hale pack mom

14. || 5

The next day Scott and Jackson practically forced me to go to the pack meeting it wasn't that I didn't want to I just don't want the awkwardness between me and Derek to become apparent to the others. In all honesty even I hate the tension between the two of us, it feels wrong. I wanted to be able to give him a straightforward answer the next time I saw him but obviously that's not going to happen as I don't have one myself.

Me, Jackson and Scott walked into Derek's loft me hiding behind the two of them not daring to meet Derek's eye. I get ambushed by the other pack members asking where I was yesterday, I explained about tidying the house up and spending time with my stepmom and dad. They all seemed to buy it except Derek who gave me this sad look.

Almost like a beaten puppy look, I avoid him as much as I possibly could we had the pack meeting like we usually do; they went off and did training. I started on dinner like I usually do on the days that they train later. I had Lydia, Stiles and Allison's help which was nice we all did our own bit in making dinner.

I avoided all questions that they asked about Derek and why I wasn't close to him like we usually are in pack meetings. Before I knew it, we were already finished and the rest of the pack mates were either getting changed, getting out the shower or waiting at the table.

"Dinners ready" I call to some of the betas who are messing about or still upstairs everyone ran to the table starving. I start placing the plates in front of everyone with Stiles' help. Isaac, Scott, Jackson and now Erica and Boyd said, "thank you mom" and the rest of the pack just said, "thank you."

I smile at all of them and say "your welcome" at least something is semi-normal. I sat down in the free spot at the end of the table opposite to Derek who is at the furthest end, we made eye contact as I sat down but I soon broke it by looking away. Jackson was about to take bite when Lydia stopped him.

"Jackson not yet. The alpha takes the first" Lydia politely scolded I sent him a small smile he put the fork down putting his hand on top of mine from embarrassment I squeeze his fingers reassuringly. I look up to see Derek keeping intense eye contact with me as he slowly takes a bite, we stare at each other, I want to look away but it's like I can't.

I look towards Jackson expecting him to scoff it down like he usually does "You can eat now?" I say looking at him, but he shakes his head and looks at me in fact all eyes are on me. I shift in my seat uncomfortably not liking that all the attention was on me. "Why isn't anyone eating is it that bad?" I ask making Derek realise that I don't know.

"They aren't eating because the second bite is the alpha's mate whether they are together or not. The betas will still wait as it is polite to do so" Derek explains not taking his eyes off of me I feel the heat rush to my cheeks but quickly took a bite of food wanting the attention to be on something else.

The pack started eating straight away but I wasn't hungry any more all the attention on me like that made me nervous and I don't want that to happen every mealtime, I struggle with my appetite as it is and when I get nervous or anything like that it just puts me off. Derek looks over at me noticing my discomfort and the fact that I'm playing with my food, he knows how hard it is for me. It took me a while to want to eat in front of people let alone all of that.

"Excuse me" I say loud enough for everyone to hear but quiet at the same time, I get up and get away from the table as fast as I possibly could without drawing any attention to myself.

I walk straight into the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, why did everything have to change. I liked the way everything was before it was perfect but now it's different. I tie my hair up into a messy bun washing my face to try and get rid of some of my nerves. The cold water hits my face relaxing me slightly.

I dry my face off in my towel which I always use when I stay here before letting out a sigh. I lean against the bathroom counter deep in thought when I start hearing a soft knock, I don't say anything knowing who it is. He knocks again causing me to let out another sigh why he can't just leave me alone.

"Y/n are you okay? We need to talk about this at some point anyway, but right now I just want to know if you're okay?" Derek says softly I let out another sigh. I know Derek extremely well, at least I thought I did but I do know this much he won't leave without an answer.

I open the door revealing a sad looking Derek he looks like he hasn't slept properly, almost making me feel bad, no definitely making me feel bad. My heart clenched at the sight and now that I think about it, I can feel the pull the need to comfort him and make sure he is okay, but I don't I do the opposite I snap wanting to get all my anger and emotion out in one go.

"What do you think, Derek? None of this is okay. I am mated to an alpha who is supposed to be my best friend which turns out knew we were mated the entire time but chose not to say anything. Most of my friends, scratch that, my best friends have started calling me mom and get really defensive when I attempt to bring it up.  So honestly tell me how you think I should be feeling? Confused, yes. Hurt, extremely. Angery, I don't even know if I can be" I say letting everything off my chest, but it didn't feel like a weight was lifted like it usually does the weight is still there in fact it's getting heavier.

Derek looks down at me realising that I am on the verge of tears and I never cry. I can see the guilty look on his face, heck I can practically feel it. He goes to touch me, but I move away, not right now. Even though all I want to do is to run right into his arms for him to hold me, but I can't, I can't be that easy on him. He hurt me even if he thought it was best it still hurts, he lets out a whimper as I flinch away from him.

"Look I get that I should've told you sooner and I'm really sorry, okay? I can't help it; I would never choose to put you in a position like this but more hope that one day you'd want to be. It wasn't me that chose you as my mate even though you are everything a guy would need. My wolf chose you, okay, and in my opinion, he did a good job. I can't change the fact that you're my mate and I know you don't want to date me. And I would never force you to do anything you don't want to do. This is your decision to make not mine" Derek says looking at me with an expression filled with hurt and guilt.

He looks at me and all I want to do is to melt into his arms, but I know that as soon as I agree to be his mate everything is going to change. He walks away thinking I don't have anything else to say but I do I want to tell him I'll be your mate, but I don't know how. So, for now I just let him walk away before I come up with my answer, I need time to think.

I stand there for a couple of minutes staring at nothing before deciding that I can't be here anymore not right now I need to go home and go to bed. Derek all though he didn't mean to has added more pressure onto me did, but he's right I do need to make a decision and I'm lucky he isn't forcing me to be with him.

Not wanting to disturb the pack I just walk out of the loft door and when I hear someone following me, I run to my car getting in and driving home. I lock the doors and double check the windows are all locked before getting ready for bed. I am not letting the pups in tonight no matter how much they cry or attempt to come in, I need to be alone so I can have my own little cry.