What?"
"What's th- What's ligma?"
"Ligma balls."

He slowly turned to shoot a glance at him, his face remaining as neutral as possible.
"That was so not funny," he said, stifling a laugh.
"You have to admit, I had some pretty good timing there."
"Nope, nope. Can't believe you'd do this, I'm ashamed of you."
"Admit it!"
"No!"

...

"I can't really be mad at you," he added after a few seconds. "Even through disagreements and arguments. I really can't."
"I find that hard to believe."
"How come?"
"Every person has a grudge to hold, no matter how nice they are," Kwazii said.
"Your point is?"
"You could still have a grudge and I would never know," he said, almost as if that was his worst fear.

"I don't. Trust me," Peso tried to assure him.
"Even during the times I almost got myself killed?"
"All of those times."
"Even when I acted like a huge jerk?"
"Mhm."

Kwazii paused, trying to think of other situations they've been in just so he can keep nagging him. "What about when I was a huge ass after we went to see the heat lightning? Or the time I asked for Ibuprofen?"
"I will never understand you in those moments, but I don't think I'd hold a grudge on you for that," he said. "Why did you want that Ibuprofen anyway? Was it really for what I thought it was for?"
"Nah, sometimes you just mess things up and you need to sleep... for a very very long time."
"So your way of doing that was... medicine?"
"Sometimes a coma is easier!" Kwazii exclaimed jokingly.

He really just had a fear of messing this up, so maybe slowing down and disappearing for a while was his best idea back then.

Out of everything they had been through together, they agreed on one thing: they definitely had their share of issues.

Every reckless action, every argument, every time one of them had a few screws loose, it all just came down to this exact moment.

And through every bad thought, they promised to stick by the other's side. Through every single thing.

"Okay, confession time. When you got stung all those weeks ago, and you had those arguments and you would keep leaving the kitchen and you wouldn't eat, I think that was when I was most concerned for you," Peso admitted.
"Really?"
"I guess I just... wasn't going to get used to that. I'd never seen you like that, I don't think any of us ever have, up until that point," he said, "but, god, I was worried about you. And when you accidentally shouted how you were lesbian? I was almost as confused as you were."
"I didn't mean to do that! I was staring at Tweak the whole time hoping she'd do something, and she never did, so I just pulled that out!" Kwazii exclaimed.
"So that was your idea?"
"What would you have done?"

...

"You got me there. I guess I really do get where you're coming from." Peso rolled on his side.
"Maybe you think you're the opposite of me, but there's just so many things we have in common."
"But we're not the same. Still opposites."
"Yeah, we are."

Just admitting that almost crushed Kwazii's heart in half. That was exactly what he thought the night when he first had the idea of a confession.

And Peso was still. So, so still.

A lot like the ocean that glowed a familiar dark color that he could just be swallowed up in.

Opposites do attract, though.

Right?

"Speaking of opposites, you and your brother are very similar," Kwazii randomly blurted.
"I've heard that a lot, I really should talk to him again. Catch up on things, apologize again, just talk to him. My family means a lot to me, you know?"
"I know."

Did he know?

Who did he have?

So Peso really was the opposite of him, in more ways than one.

Maybe he was right, all those days ago.

Who really was on his side?

"What did you really mean by that?"
"What?"
"The note. About how no one was on my side. What was that all about?"

Peso was slightly disappointed in him for still thinking about that letter. He thought he'd drop it by now, but apparently not.

"If I'm being truthful, it was all just... I wanted to prove something. I wanted to show you that no one wants you getting hurt or anything beyond that just so you can prove something, or so you can find something out. All on your own? I couldn't stand it," he stated.

"I've told you, though, I always turn out fine even when you worry about me," Kwazii said.
"Ah, knock on wood," Peso knocked on the wall above his bed. "I guess I need to learn how to understand that bit about you."

Kwazii brought his hand up to Peso's face. Maybe that would say what he couldn't.

"We'll make this work, I promise you that," he finally said. "We've got boundaries set up, we have everything."
"Everything a relationship needs?"
"Well, the bare necessities. Everything takes time, and that's funny coming from the most impatient man in the world. We'll make it, I promise."

And the only light left on that night was the one that Peso could briefly picture surrounding Kwazii's face, like he was some ethereal being.

The lamp was there too, but he didn't care much for it when he had Kwazii next to him for the first time in what felt like ages.

We'll make it, Kwazii said.

God, he hoped he was right.

Words: 1285 Words
its almost 4 am
i have covid
i can't be bothered to reread this
and im having kwaso brainrot have this chapter enjoy gn