Murder Me Kindly| H.S

10- Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

Harry Styles

My heart is still giving me that weird, clenching feeling. It honestly feels like someone is just constantly gripping my heart with no mercy.

Fuck you Carmen for making me feel things.

I had went years without feeling anything for anyone. Well... okay that's a lie. I feel things for one person and one person only. Gem.

Gemma is my sister and the only person on this planet that I love. I'd die and kill for her if it'd make her happy.

Gemma was all I had growing up. Our parent were fucking horrible and I couldn't be happier over the fact that they are now rotting in hell.

Gemma is my rock and vice versa.

But, as I was saying, I had went a really fucking long time not caring for anyone except Gemma. And then, boom, I meet Carmen Amor.

To most people I come off as arrogant. An asshole. A grade A dick, but I do that intentionally.

I don't really understand or like feelings for that matter. They make me feel in danger and give me a nervous pit in my stomach.

Emotions are fucking useless, all they do is cause you pain. I cannot name one time where caring about someone helped me in any way.

Not once.

So why would I ever want to go through any of that shit again? Here's a hint, I really really don't. It fucking hurts like a bitch.

And yet, here I am, with a clenched heart and a furrowed brow in the waiting room of Dignity Health Hospital, waiting for Carmens results.

The second Zayn got to the backroom Carmen passed out in I picked her up and bolted the second I told Zayn what need to happen.

Him, Niall, and Louis took Nathaniel and Vanessa to the warehouse we will be keeping them in for a couple of days.

I personally can't wait to torture that Nathaniel guy because it's the only time I actually feel something.

Feeling something, even if it hurts, is better than being completely numb.

Me and emotions have gone through a shit ton of things together.

From me feeling them too much, then to me hating that I feel so much, and then finally to me learning how to feel nothing at all.

I've been suppressing emotions for so long that it is a reflex at this point. When I want to laugh my first thought is to suppress it. When I want to cry I push it back. When I need a hug or just someone to talk to, I ignore and ignore and ignore until it simply fades.

Alcohol helps too.

Whenever it gets too much for me whiskey is my best friend.

I couldn't tell you the last time I was sober for at least two weeks. I'm not even a alcoholic. I can stop if I want to, but if I do then that wall I built around a spot in my heart titled 'feelings' breaks.

And then Carmen fucking Amor comes into my life and completely fucks me in the ass, like the least she could've done is lube me up a bit but no, she shuts decides to fuck me dry.

A bit rude if you ask me.

She's constantly making it hard for me not to smile and it's fucking with me. I don't even know why I give even the slightest fuck about her.

She's infuriating, annoying, loud, obnoxious, and absolutely insatiable.

Why is it that I find these qualities endearing? Why is it that when she took the time to ask about me that I wanted to tell her everything. Why is it that when she comes up to me and just says the weirdest shit I'm not annoyed.