Do You Blame Yourself?

[Chapter 37] - A Lot Harder Than It Used To Be

"Is it normal to think so suddenly that now we need boundaries?" Peso asked.
"No, that's just setting them early so there's no problems."

"Everything is just going so fast? I don't mind it at all, but it's a bit hard to keep up sometimes," he explained.
"Let me tell you something, matey. I'm genuinely never like this. This is one of the only times I'll be serious in our relationship," Kwazii said.
"Oh, I know that off the bat already. I'm not upset at anything, this is going great, just fast."
"Peso, if you want, we can just keep this on the downlow."
"No, it's okay. I like the idea of... us," he said, smiling. "I like it in a way that if this never happened, I think things would be very different. You know what I'm saying?"

He didn't know.

"Yeah, sure," he answered.
"That's... good."

...

"So where do we even start?"

Kwazii looked back over at Peso. "Boundaries wise? Or just in general?"
"Both? In a way? I'm not good with this stuff, everyone knows that."
"It's not like we're a million years into our relationship and we haven't set boundaries. This is just the beginning," he stated.
"Just the beginning. Yeah, you're right."

Just the beginning for them.

"Oh my gosh, you're right! There's so much we could do together!" Peso exclaimed in adoration.
"Yeah, we could. And we can. You know that right? Anything that comes to mind, we could do. Like some sort of weird cave adventure, or-"
"Murder?"
"No! Where'd that come from?!" Kwazii exclaimed, honestly surprised.
"You said anything!" Peso giggled.
"That doesn't mean murder! Unless we can get away with it..." he said, raising his eyebrows.
"Unless we don't get caught..."
"Partners in crime?"
"Partners in crime!"

"Off of that topic, what else is there?" Peso added.
"We could... uh... cuddle?" Kwazii shrugged, attempting to think of other things.

"We- wait what?" His stare of adoration had turned into confusion and shock.
"I shouldn't have suggested that, but it was the first thing that came to mind."
"Well, it sure was a suggestion," he giggled again. "A pretty good one though!"

You know, he loved it.

Kwazii loved it all.

From every laugh, to every single word that spilled out of Peso's mouth, to every good and bad thing he did... He loved it all.

He always has.

"Right, boundaries, back to that. We could share them individually, or agree on what not to do at all, which one?" Peso asked, retreating back to the original topic.
"What ever you want, honestly."
"Oh, you're putting me on the spot..." Peso paused, lost in a thought process. "All right, you go first."
"Hm?"
"You said whatever to my ideas, so we're going with the one that sounds best. Boundaries. Let's go."

One blink after another.

One breath after another.

"I don't have any physical boundaries, but the simple ones are still on the table," Kwazii answered.
"The obvious ones, right?"
"Yep."
"Right, okay."

Why was he nervous?

Not like Peso was never not worried about some certain things, but he was a wreck.

"Do me a favor, okay?" he asked.
"And that is?"

...

"Call me out on my bullshit when I start acting like my dad, all right? I don't want to mess anything up in that way."

"That's all?"
"That's all, Kwaz."

Was it regret?

Or just a total feeling of sadness?

Should he have said that?

It was necessary, wasn't it?

"I can do that, no big deal," Kwazii responded. "Easy to do."
"Is it? Is it as easy as you say it is?" he asked, looking up at him.
"Mhm. It doesn't seem easy to you, but I swear it is for me. Maybe it's easy because I've been putting up with your ass for a long time now, but..."
"Oh please! I'm not that difficult. Am I?!"
"No, no! It was a joke, I promise."

"I'm so believing that," Peso said, laughing sarcastically.
"It doesn't matter though," Kwazii added.
"Maybe to you it doesn't. You always find a way into people's hearts though, and I don't mind it."

And then he... kissed him?

Not on the mouth, no, but on the cheek?

Just as he reeled away, Peso realized that, oh boy oh boy, did he make a mistake.

He didn't even think before he did it.

Acting on impulse had it's consequences.

But now they were harder than they used to be.

He felt his stomach sink all the way to the floor, and it was almost as if every organ in his body had been crushed.

"Now that that's done, see you never!" Peso exclaimed, backing out of the room before fully turning and leaving.

Biggest mistake ever.

Not for Kwazii though. But as soon as he got his hopes up, they fell right back down to the ground. It was usually his job to act on impulse. Maybe it was the shock, or whatever, but he couldn't say anything. All the words he wanted to say were caught in his throat.

And he wanted to get them out.

Watching the one person who just showed him the greatest way of affection just... walk out? Walk away from him? It tore him apart, like a piece of paper in a shredder machine.

So all he did until he could collect his thoughts was stand there.

...

Every bone, every muscle, everything hurt.

Was what Peso did really that big of a mistake?

Whatever the answer, the night that came didn't make anything easier.

He felt like curling up in a ball and just rolling away, all the way into an abyss that no one dared to go into. His mind was racing and everything sounded loud.

This could all be resolved in the morning.

Hopefully.

Words: 969 Words
okay uh apologies for the short chapters in the past ive been busy with late summer things and once i get things in this book settled and school starts, things will fall back into place
but we just gotta get things in their place, like a big ass puzzle